


Light Minasae and the Slow Descent Into Madness

by Idiot_the_Jerk



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Aromantic Asexual Character, Game of Thrones References, IM IN PAIN, Kpop references, Kyoya's a closet weeb, Light is confused af, Memes, Mori's a robot, She's Trying Her Best, Swearing, Tamaki is the living embodiment of ignorant internet assholes, as of chapter 3 Mori is a roomba, blatant disregard to the canon, chat fic disguised as a normal fic, everyone is out of character, friends being dicks to eachother, garbage fanfiction that i decided to write one day, jumping out of windows for 'fun', why am i subjecting myself to this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2018-10-15 20:50:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10557508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idiot_the_Jerk/pseuds/Idiot_the_Jerk
Summary: The slow descent into madness of Light Minasae.





	1. Starting Today You're Soul is Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Canadian dickweed has her soul sold to the host club.

Light Minasae had no idea how she'd ended up this situation. There was no way in hell this was real. Perhaps she was still dreaming.

The fluffy brunette boy beside her leaned in and whispered. “This is real, Lightimoo. You're a host.”

Her next words were so eloquent the leader of this club would have been shedding proud tears, “Fuck.”

Perhaps we should explain what the hell is going on.

-

“LIGHT! Today's the first day of anime school wake uuuuup!!” A short brunette girl screamed.

Light was not an earlier riser, nor was she particularly fond of the kind of shit she had to deal with in regards to this friend. So you can probably tell she's fucking pissed.

She ignores the screams of the brunette girl anyways and attempted to fall back asleep.

Key word: **attempted**.

“Lightimoo. Come on.” the brunette boy previously mentioned said, nudging the tired girl.

“It's to goddamn early for this shit…” Light mumbled.

“I know Lightimoo, but we have to.” the boy replied.

“Jaaaaaack. Noooooo.” Light groaned.

“Light I will send Tatania back in here.” Jack whispered.

Light slowly rose up from her bed, glaring at Jack. “I fucking hate you.” she said.

“Love you too Lightimoo.” Jack replied, patting her hair.

She continued to glare at him on his way out, mumbling something rather rude under her breath.

An hour later she and her six, yes six, other friends found themselves in front of a pink private school.

“Dear god…” a blonde girl whispered.

“...it’s pink.” a short haired blonde finished.

“I like it.” a small Filipino girl piped in.

“I hate everything.” Light threw in, ruining the mood once more.

“Thanks Light.” a girl with blue hair, that looked similar to Jack, sarcastically said.

The next place they found themselves was in the chairman’s office. They were greeted and given their school uniforms, which most of the girls cringed at.

The strange this was that there were three male uniforms despite there only being one biologically male person in the room.

There was no question that the short haired blonde and Light immediately grabbed the other two male uniforms. Light would be caught dead wearing that yellow monstrosity and Ally, the blonde...was Ally. No furhter question were or will be asked.

“Looking fine, Light” Jack said, giving her finger guns.

The blue haired girl gagged while Light have him a disgusted look.

“Nasty as fuck, dude.” Light said.

He pouted and with that they were on their own ways.

It was hard to not notice the eyebrow wiggling coming from Tatania and Penny (the blonde girl) as they approached their class.

“I hate you both so much.” Light whispered.

Light immediately regretted coming to Japan the moment they walked into class. Immediately everyone turned their attention to the three newcomers in pure interest especially since Light was a ‘boy’.

“Oh. You must be the exchange students. Welcome. I’m sensei Liu. Would you mind introducing yourselves?” Sensei Liu asked.

“Hi I'm Tatania! I like Fairytail and anime. I hope you'll take good care of me.” Tatania said bowing awkwardly.

Light’s expression only fell further down her face.

“Yo. I’m Penny.” was Penny’s graceful introduction.

“And I’m Light. I hate everything.” Light said with a deadpan expression.

Light only grew even more disgusted when she saw the anime hearts above some of the female students heads. A blonde boy was bouncing in his seat looking at her while the black haired boy beside him took an interest in the girls around them.

“Oh please no…” Light whispered.

The horrifying part for Light was she was put in the seat behind the black haired boy aka beside the blonde boy. Aka shit.

The blonde turned to her. “Hello.” he said.

“Hey…” Light replied, slightly horrified of her fate.

“My name’s Tamaki Suoh and I can make all your dreams come true.” Tamaki said, holding a rose out to Light.

Her expression did not change.

“You sound like a mafia boss or something. Are you the living embodiment of terrible fanfiction?” she asked.

Tamaki seemed to lose all of his colour and slowly sunk down into his seat. Light gave a panicked look to Penny who merely shrugged. She had no idea what his deal was.

“Come to Music Room 3 later” the black haired boy said.

“Ok!” Tatania answered for the three of them, earning a promise of death from Light and Penny. It'd probably be worth it.

-

Because the author decided to shape her shit up and actually progress with the plot for a bit the Canadians found themselves in front of music room 3. The host club.

“Fuck let's get this over with.” Light sighed, pushing the doors open.

She immediately regretted her decision. They were bombarded with rose petals, bright lights and voices. Also was that classical music? Where was that coming from?

“Oh joy you came!” Tamaki said, walking over to the dumbfounded Canadians.

“Jack. My moral support. Help me.” Light whispered.

“I’d love to but I think I need help too.” Jack replied.

Ignoring the other conversation, Tamaki continued.

“Welcome to the Ouran host club. The ultimate playground for the rich and beautiful.” Tamaki said.

“...bye.” Penny said, walking away.

Ally slowly disappeared into the ground, leaving a letter and a lizard. If anyone cared about the letter they would have found out the letter was P. P is a cool letter.

“Why are you here Jack?” the blue haired girl asked.

“Because, Vanessa, I looooove Light, duh.” Jack replied, sending a quick smile to Light.

“Nasty.” Light replied scrunching her face in mock disgust.

On the other hand the host club was taking this seriously. What a bunch of noobs.

“Are...are you two gay?” Tamaki asked.

Light and Jack exchanged glances for a moment before bursting out laughing. No further answer was given. It was to remain a mystery to all.

“Anyways. What is your type?” Tamaki asked, still confused about what just happened.

“We have the Cool type - Kyoya, the STRONG silent type - Mori, the boy Lolita - Hunny, the Mischievous twins - Hikaru and Kaoru, or if those incompetent plebs don't suit your standards there's always me the Sexy Prince.” Tamaki said sounding like the pretentious asshole he pretends not to be.

Whatever their answers were going to be were left lost in the void. The music room doors opened again and Haruhi Fujioka walked in with her full grandpa glory.

Tamaki’s attention was quickly diverted from the Canadians to Haruhi, as was most of the other club members.

Light swore Mori was making robot noises.

“Minasae-san may I speak to you for a moment?” Kyoya asked while Tamaki was busy making a speech about commoners.

“...why though?” Light asked.

“I have a proposition for you.” he replied.

“Oh fuck.” she whispered. “This is the day I die…”

“How would you like to join the host club? We notice you have quite the influence on a large portion of the females in class. Thus we believe you'd be a good host.” Kyoya said.

“A fate worse than death.” Light whispered.

“Light would love to!” Tatania said.

“TATANIA NO!” Light screamed, just as Haruhi bumped into the vase. It shattered along with Haruhi’s hopes and dreams.

“Excellent. Now I have some business to attend to, we’ll go over the details later.” Kyoya said, walking over to the broken case and first year.

Light’s suppressed screams of frustration was clear to the Canadians.

She turned towards Tatania.

“I’d dashi run run run if I were you Tatania.” Light whispered.

Tatania did not look the slightest bit phased, per usual.

Vanessa looked slightly pleased. “And now you can stop flirting with my brother.” she said.

Light internalized her screams once more, feeling quite dead inside.

“But...my soulmate…” Jack whispered.

-

 _Kill me._ Light thought sitting in front of the pretentious rich girls. What the fuck was she supposed to do she was not charming in the slightest. Let alone male. How the fuck did this actually work?

In the distance Tatania was talking at Mori. Talking to would require a response. It seemed she liked Mori. Now she could see why Tatania voluntold her to join the club.

Goddamnit Tatania.

Nini was talking about pandas with Hunny for some reason and Vanessa was bothering Jack with the twins. Jack just wanted to live.

“So Minasae-san you're from Canada?” one of the girls asked.

“Yes.” Light replied.

“And there are six other Canadians with you?” another girl asked.

“Yes.” Light replied again.

“And they're mostly female?” a third girl asked.

“Yes.” Light replied.

“Are you a robot?” Jack asked, appearing behind her.

“Ye- wait no. Piss off Jack.” Light said, turning to glare at him.

“I’d never leave you.” Jack replied.

“Why are you being so gross today? Ew.” Light replied, forgetting about her guests entirely.

“Because we’re soulmates.” Jack said.

“You're a disgusting soulmate.” Light replied.

“Nooooo. I'm hurt. How could you?”  Jack asked, holding his chest in mock hurt.

“Good.” Light replied, reaching the end of her ability to be serious about this.

The girls watched the scene unfold intently. Was this some sort of forbidden love shit? Or maybe Light was a *gasp* tsundere!!!! That was definitely something the club needed. Yup.

“My god this is genius.” Tamaki whispered, watching Light and Jack as well.

“Tamaki. Isn't there something more important to be watching?” a red headed female asked.

Right. Haruhi. Get your priorities straight Tamaki.

 _My god this is stupid..._ thought Light as she felt the sweet embrace of death coming closer to her. By the end of the year she would probably be insane.

Smoothly wasn't the word anyone would use to describe the first day for newcomers but it wasn't terrible.

Somehow Tamaki managed to prove himself as a complete idiot to Light when he forced everyone to drink instant coffee just because Haruhi bought it. She also bought Kitkats but no one really paid attention to those.

Then there was the whole thing about being painfully obsessed with Haruhi, and to a smaller extent herself. Thankfully he wasn't as invested in her as Haruhi. Jack _did_ have to save her from him a couple of time though.

Then there was the whole thing where everyone thought she was a dude and gay for Jack. _That_ was uncomfortable.

“Haruhi, you haven't formally met our newest host yet. This is Light. He’s a foreign exchange student from Canada.” Tamaki said.

“...uh. Yeah. Sure. Hi.” Light said.

“He's the gay tsundere type!” the twins yelled.

“...excuse me. We literally just met today. I don't not deserve this disrespect™.” Light yelled.

 “Did...did you just say ™?” the twins asked.

“Yeah you gotta trademark that shit. No plagiarism dude.” Light replied.

And so Light introduced the twins to a new meme. After that the twins new they'd enjoy their senpai’s company.

But not as much as Haruhi’s.

That's where we go back to the beginning. The true nature of the situation finally started to sink in. Light was horrified.

“I’m a host.” Light whispered back to Jack, on the brink of tears.

“Dear god no.”

-

“This is amazing!!” Ally yelled through their lizardly shrieks of laughter.

“No it's not. This is horrible and fucking stupid. I didn't even agree to this!!” Light yelled, once again, on the brink of tears.

“I don't know man. It’s pretty funny.” Penny said thoughtfully.

“Do me a favour and eat a bag of dicks. Both of you.” Light said.

“Naaaaah. I'm good.” the lizard person and other girl said.

Light’s incomprehensible screeching was heard throughout the house as she locked herself in her room, to experience the beautiful music of Agust D.

Her inner peace was quickly ruined by another one of the terrible group chats she was constantly forced into.

 

[ **Lol the Host Club** ]

[ **Tati_luvs_Fairytail** added **LighttheMemeQueen, can_u_maybe_not, Smol_Nini, Jackiebean, vanESSER and #deadinside** to the chat]

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** tatania haven't I been tortured enough already?

 

 **Tati_luvs_Fairytail:** lol no

 

 **can_u_maybe_not:** I mean it's pretty funny…

 

 **#deadinside:** I second that.

 

 **Smol_Nini:** I like them

 

 **vanESSER:** they aight

 

 **Jackiebean:** i feel srry for u light.

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** this is why ur my only good friend

 

 **Jackiebean** : ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen: ...** plz no

 

 **Jackiebean:** (ﾉД`)

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** fuckign christ

 

 **Tati_luvs_Fairytail:** CAN YUO MAYB FLIRST LATER IM TRYNIG TO TALK ABOOT THA CLUB!!!!

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** i mean...if you insist…

 

 **Jackiebean:** (づ￣ ³￣)づ

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** nasty af

 

 **vanESSER** changed the chat name to **[Go Be Nasty™ elsewhere]**

 

 **Tati_luvs_Fairytail:** GUYS FUCKSHEHF PLEAGSDE

 

 **can_u_maybe_not:** why do you care about these ppl you just met? also im pretty sure i joined a cult today.

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** omg…

 

 **Tati_luvs_Fairytail:** YOU DID NOT SHREETEW MORI ALLY! STFU!

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** the Disrespect™

 

 **can_u_maybe_not:** agreed. now i finally understand how you feel.

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** good. **_suffer_ **

 

 **#deadinside:** lol. me af

 

 **Tati_luvs_Fairytail:** GUYSSSSS!!!! YUORE TERRIFBKE AND MEAN! IM TRYING TO TELL OU ABIUT MY LOVE!

 

 **Jackiebean:** And you call us nasty…

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** OOOOOHHHHHHH SNAP!

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** (✧∀✧)/

 

 **Jackiebean: \\(✧∀✧)** i gotchu boo

 

 **vanESSER:** gross.

 

 **Smol_Nini:** I like Hunny. Not for the reasons Tatania likes Mori though.

 

 **vanESSER:** same tbh with the twins.

 

 **Jackiebean:** excUSE ME?!

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** sunshine they can't call us gross if they keep up with this shit. let it happen. it'll be their downfall.

 

 **Jackiebean:** lol true

 

 **Smol_Nini:** Light no. It’s not like that.

 

 **vanESSER:** you're forever the grossest guys.

 

 **can_u_maybe_not:** lol sunshine

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** stfu you wet piece of cabbage.

 

 **can_u_maybe_not:** the SAVAGERY!

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** •~•

 

 **Jackiebean:** das cute

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** lol

 

 **#deadinside:** im screeching

 

 **can_u_maybe_not:** can confirm

 

 **Tati_luvs_Fairytail:** IM GONG BACK TI THE HOST CLUB TOMORROW. FUSVH YOU FOR NOT LISTEBJBF TO ME!

 

 **Smol_Nini:** im going too lol

 

 **vanESSER:** im sure jack’ll be there so im going too

 

 **Jackiebean:** you're a horrible sister. I hate you.

 

 **vanESSER:** haaaaaah.

 

 **Jackiebean** has left the chat

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** you're just going to make fun of me. you suck

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen** has left the chat

 

 **#deadinside** has left the chat

 

 **can_u_maybe_not** has left the chat

 

 **vanESSER:** where's the lie tho…

 

 **vanESSER** has left the chat

 

 **Smol_Nini** has left the chat

 

 **Tati_luvs_Fairytail:** WOW GUYS. WOW.

 

 **Tati_luvs_Fairytail** has closed the chat

 

**[We Dem Host Boys]**

 

 **[King Tama** has added **Pleb 1, Pleb 2, RoccMan, Smol_mochi** and **the_succ_king** to the chat **]**

 

 **the_succ_king:** You all have five seconds to explain why my name is the_succ_king before I obliterate your asses.

 

 **Pleb 1:** stfu Kyoya im called a p l e b.

 

 **Pleb 2:** Same TbH

 

 **Pleb 1:** lol u stfu too kaoru

 

 **Pleb 2:** Why Are You Like This?

 

 **Pleb 1:** anyways im psure ur name is the_succ_king bc u give the grade A succ to Tamaki all the time.

 

 **Pleb 2:** *ass obliterated* makes sense tho

 

 **King Tama:** ALL OF U STFU. THERES MORR IMPORTANT SHIT TO BE TALKING ABOUT THAN WHATEVER YOUR PROBLEMS ARE. YOU SHOULD BE LISTENING GO ME.

 

 **Pleb 1:** dear god

 

 **Pleb 2:** Not Again

 

 **Smol_mochi:** What's going on? I was eating cake

 

 **King Tama:** DID YOU SEE HARUHIII?? THONK I MIGHT B GAYY

 

 **Pleb 1** changed **King Tama** to **King Succ**

 

 **Pleb 2:** L O L

 

 **the_succ_king:** I knew it was you…

 

 **Pleb 1:** shit

 

 **Smol_mochi:** Tama-chan why…

 

 **RoccMan:** *robot beeping*

 

 **King Succ:** I CANT CHANGE MY NAME?!!!! CHNAGE IT BACK!!!

 

 **Pleb 1:** lol nah.

 

 **the_succ_king:** Is no one going to question why Mori is beeping like a robot?

 

 **Smol_mochi:** Because he is a robot. Duh.

 

**King Succ: WHAT?!**

 

**RoccMan: *affirmitive robot beeping***

 

 **Pleb 2:** What About That Other Host Tamaki Picked Up Today?

 

 **the_succ_king:** Oh right. Him.

 

 **King Succ:** H A R U H I  T H O

 

 **Smol_mochi:** The priorities tho

 

 **RoccMan:** *beeping*

 

 **the_succ_king** added **Light_Minasae** to the chat

 

 **King Succ:** KYOYA WHY?!

 

 **Light_Minasae:**...what is this and why am i here?

 

 **King Succ:** I APOLOGIZE FOR THE CATIONS OF THESE MEDIOCRE DUNCES, MINASAE-SAN. WELCOME TO THE HOST CLUB CHAT ROOM.

 

 **Pleb 1:** who tf you calling mediocre?

 

 **Pleb 2:** You Can’t Even Spell Properly.

 

 **King Succ** : SHUT UP! I’M TRYING TO INITIATE OUR NEWEST MEMBER!

 

 **Light_Minasae:** i don’t even want to know how you got my number. or why half of your names are succ jokes.

 

 **the_succ_king** : I apologize on behalf of these idiots Minasae-san. Your reluctance to be here is shared among half of this chat.

 

 **Light_Minasae:** sounds fake but k.

 

 **Light_Minasae:** i fucking knew this was a cult.

 

 **Light_Minasae** has left the chat

 

 **King Succ** has added **Light_Minasae** back to the chat

 

 **King Succ:** DON’T LEAVE YET YOU HAVEN’T BEEN FULLY INITIATED INTO THE CHAT!!!!111!!!

 

 **Light_Minasae:** i already deal with my own horseshit group chat plz don’t drag me into yours.

 

 **King Succ:** SCREEEEEEEEECH!

 

 **Light_Minasae:** this is precisely why i don’t want to be here. can i leave now?

 

 **the_succ_king:** Sadly no. You must suffer with the rest of us.

 

 **Light_Minasae:** or i could just block all of your asses and leave. lol

 

 **the_succ_king:** Don’t make us regret taking you in as a host.

 

 **Light_Minasae:** i already regret having the decision being made for me but whatevs.

 

 **Light_Minasae:** seriously tho hurry up with our initiation i have very important things to do.

 

 **King Succ:** THANK YOU MINASAE-SAN! YOU WILL NOT REGRET THIS!

 

 **Light_Minasae:** im already past the point of regret.

 

 **Pleb 1:** lol

 

 **Light_Minasae:** stfu pleb.

 

**Pleb 1: :(**

 

 **King Succ:** WELCOME TO OUR CLUB! WELCOME TO OUR CLUB! Welcome Squidward! Welcome Squidward! Welcome Squidward!

 

 **Light_Minasae** has left the chat

 

 **RoccMan:** good job. u doomed us all.

 

 **King Succ**  has fearfully closed the chat

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Join me next time as I question my life choices and try to scrape up an actual plot.
> 
> ...
> 
> Jokes I'm in it for the memes.
> 
> Jokes...I'll try next time.


	2. Episode 1 part 2: Electric Memealoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finish the rest of the episode and add some memes.

_ End me _ ...thought Light.

Assfuckery from the previous day clearly nothing was going to make this better. Everyone was still batshit insane.

“So Light-kun,” one of the girls said making Light hardcore cringe, “how are you liking Japan?”

“I live with six weeaboos one can only hope it gets better from here.” Light replied.

“I’M NOT A WEEABOO I’M AN OTAKU!” Tatania screeched from across the room.

“YOU’RE NOT JAPANESE DINGUS. YOU’RE A FUCKING WEEB.” Light screamed back.

Wholesome™ 

Right before Light could lose her mind, she was saved by Haruhi walking by. Holy fuck Light had never been so relieved to see someone somewhat sane in her vicinity.

“Do you need anything Light-senpai?” Haruhi asked.

“Escape from this eternal torment.” Light replied, hoping to God no one understood English. Thankfully they did not.

“I’m good, my dude. But I think Tamaki over there may need a defibrillator. It looks like he's having a stroke.” 

Haruhi glanced towards the man in question, worried for his sanity. She sighed, turning back to Light.

“We’re in this hell together, man. I bid you good luck.” Light said.

She could almost hear Haruhi’s pain as they made their way over to Tamaki.

From across the room she spotted it. A vaguely lizard shaped human. Ally. She waved at Ally, a nonverbal desperate cry for help. The cry was received. Help was on its way.

Meanwhile, the rest of the host club was initiating Haruhi into the club as a host. Via attempting to force Haruhi into a makeover. They didn't really seem to notice (or care) that Light wasn't with them. I don't particularly care so…

It was as Tamaki was giving out orders that he realized his fellow second year wasn't there. 

“Light? LIGHT?!” Tamaki screeched, turning around wildly.

His eyes rested on the couch she and Ally were sitting on, staring at Ally’s phone.

“You're right. This song is pretty bad.” Light said, as Rookie by Red Velvet ended.

“LIGHT!” Tamaki screamed again.

“What the hell does he want?” Ally asked, trying not to make eye contact with him.

“I dunno just pretend we’re watching a new video and he might leave us alone.” Light replied, tapping at Ally’s phone.

“Excellent.” Ally said. 

Immediately upon seeing the title of the video Light was trying to make them watch, Ally picked the phone up and shoved it into one of the uniform’s pockets.

“Six minutes of Min Suga genius jjang jjang man boong boong is not a viable video.” Ally hissed, lizardly powers beginning to show.

“Fuck.” Light whispered, slowly backing towards Tamaki.

When Light was gone Ally smiled a lizardly grin. “It should have been 10 minutes.”

“What's up ?” Light asked, after recovering from Ally’s lizard powers.

“We’re giving Haruhi a makeover so he can become the true host he was meant to be. I need you to do something for us.” Tamaki replied.

Light felt like she was about to regret this.

“What do you need me to do?” she deadpanned.

“Sing him the welcome song!” Tamaki shouted, throwing his hands up into the air. A stuffed bear fell out of his sleeve. How no one noticed it, no one knows.

“No.” Light replied, feeling even more regret than she did before.

“It's a host club activity! We're initiating a new member. You must do it! That's an order.” Tamaki yelled, pointing at her.

“I can't sing for shit dude. Get someone else to do it. If you need me I'll be over there 

“Please, everyone else is doing something for him right now. Even Hunny-senpai.” Tamaki pleaded.

“It’s looks an awful lot like he is just eating cake with his stuffed rabbit. Since he has been in the club longer than I have how about you let him sing the song. He looks pretty bummed out anyways.” she said.

“Excellent point, Light. I’ll go tell him right now!” Tamaki said excitedly, running over to Hunny.

Light blinked a couple times, dumbfounded by his dorkiness and ability to easily be influenced.

“That was way easier than I thought.” she said, walking back over to Ally, who wa cackling at something.

-

[ **Sunshine child** ]

 

**Lightimoo** : i need healing

 

**Sunshine child** : n o

 

**Lightimoo** : i  n e e d  h e a l i n g

 

**Sunshine child** : noOooOOOOoo. why are you doing this?

 

**Lightimoo** : im bored and surrounded by ppl who wish to further my suffering. help.

 

**Sunshine child:** *gasp* i gotchu boo.

 

**Lightimoo** : *ded*

 

**Sunshine child** : HEROS NEVER DIE!

 

**Lightimoo:** u have saved me again dr zeigler.

 

**Sunshine child:** stay alive this time, you lil shit.

 

**Lightimoo** : RUDE™ 

 

**Sunshine child** : lol. i’ll b there soon.

 

**Lightimoo:** thx mate

 

**Sunshine child** : no probs mate.

 

“Light-senpai?” Haruhi asked.

Light looked up from her phone, seeing Haruhi in her new uniform. She gave Haruhi a thumbs up, wondering if this was how Mori felt.

“I need some advice.” Haruhi said.

“Yeah what’s up?” Light said.

“You’re new too. How exactly do you do the hosting thing?” Haruhi asked.

“To be honest Haruhi, I have no idea why people are even requesting me. I’d say something like ‘being yourself is key’ or some kind of motivational shit like that but I’m literally just a sarcastic piece of shit who rolls with being shipped with my best guy friend for the laughs.Why anyone comes to me is beyond me.” Light replied. “And I’ve only been here for a day, why ask me?”

“You’re probably the most normal host out of all of them.” Haruhi replied.

“Really? Oh god…” Light said, shook.

“Thanks for trying, senpai.” Haruhi said,bowing before walking off.

-

**[the pest]**

 

**the pest** : LIGHT! Y DID YUO DO THIS TO ME?! I’M NOT A PEST!

 

**LighttheMemeQueen** : sure jan.

 

**the pest:** DID YOU CSEE MORI?! IM IN LUV!

 

**LighttheMemeQueen** : thats nice. 

 

**the pest:** LI GT

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** ...how even?

 

**the pest** : WAIT WHY ARENT YOU HOSTUING YUORES GUETS?

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** what are you doing that makes you type so badly?

 

**the pest** : LIGHT! ANSWER MY QUOSTEONS

 

**LighttheMemeQueen** : i have guests?

 

**the pest** : AGUGDJDKH YES UYO DO! HOW CANUAT YIOU SEE EKSHNJTGEM

 

**LighttheMemeQueen** : suddenly i cant read.

 

**the pest** : GUEST YOUR HOSTS!

 

**LighttheMemeQueen** : ...well it was spelled correctly at least.

 

**the pest** : AHSGJKDGSJKDEJKGD

 

**LightheMemeQueen** : glad we had this chat. it was enlightening.

 

**the pest:** DON’T YOU MEAN EN **LIGHT** ENING?!

 

**LighttheMemeQueen** has blocked  **the pest**

  
  


“LIGHT WHY?!” Tatania screamed from across the room.

She was ignored.

Light returned her attention to the red head from the previous day. Not that she really knew that because the red head was Tamaki’s bitch at the time. 

The red head was obviously not pleased she’d been ignored by the new host for whoever was on the phone. Judging by the outburst it was probably the annoying brunette girl who always hung out with Mori. The blatant disregard for guests that the new host had was insulting. She’d bring it up with Kyoya later. And the new host was always with that brunette boy who kept referring to him with disgusting pet names. Gross.

“So.” Light said, reading the expression the red head had. “Why are you here?” 

“Excuse me, peasant, I’m a paying customer. You can’t speak to me like that.” the red head said.

“I can. It’s my thing. I’m a sarcastic asshole. If you wanted someone who treated you like a princess you should have stayed with Tamaki. So I ask again, why are you here?” Light replied.

The red head could not believe this. The host club had two disgusting commoners among them, and one of them was extremely rude. She couldn’t think of what the other commoner was like. Probably just as horrible as this one was. 

“You should just quit the host club before it gets too far to your head. You’re a commoner, their interest in you will wear off.” the red head said, looking off to Tamaki.

“Uh huh.” Light responded, sounding extremely disinterested. 

When the red head turned back around, she found Light staring at her phone once again, looking very confused.

“Why...why would they put a coconut on Nochu’s head?” she whispered to herself.

The commoner hadn’t even been listening. This was the final straw. They both needed to leave...now.

-

As this had been happening, Tatania and Mori were ‘having a conversation’. In other words, Tatania had been talking at Mori again while he beeped and booped occasionally, not that she ever noticed.

There was something odd that his database picked up. Light was supposed to be a boy, but for some reason the name Tatania had for Light was LighttheMemeQueen. Now Mori wasn’t an expert, but he was pretty sure Queens were female. Putting two and two together meant that Light was most likely a girl. Further research needed to be made.

“uh...Mori?” Tatania asked, noticing he’d gone very quiet for a long time.

Mori.exe is experiencing technical difficulties. Please come back later. (AN: I feel this on a spiritual level.)

“I got this.” Hunny said, sounding oddly serious.

Hunny played a Bastion voice clip, somehow rebooting Mori.

All was well in the universe.

Well...maybe not all.

There’s still that scheming cunt.

[ **FRONDS** ]

 

**[Tati_luvs_Fairytail** has added  **LighttheMemeQueen, #deadinside** ,  **vanESSER** ,  **can_u_maybe_not** , and  **smol_nini** to the chat]

 

**Tati_luvs_Fairytail** : HOPY FUCK GUYS. I BROKE MORI TODAY!

 

**LighttheMemeQueen** : ew.

 

**can_u_maybe_not** : haaaaaaaah.

 

**smol_nini:** That was pretty weird.

 

**vanESSER:** where tf is jack?

 

**Tati_luvs_Fairytail** : KEEPING THE GROSSNESS TO A MINUET.

 

**#deadinside:** What the fuck are you talking about?

 

**Tati_luvs_Fairytail** : *MINIMUM

 

**LighttheMemeQueen** added  **Jackiebean** to the chat

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** oops. my finger slipped.

 

**can_u_maybe_not** : haaaaaaah.

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** yo has your .exe file stopped working too?

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** lol nah. im good.

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** wholesome™ 

 

**Jackiebean:** are you seriously excluding me from the chat because of Light and I? rood.

 

**vanESSER** : youre being excluded because of your grossness. BYE.

 

**vanESSER** has blocked  **Jackiebean** from the chat.

 

**#deadinside** has added  **Jackiebean** to the chat

 

**Jackiebean** : wtf is happening?

 

**#deadinside:** i enjoy others torment.

 

**Jackiebean** : …

 

**LighttheMemeQueen** : k. so mori.exe broke earlier today. cool. anything else we need to know? otherwise im just going to leave. i feel host club bullshit about to come.

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** they hve a group chat dont they?

 

**LighttheMemeQueen** : yeah. please end me.

 

**Jackiebean** : nuuuuuuu.

 

**LighttheMemeQueen** : youre literally asking them to ban you lol. ITS TIME TO STOP!

 

**smol_nini:** Not this again.

 

**can_u_maybe_not** : Light’s memes are wholesome. Embrace them.

 

**LighttheMemeQueen** : there is no Light. They call me…

 

**LighttheMemeQueen** : baepsae.

 

**LighttheMemeQueen** : has blocked  **LighttheMemeQueen** from the chat. How the fuck does that even work.

 

**[Lizard friend]**

 

**Lizard friend:** you’re dead to me.

 

**Light_Minasae:** l o l ™ 

  
  


**[We da Host Boys]**

 

**[King Succ** added  **the_succ_king, Pleb 1, Pleb 2, bunny_mochis, Roccman** and  **Light_Minasae** to the chat **]**

 

**King Succ:** WHYIS THIS STILL MY NME?!

 

**Pleb 1:** if u dont like it change it.

 

**King Succ:** I CANT

 

**Light_Minasae** changed  **King Succ** to  **drunk.boss.exe**

 

**Light_Minasae:** Is that better?

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** NO!!!!

 

**drunk.boss.exe** : I STILL CANT CHANGE IT!

 

**Light_Minasae** : lol 

 

**Light_Minasae** changed  **Roccman** to  **bot**

 

**Light_Minasae** changed  **the_succ_king** to  **Kira**

 

**Pleb 1:** omg…

 

**Pleb 2:** What About Us Light-senpai?

 

**Light_Minasae:** 1 sec.

 

**Light_Minasae** changed  **Pleb 1** to  **Alpha Twin**

 

**Light_Minasae** changed  **Pleb 2** to  **Learn how to fucking type without giving people headaches**

 

**Light_Minasae:** Does this suit your standards?

 

**Learn how to fucking type without giving people headaches: .** ..I feel attacked.

 

**Kira:** What does this even mean?

 

**Light_Minasae:** If you watched Death Note you’d understand.

 

**Kira:** I’m sorry. I don’t watch shows meant for children.

 

**Light_Minasae:** Even I wouldn’t let a small child watch Death Note. 

 

**drunk.boss.exe** : WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME?!

 

**Light_Minasae:** Because memes.

 

**Kira:** We’re not done Minasae-san.

 

**Light_Minasae:** I’m good. I’m done.

 

**bot:** bot approves

 

**bunny_mochis:** Light-chan...wait can I can you Light-chan first of all?

 

**Light_Minasae:** Yeah sure.

 

**Kira:** Do not ignore me, Minasae-san. You’re making a huge mistake.

 

**Alpha Twin:** omg Kyoya shut up.

 

**bunny_mochis:** Okay! Light-chan how do you know how to change names so well?

 

**Light_Minasae** : I do it all the time lol. 

 

**bunny_mochis:** Can you change mine?

 

**Light_Minasae** : ...o...kay.

 

**Light_Minasae** changed  **bunny_mochis** to  **cakechild.exe**

 

**Light_Minasae:** So since Haruhi’s a host now are you going to add her to the chat?

 

**Kira** added  **Haruhi Fujioka** to the chat.

 

**Light_Minasae:** Does no one else find it creepy this wet blanket knows Haruhi’s phone number.

 

**Kira:** I’d watch what you say.

 

**Light_Minasae:** seriously stfu.

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** LIGHT  **NO!!**

 

**Alpha Twin:** wait he has a phone?

 

**Haruhi Fujioka** : Everyone has a phone.

 

**Alpha Twin** : is it a flip phone.

 

**Haruhi Fujioka** : Um...yes. 

 

**Haruhi Fujioka** : Hold on how do you have my phone number?

 

**Light_Minasae:** Roll with it. That’s how I came here. 

 

**Light_Minasae:** Also don’t disrespect the flip phone. Flip phones are the shit.

 

**drunk.boss.exe** : AHHHHH! WHAT FOUL LANGUAGE! LIGHT HOW COULD YOU?!

 

**Light_Minasae** : idk i typed s to the h to the i to the t. im d boi. because im from d. 

 

**Alpha Twin** : did...did you just rap?

 

**Light_Minasae:** wow. suddenly i cant read. new phone who dis?

 

**cakechild.exe:** Light-chan are you okay?

 

**Light_Minasae** : there is no Light. Only Zuul.

 

**Kira:** Please tell me Minasae-san didn’t just quote Ghostbusters.

 

**Alpha Twin:** He did.

 

**Light_Minasae** : Light.exe is corrupted. Existence deleted.

 

**bot:** *evil laughter* Sacrifice has been made. You have summoned me.

 

**Learn how to fucking type without giving people a headache** : WTF Is Happening.

 

**Kira** : I have no idea. And mind your language.

 

**cakechild.exe:** I’m scared.

 

**Light_Minasae** : Yeah so that was Jack. He says hi.

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** WHY WAS HE TOUCHING YOUR PHONE?!

 

**Light_Minasae:** ...what?

 

**drunk.boxx.exe** : THIS IS HOST CLUB CONFIDENTIAL

 

**Light_Minasae:** Oops.

 

**bot** : *sad booping*

 

**Haruhi Fujioka** : Is this what usually happens in your chat?

 

**Kira:** Usually no. Ever since Minasae-san joined us the chat’s been slightly different.

 

**Light_Minasae** : You have no room to talk. Yesterday I was added to the chat while you were arguing about your username being succ jokes and Tamaki pining over some choice person. *lenny face*

 

**Alpha Twin:** who the fuck is lenny?

 

**Light_Minasae** changed  **Alpha Twin** to  **Twin 1.**

 

**Light_Minasae** changed  **Learn how to fucking type without giving people headaches** to  **Twin 2.**

 

**Twin 1** : awww….

 

**Light_Minasae:** also im pretty sure some red head girl is out for mine and Haruhi’s blood. 

 

**Light_Minasae** : with that i am gone.

 

**Light_Minasae** has muted the chat

 

**Haruhi Fujioka** : What is Light-senpai talking about?

 

**Kira:** I did hear Princess Ayanakoji plotting something earlier. 

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** KYOYA WHY?! WE MUST PROTECT THE INNOCENT...AND LIGHT.

 

**Haruhi Fujioka:** What?

 

**drunk.boss.exe** has forcibly closed the chat

 

-

 

The red head, Ayanakoji, was about to put her plan into action. No one would suspect a thing...no one. She grabbed Haruhi’s bag, and snuck out the door- she’d ruin the other new host later. This one had to be taken care of first.

As she approached the open window, Ayanakoji noticed something very odd. The brown haired boy that was always with Minasae, was sitting in front of the window looking forward into the void. It seems her plan would have to be put on a brief halt. 

Jack’s head quickly whipped over to Ayanakoji, his expression not changing.

“Were you aware...swans could be gay?” he asked.

“What?” Ayanakoji asked.

“Well they can be.” Jack said.

“That’s nice.” Ayanakoji said, turning around to go to a different window.

“Also,” Jack said, the tone of his voice changing to something much creepier. “If you do what you’re about to do there will be consequences.”

Ayanakoji turned around, trying to keep her surprise from showing. She was more surprised to find that Jack was now standing right in front of her.

 

“And if you ever think about disrespecting my friend again...you’re going to require medical attention.” he whispered.

Ayanakoji dropped Haruhi’s bag on the floor and stalked off, vowing to ruin him and anyone else who spoke to her like that ever again. She went back to the club, quickly making up a new plan to get Haruhi removed from the club.

**[Lightimoo]**

 

**Sunshine child:** i dont think it worked.

**Lightimoo:** what are you talking about? where tf are you?

**Sunshine child:** the red head that’s out for blood is even more out for blood now probably.

 

**Lightimoo:** ...get the tea. this gonna be good.

 

**Sunshine child:**

**Sunshine child:** tea is got.

 

**Lightimoo:** lol youre amazing sunshine.

 

**Sunshine child:** ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

 

**Lightimoo:** i draw the line at speaking in emoji

 

**Sunshine child:** f i n e

 

“Why do you actually have tea?” asked Light upon seeing Jack.

“You asked for tea. I delivered,” Jack replied.

The long sigh that followed was enough indication for everyone that even Light was done with his shenanigans.

“Oh no. Haruhi just attacked me. wweh.” Ayanakoji screamed on the other side of the room.

“Is she fucking serious?” Light whispered.

“Yeah.” Jack whispered back.

Some other shit happened leading to Ayakanoji being banned from the club. She vowed for revenge. Later that day...she met the yakuza. That was the last anyone ever saw of Ayanakoji.

**[Kyoya Ootori]**

 

**Kyoya Ootori:** Minasae-san.

 

**Light_Minasae:** what?

 

**Kyoya Ootori:** Normally I would comment about your manners, or lack thereof, but what you had your friend do was a gesture much appreciated.

 

**Light_Minasae:** Jack? That wasn’t me.

 

**Kyoya Ootori:** Pardon.

 

**Light_Minasae:** That was all on Jack. Tbh I don’t even know what he did.

 

**Kyoya Ootori:** Really? Why did he do it then?

 

**Light_Minasae:** im pretty sure its because i was involved. and im pretty sure youve seen how close we are so…

 

**Kyoya Ootori:** I see.

 

**Light_Minasae:** so.

 

**Light_Minasae:** when are you planning on telling everyone im a girl?

 

**Kyoya Ootori:** That’s not my responsibility or my place to tell anyone. 

 

**Light_Minasae:** but it was your place to look up my personal information? sure jan.

 

**Kyoya Ootori:** That has nothing to do with this.

 

**Light_Minasae:** Don’t tell me you actually believe this isn’t creepy.

 

**Kyoya Ootori:** I’d recommend for you to stop now.

 

**Light_Minasae:** I hope you take your own advice.

 

Tamaki’s horrified shrieks distracted both of the from their conversation. As they both approached where the screams were coming from Kyoya whispered, “This isn’t over.” 

Light either didn’t notice or didn’t care. 

“Haruhi...you’re a girl?” Tamaki asked, when he finally found his lost shit.

“Called it.” Light whispered.

 

“Biologically speak yes. But I don’t really care about which you see me as.” Haruhi replied, shrugging.

**[Kyoya Ootori]**

**Kyoya Ootori:** Well?

 

**Light_Minsae:** he’s been traumatized enough for one day. It’ll come up some other time.

 

**Kyoya Ootori:** And when will that be?

  
**Light_Minasae:** *shrugs*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of this chapter was written at the early hours of the morning because insomnia.


	3. Bad at Dancing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The host club are throwing the sickest dance party of the century. Too bad Light can't dance.
> 
> Some other bullshit happens throughout the chapter.

Light continued doodling in her notebook while Tamaki went on one of his rants about being a gentleman...or was it about the next theme of the host club? She wasn't paying attention. It took a while before either Tamaki or Kyoya noticed she wasn't paying attention at all.

 

“Minasae-san, what are you doing?” Kyoya sighed.

 

“Drawing. Cool right?” Light replied, shoving her notebook in Kyoya and Tamaki’s face.

 

It was a small boy holding, what looked like, a pool noodle shouting some English words. If Tamaki and Kyoya could understand English they would have learned that it said “Flow like water.”

 

“While you are artistic I'm afraid it isn't the topic of our conversation. We’re trying to discuss the next host club activity with you.” Kyoya said, pushing his glasses up.

 

The glasses glint in the light menacingly. The glasses are more menacing than the man.

 

“I vaguely remember you saying something about a tropical paradise. After that everything’s lost to me.” Light replied.

 

“In a week the host club is hosting a party. Do you by chance have formal dancing training?” Kyoya asked.

 

Light raised her eyebrow at him, closing her notebook.

 

“I’ll take that as a no.” Kyoya said, opening his own notebook and writing something down.

 

“I’m just going to throw this out there now, I’m a terrible dancer. When I dance things break. It’d be in your best interest if I didn’t. I’d rather not end up like Haruhi.” Light said.

 

Flashbacks to the time a hole was created through a wall the last time she danced played through her mind.. It was a horrible sight. No one needs to know what she was dancing to. To further explain how terrible she is at dancing, let’s just say she makes Rap Monster look like J-Hope. It’s that terrible.

 

Tamaki, at this point, finally broke out of his stupor - the picture was a little much for him to handle, especially since it was suddenly thrust into his face. He wanted to ask questions about it, but the issue about Light’s dancing and the party was a much bigger concern.

 

“You must learn how to dance. It’s a gentleman’s duty. I’m sure Haruhi would be more than willing to come, so you must too.” Tamaki said.

 

Light stayed silent, trying to mind his feelings despite wanting to tell him how wrong he was in those statements.

 

Kyoya was looking at her with a snarky-ass expression. She returned it with a look of great displeasure. She still hadn’t found the time to tell the other host club members she was a girl, aka she’d forgotten to tell them.

 

“I’ll pray to Father Namjoon, Jinsus and the Hobi spirit that I’ll somehow get those dancing skills in a week. It’s joing to be useless though because a week can’t suddenly make me a good dancer. You’ll all be sorry and it will be your fault.” Light sarcastically said.

 

“Excellent! Now we must prepare for our guests. Take your cosplay and get ready.” Tamaki dramatically said, a flower halo swirling around him.

 

_Fuck._

 

**[Kyoya the dickweed]**

 

 **Light_Minasae:** why are you people like this

 

 **Kyoya the dickweed:** What seems to be the problem?

 

 **Light_Minasae:** im not wearing this

 

 **Kyoya the dickweed:** It’s for the theme.

 

 **Light_Minasae:** im p.sure this is a passive-aggressive attempt to make me tell everyone im a girl.

 

 **Kyoya the dickweed:** Not at all. Tamaki’s the one who makes all the decisions.

 

 **Light_Minasae:** sure jan.

 

 **Kyoya the dickweed:** Who is jan?

 

 **Light_Minasae:** you obviously

 

 **Kyoya the dickweed:** Why did you change my name to this?

 

 **Light_Minasae:** gotta blast

 

“I’m extremely uncomfortable by this…” Light said, taking in the sight of the other hosts.

 

Kyoya was too busy being butthurt about his rude™ name Light had given him to care about Light not wearing the cosplay she was given. After she’d exited the change room she found that the other hosts had already magically gotten into their costumes and were ready for hosting.

 

After looking around the room further she noticed someone was missing.

 

“Where’s Haruhi?” she asked.

 

-

 

Light sat in her seat blankly looking forward while her guests fangirled over the rest of the club. She couldn’t believe she was still doing this. She didn’t know why she hadn’t left yet. Everything about this was so uncomfortable.

 

Out of the corner of her eye she spotted it.

 

Shia Lebeouf.

 

I mean Jack.

 

“Thank god you’re here.” she said to him in English.

 

“You look positively ready for spring.” Jack responded.

 

“Honestly though, if I was dressed in our version of spring attire, everyone would think a blizzard would be coming.” Light said reverting back to Japanese.

 

“That reminds me, a new update for Overwatch came out, you wanna play later?” Jack asked.

 

“You mean the Uprising update? Yeah dude let’s do it! I think they have an all heroes mode. We can just destroy as DVa and Lucio.” Light replied.

 

The guests didn’t really understand how any of these things were connected. Nor did they know what Overwatch was. They didn’t really understand what was going on...but they shipped it.

 

“DVa’s really OP in this game mode.” Jack said.

 

“So is Bastion. Both our Bastion and the AI Bastions. For some reason they have way more health than playable Bastion though.” Light replied.

 

“Don’t remind me. Anyways, shouldn’t you be hosting these ladies?” Jack asked.

 

“Technically yes but my soulmate gets priority.” Light replied.

 

The girls sighed. They shipped it.

 

On the other hand…

 

“EWWWWWW! That’s disgusting!” yelled Vanessa.

 

“Just...ignore her.” Light said, turning back to her guests.

 

They didn’t seem to care too much.

 

“So why aren’t you and Haruhi wearing outfits like the rest of the hosts?” asked on of her guests.

 

“I can’t exactly speak for Haruhi, but I’m too used to Canadian spring which is still disgustingly cold so I’d prefer to stick with my normal school uniform. It reminds me of the amount of clothing I’d wear back at home. Also because shirtless people make me extremely uncomfortable.” Light replied, cringing by the end of it.

 

The fact that people swooned over that statement was absolutely astonishing, but it wasn’t much of surprise to Light anymore. People who came to the host club would swoon over anything. Including cringey ‘brotherly love’ bullshit. *cough incest is not wincest cough*

 

Elsewhere, Haruhi was in the process of meeting Kanako Kasugazaki. Some spicy beats were about to be dropped, despite the fact there were no spicy beats to be found anywhere. I just said that because I’m still thinking of Overwatch. Ha ha ha ha ha.

 

-

 

**[Sunshine child]**

 

 **Lightimoo:** yo remember that time we all had the horrible idea of letting me dance and a broke a hole through the wall?

 

 **Sunshine child:**...they didn’t…

 

 **Lightimoo:** they did.

 

 **Sunshine child:** they’ll unleash hell on earth.

 

 **Lightimoo:** they want me to pray the bad dancing away. its going to end horribly.

 

 **Sunshine child:** if only your brother could have come with us.

 

 **Lightimoo:** i would never subject him to this shit.

 

 **Sunshine child:** its up his alley though.

 

 **Lightimoo:**...its actually not tho. hes all talk but no game. also please dont say that to him, it legit bothers him.

 

 **Sunshine child:** basically this club. (also sorry. plz forgive)

 

 **Lightimoo:** OMG MY SIDES!! (youre forgiven)

 

 **Lightimoo:** fuck theyre expecting something from me. see you later.

 

 **Sunshine child:** ill be waiting for you.

 

 **Lightimoo:** ew

 

Light looked up seeing a displeased Kyoya. Tamaki was busy sulking in the corner, now that Kanako was all about the Haruhi.

 

“Let me guess. Blah blah blah pay attention. Blah blah blah party. Blah blah blah you’re a terrible host. I got it.” Light sarcastically said, making the okay fingers.

 

“Actually we were trying to get Tamaki-senpai to stop sulking so he could help us with the party planning, but you’re help would be appreciated too.” Hikaru said.

 

“It’s not Haruhi’s fault Kanako changed. What’s he so pissy about?” Light asked.

 

“So that’s why he’s mad. He think I stole her from him.” Haruhi said.

 

“Shut up! Haruhi it’s time you started dressing like a girl. No one knows you’re a girl aside from us here.” Tamaki suddenly shouted.

 

**[Noodles - why do we still use this?]**

 

 **Soba:** im surrounded by idiots

 

 **Udon:**...Light…?

 

 **Soba:** wait shit. wrong chat. sorry, bro.

 

 **Udon:** Aww you don’t want to talk to me?

 

 **Soba:** believe me i have a lot to tell. rn isnt a good time tho. ttyl little brother.

 

 **Udon:** ttyl ane-san.

 

As Tamaki, the twins and Haruhi continued to make a scene. The other members watched, taking in the pure stupidity of the situation.

 

Light blinked a couple of times, before looking slightly towards Kyoya.

 

“Would it be a bad time?” she asked.

 

“Very much so.” Kyoya replied, pushing his glasses up once again.

 

“What do you mean Light-chan?” asked Hunny.

 

Kyoya internally groaned, watching Light grin wickedly at him. She let it fall before turning to Hunny.

 

“Well, you see Hunny-senpai,” she said. “I’m also a girl.”

 

Mori made some booping noises and smoke started coming out of every orifice on his face after her statement had been made. He was right. Queens were females. The host club watched, horrified as Mori continued to smoke uncontrollably. No one, not even Hunny, knew what to do.

 

Mori dissolved into the ground, leaving a roomba in his place. It was Mori’s final form.

 

Not knowing how else to react, Light pulled out her phone and snapped a picture of the roomba on the floor.

 

**[the pest]**

 

 **Light_Minasae** has unblocked **the pest**

 

**Light_Minasae:**

  


**Light_Minasae:** the dude youve been pining over is a fucking roomba.

 

 **the pest:** WHAT?!

 

 **Light_Minasae:** he literally just turned into a roomba. im legit scared.

 

 **the pest:** HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!

 

 **Light_Minasae:** i told them i was a girl. then he started smoking. it ended with him dissolving and leaving behind a roomba.

 

 **the pest:** I DON’T KNOW HOW TO RESPOND

 

 **Light_Minasae:** neither do we. we’re all just staring at the roomba on the floor. hunny looks like hes about to cry.

 

 **the pest:** WHY DID YOU TELL THEM YOURE A GIRL?!

 

 **Light_Minasae:** its only fair to haruhi. and im sure they would have found out eventually.

 

 **the pest:** YOU COULD HAVE WAITED A LITTLE BIT LONGER!!!

 

 **Light_Minasae:** hold on the roombas smoking again.

 

The host club watched the roomba smoke for a good long minute, waiting to see if Mori would be returned...or for something else to happen. Hopefully it wasn’t going to explode and kill them all. That would be bad news bears. The roomba smoked seemingly endlessly.

 

Kyoya looked over at Light, his glasses glaring menacingly in the light. “This is your fault.” he said.

 

“How was I supposed to know he was a roomba?!” Light yelled.

 

The smoking stopped. The roomba remained. This was actually Mori.

 

“Takashiiiiii.” Hunny wailed, picking the roomba up and holding it close to his chest.

 

The twins and Tamaki were still to dumbfounded by the fact Mori was a roomba.

 

“So the party’s cancelled...right?” Haruhi asked.

 

“Of course not. For now we’ll just have to find a replacement for Mori.’ Tamaki said, breaking out of his trance.

 

“And that will be up to you, Minasae-san. After all you’re the one who caused this problem.” Kyoya said, pulling a block notebook out of thin air.

 

“It’s not my fault Mori was a roomba oh my god!” Light screamed.

 

-

 

**[Fronds]**

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** does anyone know if a coat rack is a viable replacement for Mori?

 

 **Tati_luvs_Fairytail:** NO IT ISN’T!!!!

 

 **can_u_maybe_not:** i vaguely remember Tatania saying something about Mori and roombas earlier. is this about that?

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** yeah hes a roomba. what a surprise

 

 **#deadinside:** i think it'd be a good option. the coat rack will talk more than mori.

 

 **can_u_maybe_not:** OH SNAP!

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** the savagery™

 

 **#deadinside:**  *bows*

 

 **smol_Nini:** Mori’s a roomba?

 

 **vanESSER:** wtf even is a roomba?

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** yes.

 

 **vanESSER:** this doesn’t help in the slightest.

 

 **Jackiebean:** lol good.

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** maybe you should be the roomba’s replacement.

 

 **can_u_maybe_not:** oh SNAP

 

 **Jackiebean:** no thanks. im good.

 

 **vanESSER:** wouldn’t that give you a reason to be disgusting together in the club.

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** theyre looking for a STRONG silent type. not the literal embodiment of sunshine.

 

 **can_u_maybe_not:** FUCK EQUIUS AND HIS SHITTY SWEATY TOWELS

 

 **Jackiebean:** (* ^ ω ^)

 

 **#deadinside:** lol do it.

 

 **smol_Nini:** I agree.

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:**...why?

 

 **smol_Nini:** Your only other option has been a coat rack. I hope you can see why this is a problem.

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** idk i think the coat rack fits what they’re looking for a lot better. no offense dude.

 

 **Jackiebean:** ｡･ﾟﾟ*(>д<)*ﾟﾟ･｡

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** (눈_눈)

 

 **#deadinside:** Light’s not having any of your emoji shit right now.

 

 **can_u_maybe_not:** but she responded in emoji…

 

 **smol_Nini:** What does this mean?

 

 **#deadinside:** they’re fucking made for each other.

 

 **can_u_maybe_not:** where’s the lie though?

 

 **vanESSER!:** s T O P

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** please stop shipping me with real people.

 

 **#deadinside:** no.

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** blocked.

 

 **vanESSER:** b l o c k e d

 

 **Tati_luvs_Fairytail:** I THONK HER AND KYOYA ARE ULTIMATE OTP!

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen** has blocked **Tati_luvs_Fairytail** from the chat.

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** fuck no.

 

 **smol_Nini:** Seriously we usually joke about the Jack and Light thing but actually shipping her with someone she barely knows is fucking weird.

 

 **#deadinside:** agreed.

 

 **can_u_maybe_not:** i third this motion.

 

 **Jackiebean:** why do you ship us…

 

 **vanESSER:** **( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)**

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:** …

 

 **Jackiebean:** …

 

 **Jackiebean** has left the chat

 

 **can_u_maybe_not:** haaaaaaaaaaah

 

 **LighttheMemeQueen:**...im just going to tape a feather duster and the roomba to a coat rack...replacement Mori is found.

 

 **smol_Nini:** I’ll get the tape.

 

Kyoya was trying hard to control his anger. He really was. However it was proving to be quite the task, with what he was graced with.

 

Light was standing beside a coat rack taped to the roomba, which now had part of a black feather duster on it. There was a sign hung around one of the hooks which read _The New Mori_ in extremely messy penmanship.

 

“Minasae-san, I don’t even know where to begin with this.” Kyoya said, attempting to keep his voice calm.

 

“I wrote the sign with my right hand if you were wondering why the writing looking like shit.” Light said nonchalantly, as if she hadn’t brought a coat rack with her to the host club.

 

“That is not a viable substitute for Mori-senpai.” Kyoya said, gesturing to _The New Mori._

 

Light gasped, holding either side of the roomba, as if it had ears. “Don’t say that in front of him. Where’s your respect?!” she asked.

 

“That is a coat rack.” Kyoya replied.

 

Light gasped again, picking to coat rack up and taking it away.

 

“Don’t worry Mori, Hunny will appreciate you.” she said as she walked away from Kyoya.

 

Kyoya stood, dumbfounded, questioning what the hell was up with this club and why everyone was chronically stupid.

 

Elsewhere Haruhi was learning to dance with Kanako, much to Tamaki’s displeasure. He wanted to be the one who taught Haruhi how to dance...for  some reason.

 

“Who’s teaching Light how to dance?” Tamaki suddenly asked, not standing for being harassed by the twins.

 

“ _The New Mori,_ duh.” the twins replied.

 

Light wasn’t going to learn how to dance, was she?

 

Nope.

 

-

 

“This is terrible…” Light whispered, staring at the filled ballroom.

 

None of the ladies could hear Light’s internalized sobs, as they listened to Kyoya’s welcoming speech. It’s not like they would have cared anyways, their entertainment was more important than anyone’s feelings.

 

_Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha._

 

As soon as Kyoya officially started the party, Light bolted for a hiding place. There was no way she was breaking another hole through another wall, especially in this school. Kyoya would never let her hear the end of it if that happened.

 

Ten minutes later, her plan was ruined. Tatania stormed up to her holding _The New Mori_ throwing it at Light’s feet. Light pulled out her headphones, giving the other girl a questioning look.

 

“Are you serious?! You actually just taped a roomba and a feather duster to a coat rack and called it Mori?!” Tatania screeched.

 

“ _The New Mori_ gives much nicer conversation than the old Mori. You should be grateful. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going back into hibernation.” Light said, shoving her headphones back into her ears.

 

When Kyoya walked up to her, disapproving look on his face, she groaned loudly dragging her feet back into the salon room. She chose to sulk out in the open, rather than dance with her usual guests. They found this adorable for some reason, Light couldn’t really say how.

 

Off in the distance she noticed the guy who’s delivered tea cups the other day. Wasn’t he part of some plan Tamaki made? She couldn’t remember. Most of Tamaki’s speeches went in one ear and out the other. Upon further inspection, she noticed the teacup guy was talking to Jack.

 

The guests noticed Light’ eyes widen slightly and run off toward the teacup guy and Jack. Awesome, ship continues to sail.

 

“Dude, what are you doing here?” Light asked.

 

“Tatania and Kyoya blackmailed me into coming…” Jack sighed.

 

The glare she sent Kyoya went unnoticed, but the promise of death sent to Tatania definitely wasn’t. Tatania gulped under the glare Light was sending her. This could possible have been her final moments with the host club…

 

Spoilers: they actually weren’t.

 

Suzushima snuck away, deciding it was a better idea to talk to his secret admirer than stay another moment with Light Minasae. He made the right choice. Someone was going to die soon.

 

“My efforts were unappreciated. Want to ironically join their club?” Light asked.

 

“Ha. No.” Jack replied, grinning.

 

“Help me please.” Light pleaded.

 

“You could, I dunno, quite the club.” Jack said.

 

“Then what would the point of this fanfiction be?” Light asked.

 

Jack blinked a couple of times, confused. “Fanfiction?” he asked.

 

Light’s eyes shifted towards the author, a plea for help. The author was too busy shitting around and writing other fanfiction chapters that had nothing to do with this current one….or were they? Light’s efforts were once again unnoticed.

 

Suddenly the author whipped her head over to Light and Jack. She grinned menacingly at them, as if she was planning something horrible. “You _will_ join the host club. And you _will not_ enjoy it.” she hissed.

 

Jack held back his hideous, gross, sobbing the best he could. Why did e have to suddenly be involved with these shenanigans? He just wanted to live a pure wholesome life.

 

**[We Da Host Boyz]**

 

 **Kira:** That could have gone a lot worse.

 

 **Twin 1:** tru dat

 

 **food_slut:** You forced me to kiss a girl for your money. What the hell?!

 

 **Twin 2:** Ummm…

 

 **MINAwatchaSAE:** just...why…

 

 **drunk.boss.exe:** WHTA HAPPENED TO HARUHEE’S NAME?!

 

 **food_slut:** WAIT WHAT THE HELL?! WHO CHANGED MY NAME?!

 

 **Twin 1:** _suspiciously looks at Light-senpai_

 

 **Twin 2:** _Also Suspiciously Looks At Light-Senpai_

 

 **MINAwatchaSAE:** i tend to stay away from this assfuckery as much as i possibly can.

 

 **MINAwatchaSAE:** also even if i did change the names again i wouldnt call myself a dead meme

 

 **Twin 2:** That Meme Isn’t Dead!! Hikaru Loves Using That One!!

 

 **Twin 1:** KAORU YOU SELLOUT! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!

 

 **food_slut:** Change my name back right now.

 

 **Twin 1:** oops I’m dead. can’t help you now.

 

 **drunk.boss.exe:** HIKARU I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DONT CHANGE HER NAME BACK RIGHT NOW I WILL SMITE YOU

 

 **Twin 1:** *dead sounds*

 

 **Kira:** The dead don’t make sounds, moron.

 

 **Twin 1:** has anyone ever told you that you suck hairy asshole, Kyoya?

 

 **MINAwatchaSAE:** im ready for the sweet embrace of death.

 

 **MINAwatchaSAE:** im going to kermit sudoku.

 

 **MINAwatchaSAE:** i  n e e d  h e a l i n g

 

 **Twin 2:** And You Were Just Talking About Dead Memes.

 

 **MINAwatchaSAE:** none of those are dead memes. overwatch memes have never felt more _Alive,_ and everyone still uses the sudoku memes.

 

 **Twin 1:** lies.

 

 **MINAwatchaSAE:** stfu, you moldy carrot headass.

 

 **cake.child.exe:** oh shIT SON!!!!

 

 **drunk.boss.exe:** AGHHHHHH! NOW HUNNY-SENPAI IS SWEARING!!!

 

 **cake.child.exe:** I mean...wow Light-chan that wasn’t very nice.

 

 **MINAwatchaSAE:** i know your true intentions now. welcome to the dark side.

 

 **cake.child.exe:** E x c e l l e n t

 

 **Kira:** Why are you all chronically stupid?

 

 **drunk.boss.exe:** KYOYA WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME TOO? I THOUGHT WE WERE BFFS. BROTHERS. MY WAIFU!!!

 

 **MINAwatchaSAE:** what the literal fuck did i just read?

 

 **Kira:** Again. Why are you all chronically stupid

 

 **drunk.boss.exe:** IS IT BECAUSE I DON’T DRAW YOU LIKE ONE OF MY FRENCH GIRLS?!

 

 **Twin 2:** I Think The Boss Really Is Drunk…

 

 **Twin 1:** this conversation cannot actually be happening…

 

 **drunk.boss.exe:** IS IT BECUASE I DON’T LOVE YOU LIKE YOU LOVE ME?! IM SORRY KYOYA BUT I LIKE THA PUSS-PUSS.

 

 **MINAwatchaSAE:**...oh my god…

 

 **Kira:** Tamaki I don’t love you.

 

 **drunk.boss.exe:** DON’T LIE TO ME KYOYA! THAT DAY I BROKE INTO YOUR HOUSE AND PLAYED PIANO FOR YOUR FAMILY YOU TOTALLY TRIED TO KISS ME AFTER THREATENING TO MURDER ME! IM VERY CONFUSSELD BY YOARE MIZED SIGNERLS.

 

 **Kira:** None of that happened. How drunk are you?

 

 **drunk.boss.exe:** I AM NOT DRUNK. STOB LYING TO THE OTHER CLUB MEMBERS!

 

 **Idiot_the_Jerk** has added herself to the chat.

 

 **Idiot_the_Jerk** has added **Jack** to the chat

 

 **Idiot_the_Jerk:** Why am I subjecting myself to this shit?

 

 **MINAwatchaSAE:** i ask myself that everyday.

 

 **Twin 1:** who the fuck are you?

 

 **Idiot_the_Jerk:** With that. I must flee. Yaint supposed to know who I am.

 

 **Idiot_the_Jerk** has left the chat.

 

 **Jack:** did the author just say yaint?

 

 **MINAwatchaSAE:** i hate her so much…*

 

 **Kira:** Why is he here?

 

 **Jack:** because the author put me in the club. theres nothing you can do to change this.

 

 **drunk.boss.exe:** WELCOME TO OUR WORLD OF GLOURIOUS ASSES! PREPARE YOUR OWN FOR THE HAZING

 

 **Jack:**...excuse me?

 

 **MINAwatchaSAE:** hes drunk. ignore him.

  
*me too Light. Me too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started writing the chapter right as the Uprising even came out. The event is over. 
> 
> BUT the Nexus challenge 2.0 is going on.
> 
> ...so yeah that's what I've been doing for almost a month...


	4. Seriously WTF Does Special Boys Mean?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The physical exam is somewhere in the chapter. You have to look really hard for it though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After close to three months of this being in my planning document I finally remember it and upload.

Light awoke to her phone’s spazztic buzzing in a less than pleasant mood. It was too damn early for anyone’s shit, especially if it was the host club.

 

Sadly to say, it was the club.

 

**[We Da Host BOIIIIZ]**

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** MEN IYS TOME TO WAKE UP! 

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** DONT FORGET WE ARE GOING TO BE WEARING THE KIMONOS I FORCED KYOYA TO BUY TO APOLOGIZE FOR SPREAFING LIES ABOUT ME BEING DRUNK.

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** and we will be hosting outside.

 

**Twin 1:** we know.

 

**Twin 2:** We Decided This A While Ago And You Reminded Us Yesterday 

 

**cake.child.exe:** wHy DiD yOu ThInK iT wAs A gOoD iDeA tO WaKe Us Up?

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** I DIDNT WANT YOU TO FORGET…

 

**Kira:** Tamaki you could have reminded us at school.

 

**Kira:** But  _ wait  _ you can't. That would require being considerate and  _ not  _ waking us up at the ungodly hours of the morning.

 

**Kira:** And it'd put much more effort on you that you're not willing to use on something that isn't your looks or females.

 

**cake.child.exe:** Put your sass away Kyoya. No one wants your shit.

 

**sunshine:** can you all stop?

 

**Kira:** Oh I'd  _ love  _ to, senpai. But this  **mOROn** started it.

 

**MINAwatchaSAE:** shut the ever loving fuck up or i’ll drop kick all of your dumb asses.

 

**cake.child.exe:** try me BiTcH

 

**MINAwatchaSAE:** stfu pedobait.

 

**cake.child.exe:** I'll WhOoP uR aSs

 

**MINAwatchaSAE:** gl trying to get that high :3333333

 

**sunshine:** light stfu

 

**MINAwatchaSAE:** fuck u

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** THIS WAS A MISTAKE

 

**drunk.boss.exe** has closed the chat

 

“Fuck this shitty club.” Light grumbled, slamming her phone on the dresser. She immediately fell back asleep.

 

-

 

“You look terrible.” Penny said to Light. The half awake Light flipped her off in response.

 

“Let me guess. The host nerds?” Penny asked, though it sounded a lot more like a statement.

 

Light’s affirmative grunt was enough of a response for Penny.

 

“Why don’t you just quit?” Penny asked.

 

Light shrugged, glancing towards the fourth wall. The author grins madly, at her, then starts madly typing away at her computer again, probably planning something horrible in the near future for them all.

 

“I dunno Light. I like them a loooot. Especially Mori. Oh wait. You turned him into a roomba.” Tatania said, bouncing over to the other two girls, glaring slightly when she got to the topic of Mori. Light gestured to the coatrack Hunny was carrying around with him, aka  _ The New Mori _ .

 

“THAT’S NOT MORI!” Tatania screeched.

 

The okay fingers were given. No further questions asked or answered.  _ The New Mori  _ is equally as respected as the old Mori. No one respected him. Except that Mafia dude but were not there yet.

 

**[Kyoya the dickweed]**

 

**Kyoya the dickweed:** Please change my screen name to something appropriate, Minasae-san.

 

**Light_Minasae:** no. fuk u.

 

**Kyoya the dickweed:** Don’t use foul language at me. I have a private police force and can destroy your family.

 

**Light_Minasae:** u wants takami to drestroy ur ash

 

**Kyoya the dickweed:** ...Excuse me?

 

**Light_Minasae:** u herd me, bich.

 

**Kyoya the dickweed:** Wait...you’re not even using your phone. How are you talking to me?

 

**Light_Minasae:** ahorita regreso.

 

Needless to say, Kyoya was shook about that for the rest of the day.

 

-

 

Light sat cross legged on the ground, staring into the void, trying to ignore the antics of the other club members. The whole Hikaru and Kaoru incest act was extremely uncomfortable, Tamaki was overly dramatic, Kyoya was an insufferable prick and Hunny talked to a roomba that she pretended was Mori. There were a lot of things wrong with the situation.

 

“Light….are you okay?” asked one of the guests.

 

“Life is meaningless. We all die eventually.” Light replied, monotonously.

 

To say the guests were off put would be an understatement. Sometimes they couldn't really tell if Light was joking or not, was it sarcasm or seriousness?

 

“Can you  **light** en up?” Jack asked, sitting down beside her.

 

A couple of giggles had to be stifled at that pun (that definitely doesn't translate over to Japanese but for my English ass’s sake pretend it does.). By Light’s expression she was not amused. She turned her head to Jack, shaking it in disappointment.

 

“You're going to be demoted any time now.” she deadpanned.

 

“Ow. My soul.” Jack gasped. Light blinked slowly, before turning away from him. Clearly she wanted none of his shit right now. Or anyone’s shit really. 

 

Some time later Tamaki spewed some bullshit about Haruhi to Kyoya, much to everyone in close proximity’s dismay. His obsession with Haruhi was already getting out of hand for being only four chapters in.

 

The twins ended Haruhi’s pain by starting a new kind of pain. She wished the gods would strike her. They did not.

 

Feeling unloved and lonely, Tamaki scuttled like a crab over to Light and Jack, who were discussing nothing of importance to the story.

 

(Or was it?)

 

“Say, Light?” Tamaki asked.

 

Light inhaled loudly, fighting off the urge to yell “BOOOOOOOIIIIIII.” Turning to Tamaki with a hopefully neutral face she asked, “What?”

 

“What electives are you taking this semester?” Tamaki asked, not sensing her mood at all.

 

“I dunno.” Light replied, shrugging. 

 

“You don't  _ know?! _ ” Tamaki screeched.

 

“Nope.” She replied.

 

“Would you like to-”

 

“Fuck off Tamaki.” Light interrupted.

 

Tamaki finally fucking snapped at that moment. He was the king of this host club and my God was he going to finally be respected as it.

 

A chest breaking a striking resemblance to the ones from The Legend of Zelda appeared beside him, gifting to him the power of the Dragonballs. (Jk I don't even know what Dragonball actually is.)

 

“I have had it with you two! It's high time you started looking and acting like girls!” Tamaki yelled. 

 

He opened the chests, revealing a very feminine looking picture of Haruhi and a picture of Light that looked no different than she did now.

 

“Wait...that picture looks exactly like how Light-senpai looks now. Are you okay boss?” Hikaru asked.

 

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I've looked like this for the past 10 years man! Good luck trying to make me change my appearance for the likes of you!” Light yelled in the distance.

 

“And what are you getting so pressed about? Physical exams are the day after tomorrow.” Jack asked.

 

“Physical...exams?” Haruhi asked. The other host club members froze, lightning striking in the background.

 

“Well...I guess everyone’s going to know we’re girls now.” Haruhi said to Light.

 

Light shrugged. 

 

**[The Host Studs]**

 

**drunk.boss.exe** has added  **Kira, cake.child.exe, Twin 1, Twin 2, MINAwatchaSAE** and  **Jeck** to the chat

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** LIGHT WHY AM I STILL NAMED THIS HORRIBLE THING?!

 

**MINAwatchaSAE:** change it if you dont like it.

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** I CANT

 

**MINAwatchaSAE:** then  **suffer**

 

**Jeck:** why is this called the host  _ studs? _

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** BECAUSE WE’RE STUDS. DUH! EXCEPT LIHGT AND HARUHEE BECAUSE THEY’RE OUR SECRET PRINCESSES.

 

**Jeck:** ...

 

**Kira:** ...

 

**Twin 2:** ...

 

**Twin 1:** ...

 

**MINAwatchaSAE:** well.

 

**MINAwatchaSAE:** if i found my will to live in the past there it goes again.

 

**cake.child.exe:** Umm...what’s that supposed to mean.

 

**MINAwatchaSAE:** wrong number who dis?

 

**Kira:** Well. Aside from Minasae-san’s distasteful sense of humor what exactly did you drag us here for, Tamaki?

 

**MINAwatchaSAE:** i made a joke?

 

**cake.child.exe:** You're depressing as shit, Light-chan.

 

**MINAwatchaSAE:** thanks. i know.

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** WE NEED TO MAKE SURE NO ONE KNOWS HARUHEE IS A GURL

 

**Twin 1:** what about Light?

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** WHO?

 

**MINAwatchaSAE:** fuck you too, asshat.

 

**Kira:** Watch your tone, Minasae.

 

**MINAwatchaSAE:** stfu weeb.

 

**Jeck:** this was a mistake.

 

**Jeck:** just tell us your fucking plan.

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** WE’RE GOING TO DRESS UP AS THEM. DUH. NO ONE WILL NOTICE.

 

**Jeck:** somehow i doubt that…

 

**Twin 2:** It's A Perfect Plan. Fool Proof.

 

**MINAwatchaSAE:** end my suffering...please.

 

**Jeck:** i believe in you <3

 

**MINAwatchaSAE:** lol bye.

 

**MINAwatchaSAE** has left the chat.

 

**Jeck:** haaaaaaaaaaah

 

**Kira:** I’ll never understand Canadians.

 

**Jeck:** lol

 

**Jeck:** ggez

 

**Kira:** What does that even mean.

 

Everyone but  **Kira** has left the chat

 

**Kira:** ...What?

  
  


AN: I forget where this was going…

 

**The Day of Physical Exams**

 

[ **Kyoya the Dickweed]**

 

**Light_Minasae:** for reference, im dead today.

 

**Kyoya the Dickweed:** What are you talking about?

 

**Light_Minasae:** just some bull i need to deal with so i dont feel like coming today. pretend im dead for all i care.

 

**Light_Minasae:** also because focusing on haruhi should be more important.

 

**Kyoya the Dickweed:** ...Are you alright?

 

**Light_Minasae:** lol yee. im actually just trying to make your job easier by not being at physical exams. you know cuz im a girl.

 

**Kyoya the Dickweed:** All...right…

 

**Light_Minasae:** you sound unconvinced.

 

**Kyoya the Dickweed:** You want us to pretend you are dead. That is a concerning statement.

 

**Light_Minasae:** i have a really bad sense of humour remember. don't worry about it man.

 

**Light_Minasae:** also aren't you in class?

 

“What are you doing, Kyoya?” asked Tamaki.

 

Kyoya slammed his phone onto his desk with way too much force than necessary.

 

“Nothing.” he said, too quickly and suspiciously.

 

Tamaki slowly turned away from his best friend with a finger on his chin. “Suspicious.” he whispered to himself. Tamaki would have to interrogate him later.

 

The teacher started at the two, very close to shaking her head. Why the hell was she dealing with this shit? She wasn't paid enough.

 

Tatania looked at Kyoya’s phone and snickered loudly. “And you were giving Haruhi shit for having a flip phone.” she said.

 

It took Kyoya all the strength he had to not scream.

 

Half an hour passed agonizingly slow. Kyoya didn't even notice until Tamaki stood up suddenly, yelling, “Code Blackbird Alpha! Go! Go! Go!” 

 

Tamaki ran of of the room with something that sounded like a horrible mix of a war cry and girly singing. The teacher was watching him again. She turned towards Kyoya looking at him expectantly.

 

He sighed, feeling so much pain in his soul, slowly following Tamaki.

 

The teacher sat down in her desk pulling out a bottle of Tylenol and a bottle of ‘water’. She definitely wasn't paid enough for this shit.

 

-

 

Haruhi was so fucking done with this school. Whenever rich people called something normal she should just set herself up for something so over the top and stupid it should belong in some shitty fanfiction. On what planet did  _ this  _ constitute as normal?

 

Looking to her left she saw Hunny in a doctor’s outfit. Jack was standing beside him in his normal school uniform trying to keep a happy expression on his face. Key word: trying.

 

She soon noticed Tamaki and Kyoya, the latter explaining the plan the host club made up to conceal her identity. 

 

She was fully aware that Mori was a roomba and not joining them anymore but the fact that Light wasn't present was a bit of a surprise. Knowing Tamaki he would have dragged Light to the physical exam room without listening to her protests.

 

“What happened to her?” Haruhi asked Kyoya.

 

“Who?” Kyoya asked. Haruhi was too fucking vague sometimes.

 

“Light-senpai.” Haruhi deadpanned. Why was he so dense today?

 

“She wants us to pretend she's ‘dead’ for the day.” Kyoya replied, air quoting dead.

 

Haruhi made no further comments on the matter, more concerned about why the twins were undressing in front of everyone and why Tamaki was touching her from behind.

 

“I’ll protect your secret, my princess.” Tamaki whispered, removing his shirt.

 

“Stop…” Haruhi said, to no avail.

 

Tamaki put on a brown wig, pulling back the curtains.

 

“Yes. I am Haruhi Fujioka. Look at me and my poorness.” Tamaki said.

 

Needless to say, Tamaki’s plan did not work. A horrible mess was left for the doctors, some students were found dead (only to be redirected later.) And Haruhi was even more pissed than before.

 

Haruhi glared at Kyoya. “Do you dingleberries have a better idea than this?” 

 

She coughed afterwards, pretending nothing happened.

 

“Yes…” Kyoya replied, confused and slightly turned on. “I actually set up a special clinic for someone in your predicament.” 

 

“Yeah the doctors here actually work for Kyoya-senpai’s family’s hospitals. Who knew.” Hikaru said.

 

Haruhi had to fight off the urge to yell fuck you at the club. Clearly she had been listening to Light way too much and had to tone it down. It was ruining her original character. 

 

Whoops.

 

“Fine. Let's go.” Haruhi grumbled.

 

-Meanwhile-

 

“You'll never take me alive!!” Light yelled, from on top of a bookshelf. 

 

Penny and Ally stared up at Light, Ally extremely amused and planning on turning it into a fanfiction while Penny was fucking done with Light’s shit.

 

“I'm going to fucking push this bookcase over. How did you even get up there?” Penny asked.

 

“With a will of iron! And my arms and legs.” Light yelled.

 

“I'm pushing the bookcase over. Ally help me.” Penny said.

 

Ally was too busy taking a video for tumblr. This was an opportunity that couldn't be wasted. It was going to be titled: Local Idiot Refuses to Go to Physical Exam.

 

So Penny settled for attempting to shake Light down. She grabbed hold of the bookshelf and began shaking. Light cackled and jumped to the next bookshelf.

 

“Haha! I knew wanting to be a ninja when I got older was going to help one day!” Light yelled, using the other bookshelves as an escape route. Penny growled and began chasing Light on the ground.

 

Light continued to jump from the bookshelves until she noticed an open window.

 

“You'll never win Penny! I'm not going through with the host club’s plan!” Light said, moving towards the window.

 

Penny looked towards the window then back at Light. She shook her head disappointed. “I hope you break your legs jumping out of the window.” she deadpanned.

 

“FUCK YOU HOST CLUB!” Light yelled jumping out of the window. 

 

Ally walked over to the window, looking down towards the ground. Miraculously Light landed without breaking any bones...or dying. Light took off running away from the school, probably yelling something about freedom.

 

“What the FUCK?!” Penny yelled. She had no idea what Light was anymore. Clearly she was something above human. A cyborg maybe? Or just an extremely determined idiot. The most likely scenario was the latter.

 

-

 

“Is..is that Light-chan?” Hunny asked, noticing something falling (AN: *jumping) out of one of the libraries windows.

 

“What?!” Tamaki yelled, pressing his face up to the glass. He watched as Light plummeted towards the ground...then landed and began running like nothing happened.

 

“I thought she just didn't come to school?” Kaoru said confused.

 

The rest of the club looked at Jack for answers. He pinched the bridge of his nose, mumbling in English about her strange decisions. The author didn't have answers either.

 

“Wait if she was at school why wasn't she in class?” Tamaki asked.

 

“From what I heard she's been taking refuge in the library all day. Something about a ceiling, demon summoning and books. I don't know, man.” Jack replied.

 

Everyone decided to just ignore the demon summoning part.

 

Before they could question Light’s actions further, someone screamed. (Spoiler it wasn't Kyoya. Wait wrong fanfiction.) One of the female students was telling one of the doctors about some pervert doctor on the loose. All the other females surrounding the girl gasped.

 

“He's heading towards the special boys clinic. Whatever that means.” the girl said.

 

The host club, minus Jack gasped. Haruhi was there. They ran off, leaving Jack standing where he was. Vanessa walked up to him with a confused look on her face.

 

“What's their deal?” she asked.

 

“Light jumped out of a window and some Doctor is going to the special boys clinic. Basically normal host club stuff.” Jack replied.

 

Vanessa blinked a couple time trying to fathom how Jack could be so calm.

 

“Your girlfriend jumped out of a window and all you're saying is normal host club stuff?” Vanessa asked.

 

“She's not my girlfriend. You would know since you're always calling us gross.” Jack said.

 

“Just because I call you gross doesn't mean shit, bro.” Vanessa said, popping a piece of bubblegum in her mouth.

 

Jack rolled his eyes and began walking towards the special boys clinic. He had to pretend he cared about the host club. Even if they were a bunch of idiots.

 

He pulled out his phone and began texting Light while walking.

 

**[Lightimoo]**

 

**Jackiebean:** why tf did you jump out of a window?

 

**Lightimoo:** for fun. duh. 

 

**Lightimoo:** lol jk i made my great escape from Penny and Ally. 

 

**Jackiebean:** you could have died. or at least seriously injured yourself.

 

**Lightimoo:** dude i wanted to be a ninja as a kid. i know what im doing. 

 

**Jackiebean:** lol. ninjaaaaa

 

**Lightimoo:** fuck yeah, sunshine! im the coolest fake ninja ever. 

 

**Jackiebean:** btw the host club saw you jump out of the window too.

 

**Lightimoo:** lol really? 

 

**Jackiebean:** yeah and now we're off on a mission to make sure Haruhi isn't murdered by some ‘pervert’ doctor.

 

**Lightimoo:** oooooh! sounds fun! 

 

**Lightimoo:** 10 bucks says he's just in the wrong school.

 

**Jackiebean:** I'll accept the bet on behalf of the host club.

 

**Lightimoo:** hahaha! nice!

 

**Lightimoo:** also do you think I can climb up a wall? I kinda want to see this.

 

**Jackiebean:** please just use the stairs, Lightimoo.

 

**Lightimoo:** no.

 

**Jackiebean:** don't climb the wall.

 

**Lightimoo:** oops.

 

**Jackiebean:** what do you mean oops?

 

**Jackiebean:** LIGHT?!

 

When Jack arrived at the Special Boys Clinic he found a doctor lying in the ground, Haruhi standing in awe and the host club making dramatic poses while reciting something that made Jack think of Team Rocket. They all turned toward Jack, suddenly looking way less majestic than before.

 

“You in the wrong school?” Jack asked.

 

“My daughter goes to Ouran public school. I wanted to visit her after her and my wife left me for some unknown reason to me.” the doctor said.

 

“Ha! The host club owes Light to bucks!” Jack laughed.

 

Kyoya cleaners his throat, turning back to the doctor. “This is Ouran Academy. A private institute.” he said.

 

The doctor was handed a map to the right school sometime later and was off to see his daughter again. Though it's unlikely she actually wants to see him. There's nothing wrong with holding onto hope though.

 

“And everything turned out well in the end!” Light said, scaring about half of the host club by her sudden appearance.

 

“Please tell me you didn't climb up a wall.” Jack deadpanned.

 

Light said nothing. Jack sighed, pinching his nose again, hearing Light’s snickers.

 

“Nah I used the stairs like a regular person.” she said.

 

Jack’s expression did not get any more amused.

 

“Can I finish my physical exam now?” Haruhi asked loudly.

 

“Of course.” the doctor said.

 

Light sighed in relief.

 

“Then we can do Minasae-san’s.” the doctor finished.

 

“You’ll never take me alive!” Light screamed, making a break for the closest open window.

 

The doctor decided not to ask about it, and that Minasae wasn't worth taking up more time to do a physical exam on.

 

[ **The Host Club]**

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** I THONK TODAY WAS A SUCCESSFUL DAY! 

 

**Haruhi_Fudgeyokra:** Don't talk to me ever again.

 

**MINAwatchaSAE:** wait what happened?

 

**Twin 1:** Tamaki-senpai is the real pervert here.

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** NO IM NOT!

 

**Kira:** Can you please stop jumping out of windows, Minasae-san?

 

**MINAwatchaSAE:** haha nope! it's my lifelong purpose. also it got me out of doing a physical exam.

 

**Kira:** Yes but the doctor is trying to find a psychologist for you as we speak.

 

**MINAwatchaSAE:** worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What exactly am I thinking? I don't know.


	5. Not All Hollywood Movies Are Winners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new challenger approaches. And she's making her Citizen Kane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was way too rambly. I apologize in advance.

A young girl sits in her dark bedroom playing a dating simulator. There are posters, toys and various other things for the game scattered around the girl’s room. 

 

She clutches the controller harder, the dating sim was getting intense (even though this was probably her fifth play through of the game.)

 

A man opens the door to her room, allowing light to pour in from the hallway.

 

“Renge. I have returned from Japan.” the man says.

 

“Not now father. I'm in the zone.” the girl replied.

 

“It's important.” the man says.

 

The girl groans and follows her father to a different room. He talks about business in Japan (not anything terribly exciting to the girl). Her father pulls out a picture of the family he made business with and the girl freezes. The boy in the picture…

 

“It's him…” the girl whispers.

 

“I’m going to marry this boy! OFFTOJAPANBYE!” she yells. She runs back into her room packing her bags and runs off to a private jet. She's on her way to Japan.

 

-

 

The host club are wearing kimonos. Why? Tamaki felt like it. Haruhi’s looked way too girly for someone trying to conceal their identity. She'd asked why she couldn't just have the same one as Light but received no specific answer as to why her’s was the only girly one.

 

Haruhi also noticed how everyone was unnaturally emotional today. Specifically saying, why most of the host club was crying over silly things. Jack and Light gave Haruhi a confused shrug earlier in the session and Kyoya was going to be no help at all.

 

Speaking of her fellow female, Light looked unusually tired. Like she always looked tired, but she seemed more tired than usual. Practically everyone noticed, but no one really had the courage to ask why. Jack didn't seem too worried about it either so they left it as it was.

 

“Haru-chan.” Hunny said, looking up at her on the brink of tears.

 

“What's wrong senpai?” Haruhi asked.

 

“I lost my sandal. Can you help me find it?” he asked.

 

Nini walked up to him before Haruhi could answer. She was holding a sandal (the one that probably belonged to him). “I believe this is yours. Vanessa says she saw you put it in my bag.” she said.

 

“N-no I didn't.” Hunny said, starting to sidle away.

 

“Wanna eat cake?” she asked.

 

Immediately the two short third years ran back to Hunny’s table and began to eat an ungodly amount of cake. Out of the corner of her eye, Vanessa saw Hunny glaring at her.

 

“How are they crying so easily?” Haruhi asked herself, walking straight into one of the twins. (Tbh I don't really care about which one I can't watch this episode for the life of me...or most of them really.)

 

A bottle of eye drops fell onto the floor. That is how they cry so easily Haruhi. By cheating. The host club will never admit that, but deep down they know what they're doing is cheap. (Not really the eye drops are expensive eye drops.)

 

The twins explain why they use them, not that Haruhi particularly cares. 

 

To distract her from the eye drops the twins start producing candy(?) from their sleeves. Haruhi decided to host it up, explaining to the girls it would be for her mother’s memorial. Tamaki goes off on a tangent (the girls leaving sometime in between.)

 

Looking off into the distance, Haruhi noticed a girl spying on them from behind a wall. When Tamaki noticed Haruhi wasn't telling him to piss off, he stared forward too.

 

The girl knows she's been spotted.

 

“Run while you can.” Light yelled. However her warning was gone unnoticed, having yelled in English rather than French or Japanese. 

 

“Ignore whatever my associate said. Welcome to the host club, my princess.” Tamaki said, pushing the twins out of his way.

 

There was also some romantic mumbo jumbo in there but I'm too tired to really care about it. 

 

As he offered her a rose, the girl slapped Tamaki in the face. She shouted some insults, surprising most of the club. Tamaki fell, feeling shame and rejection in his soul.

 

“That's not something you see every day.” Jack said.

 

“Kyoya!! It's you my Prince Charming!” the girl screeched, latching herself into Kyoya.

 

Light was extremely tired before, but at this scene she burst out laughing. Her energy definitely came back.

 

[ **Noodles - why do we still use this?]**

 

**Soba:** HELP ME IM DYING! I CANT FUCKKNG BREATHE!!!

 

**Udon:** Ane are you okay?

 

**Soba:** THIS SHITS FUCKING HILARIOUS. GOD I WISH YOU WERE HERE AND OLD ENOUGH TO SEE THIS!!

 

**Udon:** Um...do I want to know?

 

**Soba:** i’ll tell you later. holy shit this is amazing. 

 

**Udon:** You're so weird…

 

**Soba:** ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ lol oops!

 

“So you're Kyoya’s fiancé?” the twins asked.

 

“Yes. And I definitely did not decide this because I think he looks like a video game character. I'm Renge Hoshakuji and I'm transferring to class 1 A tomorrow.” Renge replied.

 

“I wouldn't judge if you just said that because of video game characters.” Light said.

 

The host club and Renge gave her a questioning look. Not that Renge really should be judging she literally wanted to marry Kyoya because he looked like her favourite character from a dating sim.

 

“Lucio?” Jack asked.

 

“Awwwwwwww Yeeeeeee!!” Light replied. The two Canadians high-fived.

 

“Well I'm going to ignore that because I don't know what a Lucio is. Let me tell you about things that Kyoya did that definitely wasn't from Uki Doki Memorial.” Renge said.

 

A collective bunch of loud gasps resounded through the room. Not all of them were for the same reason. Light and Jack were shocked that someone who was into video games didn't know what Overwatch was, while the rest of the host club.

 

“IT’S AN OTAKU!! RUN!!!” the twins screamed.

 

Tatania popped out of nowhere asking, “What about me?”

 

“FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME YOU’RE A WEEB!” Light yelled.

 

“So,” Kyoya said, clearing his throat, “You’re in love with the video game character that bears a resemblance to me and now you’re projecting those feelings onto me. Interesting.” 

 

“Wait so you’re not her fiance?” Tamaki asked, appearing behind Kyoya from the floor.

 

“I’ve never even met her Tamaki. How could I possibly be her fiance?” Kyoya replied.

 

Renge, ignoring every conversation the other host club members were having, started asking questions about the club. She seemed to want to deem herself defacto manager of the club, despite Kyoya being the one to do everything for the club anyways. The twins weren’t to keen on the idea, however since Kyoya was all about ‘being nice and shit to the girl who’s going to glue herself to me over a resemblance to a video game character’, the others had to agree.

 

While this was taking place, Haruhi crept over to Light and Jack, who were watching some cartoon Haruhi had never seen on Light’s laptop. For a moment, Haruhi watched, as a presumably old man in a lab coat dragged a young brunet boy on the ground and started ranting about something. Haruhi couldn’t hear a words of it, and assumed she wouldn’t even understand it if she had actually been listening. This was an American cartoon.

 

Glancing over, Light saw the first year, standing there, and took of one of her headphones.

 

“Yo. What’s up?” Light asked.

 

“The host club is acting crazy again. The Renge girl wants to be our manager. I wanted some kind of normal behaviour. What are you up to?” Haruhi asked.

 

“Jack was introducing me to this cartoon he watches all the time. It’s kinda funny, but not entirely my thing.” Light replied, gesturing to her laptop.

 

“Oh. Okay.” Haruhi said.

 

After a moment Haruhi asked, “Are you okay Light-senpai? You look really tired.” 

 

“Yeah. I was just up all night talking to someone.” Light replied.

 

“Who were you talking to?” asked Haruhi.

 

“You’ll probably meet ‘em three chapters from now. Not too important.” Light replied, turning to the readers like she was in the Office.

 

Haruhi looked towards where Light was looking, seeing nothing there. She didn’t bother asking what Light was looking at. She didn’t want to know.

  
  


\-  Some Asinine Time Later -

 

“What have I done?” Light whispered staring at her laptop. The credits for the cartoon she was watching earlier rolled by. If anyone had bothered to check the time they would have seen that it was currently 3:30 in the morning.

 

Looking at her phone she could see hundreds of messages from her own horseshit group chat, and the host club’s chat. She didn’t have the energy to look at them all. Nor did she really want to in the first place.

 

Instead she opened both chats and deleted all the messages. Whatever it wasn probably wasn’t important.

 

\-  Technically later that day -

 

“Kyoya I made you cookies!!” Renge sang, bursting into the music room. 

 

“Don’t you mean baked  _ us _ some cookies?” Tamaki asked from the corner.

 

“Nope! Just Kyoya, but all the other members excluding you can eat one anyways.” Renge sang, skipping over to Kyoya.

 

“Sorry they’re a bit burnt. Usually I get someone else to bake for me.” she said, offering the basket to him and the other members standing nearby.

 

Renge began daydreaming about things Kyoya (Miyabi) would say about her effort as some of the club members take the cookies. They were burnt. Very burnt. If someone had offered them charcoal and one of these cookies, no one would be about to tell the difference.

 

No one had the courage to tell her.

 

A cookie was shoved in Light’s face. She looked up, seeing Kyoya standing there, looking away.

 

“What’s your game, Ootori? Using me as a human sacrifice to pretend you actually ate one of these cookies?” Light asked, throwing her legs up on the table, much to Kyoya’s disapproval.

 

“You haven’t eaten today, Minasae-san.” Kyoya simply, said.

 

“I never eat at school. What’s your point?” Light asked.

 

“Eat the cookie.” Kyoya sighed.

 

Light took the cookie slowly, with a suspicious look on her face. When Kyoya turned around and walked away she threw it across the room into the trash bin. Kobe was pleased, despite not actually being there.

 

“Lukewarm.” Renge said, in the midst of some host club horseshit.

 

“What?” Hunny asked.

 

“All of your characters, except Kyoya, are lukewarm. Even the hipster over there. I know you’re not actually a hipster. You need to have a dark side, girls love that. You understand? Girls are vulnerable to handsome young men who are troubled. If you keep carrying on like this, it's only a matter of time before the girls get tired of you and stop coming all together. Are you trying to ruin my precious Kyoya's business? As your manager, it's my duty to change your character backgrounds.” Renge said.

 

“Oh boy. I’m so excited. As if my origin story isn’t dark enough already.” Light sarcastically said.

 

“I saw you throw that cookie. I’m onto you.” Renge hissed.

 

Kyoya sent a glare over to Light, who shrugged.

 

“I’ll start with you.” Renge said, pointing to Hunny. “You’re all cute and cake, nothing else That’s boring. From now on you’re the baby-faced, coked up drug dealer!” Renge yelled.

 

Someone coughed. It didn’t come from the room. Looking towards the fourth wall you could see the author, sobbing uncontrollably because she referenced Ouran Highschool Mafia again. Why? Who the fuck knows. 

 

“The twins are basketball players trapped in their own world. They also have an obsession with being like Jaime and Cersei from Game of Thrones.” Renge said.

 

A single tear rolled down the face of someone who looked like Ally. It was Can_o_tuna_Balism here to make a cameo. 

 

“Haruhi is an honor student who’s eternally tormented by bullies.” Renge continued.

 

“You’re the lonely prince.” Renge deadpanned when she got to Tamaki.

 

Renge turned to Light and Jack, who’d entered the room sometime during Renge’s changing of character. She studied them both, getting minimal material to work with in the case of Jack. 

 

“You,” Renge said when she pointed at Light. “You’re the genius who downplays their abilities and wastes their time with terrible hobbies in attempt to cope with your uncontrollable self-loathing.” 

 

The host club froze. What would Light retaliate with? She always had something sarcastic to say when it came to the host club, and what Renge was saying was pretty harsh.

 

They were surprised when Light turned her head to Jack and said, “Sounds fine to me.” 

 

“And you’re their idiot best friend who they keep around to make themself feel better.” Renge said, pointing to Jack.

 

Light face fell flat. “And there it is.” she whispered.

 

“Kyoya’s fine the way his is.” Renge said, skipping over to him, giving him the sugariest look she could possibly muster.

 

“Crazy bitch.” Light muttered.

 

“Are we actually going to do this?” Haruhi asked.

 

Tamaki was asking Renge about his acting, doing dramatic poses and trying to be lonely ‘princely’. Kyoya wanted to humor the girl for a while, not too far though. Light seemed to be getting closer to what one may call ‘murderous’ the more Renge spoke. He’d ask her about it later.

 

**[The Host Studs]**

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** WHOS CXEITSED FOR WHATEVER HAPPENS NEXT

 

**Twin 1:** literally no one.

 

**cake.child.exe:** I don’t like being a thug. I quit karate because it wasn’t cute.

 

**Twin 2:** Your Origin STory Comes Later, Senpai.

 

**Haruhi_Fudgeyokra:** Wait Hunny-senpai did karate?

 

**Twin 2:** See Look At What You Did.

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** THOSE OHW EAR EXSISTED SAY O

 

**drunk.boss.exe: *** I

**L̢̨͉͔͈̖̳̤̩͛͌̀͒͢i̶̢̛͙̫͍̰͎̯̒̆̐̋́̀͘͡͡g̛̼͙̲͕͚͕̤̔̔̿́̍̌͢͡ͅh̷̙͈̲͛̿͗͂͆̂̚͜ͅṯ̶̯̭͓̤̙̗̆̃͌͒͢_̨̯̪̭̓̌͗̔̑͒̅̔͢M̴͓̙̼̝͈̘̻̭͐͆̇͆̍͘͠i͙̘̝̯͕̫̭̰̞͌͋̽̈̃͘ͅń̛̫͔̩̟̽́̔͐̕͘͜͞a̢͙̞̞̪̬͖̣͆͆̒͘͟s̭͈̘̺̱͊͋͊̂̓̽͘͞͞ͅà̧̧̺͔̦͂̋͌͘͝e̸̫͔̼̖̜͓͚͓͂͂͊̓͑͋̓̾͝:** give me a gun. ill shoot myself.

 

**cake.child.exe:** Light-chan you’re really not joking today are you?

 

**L̢̨͉͔͈̖̳̤̩͛͌̀͒͢i̶̢̛͙̫͍̰͎̯̒̆̐̋́̀͘͡͡g̛̼͙̲͕͚͕̤̔̔̿́̍̌͢͡ͅh̷̙͈̲͛̿͗͂͆̂̚͜ͅṯ̶̯̭͓̤̙̗̆̃͌͒͢_̨̯̪̭̓̌͗̔̑͒̅̔͢M̴͓̙̼̝͈̘̻̭͐͆̇͆̍͘͠i͙̘̝̯͕̫̭̰̞͌͋̽̈̃͘ͅń̛̫͔̩̟̽́̔͐̕͘͜͞a̢͙̞̞̪̬͖̣͆͆̒͘͟s̭͈̘̺̱͊͋͊̂̓̽͘͞͞ͅà̧̧̺͔̦͂̋͌͘͝e̸̫͔̼̖̜͓͚͓͂͂͊̓͑͋̓̾͝** : lol nope.

  
  


**Twin 1:** wtf happened to your name?

 

**L̢̨͉͔͈̖̳̤̩͛͌̀͒͢i̶̢̛͙̫͍̰͎̯̒̆̐̋́̀͘͡͡g̛̼͙̲͕͚͕̤̔̔̿́̍̌͢͡ͅh̷̙͈̲͛̿͗͂͆̂̚͜ͅṯ̶̯̭͓̤̙̗̆̃͌͒͢_̨̯̪̭̓̌͗̔̑͒̅̔͢M̴͓̙̼̝͈̘̻̭͐͆̇͆̍͘͠i͙̘̝̯͕̫̭̰̞͌͋̽̈̃͘ͅń̛̫͔̩̟̽́̔͐̕͘͜͞a̢͙̞̞̪̬͖̣͆͆̒͘͟s̭͈̘̺̱͊͋͊̂̓̽͘͞͞ͅà̧̧̺͔̦͂̋͌͘͝e̸̫͔̼̖̜͓͚͓͂͂͊̓͑͋̓̾͝** : nothing. what are you talking about?

 

**Twin 2:** Hikaru’s Right. It Looks Creepy.

 

**L̢̨͉͔͈̖̳̤̩͛͌̀͒͢i̶̢̛͙̫͍̰͎̯̒̆̐̋́̀͘͡͡g̛̼͙̲͕͚͕̤̔̔̿́̍̌͢͡ͅh̷̙͈̲͛̿͗͂͆̂̚͜ͅṯ̶̯̭͓̤̙̗̆̃͌͒͢_̨̯̪̭̓̌͗̔̑͒̅̔͢M̴͓̙̼̝͈̘̻̭͐͆̇͆̍͘͠i͙̘̝̯͕̫̭̰̞͌͋̽̈̃͘ͅń̛̫͔̩̟̽́̔͐̕͘͜͞a̢͙̞̞̪̬͖̣͆͆̒͘͟s̭͈̘̺̱͊͋͊̂̓̽͘͞͞ͅà̧̧̺͔̦͂̋͌͘͝e̸̫͔̼̖̜͓͚͓͂͂͊̓͑͋̓̾͝:** I don’t know what you meam. Looks fine to me. Maybe you’ve been hacked.

 

**sunshine™:** i’d give it a 95% chance of that being true. *insert Lenny face here*

 

**L̢̨͉͔͈̖̳̤̩͛͌̀͒͢i̶̢̛͙̫͍̰͎̯̒̆̐̋́̀͘͡͡g̛̼͙̲͕͚͕̤̔̔̿́̍̌͢͡ͅh̷̙͈̲͛̿͗͂͆̂̚͜ͅṯ̶̯̭͓̤̙̗̆̃͌͒͢_̨̯̪̭̓̌͗̔̑͒̅̔͢M̴͓̙̼̝͈̘̻̭͐͆̇͆̍͘͠i͙̘̝̯͕̫̭̰̞͌͋̽̈̃͘ͅń̛̫͔̩̟̽́̔͐̕͘͜͞a̢͙̞̞̪̬͖̣͆͆̒͘͟s̭͈̘̺̱͊͋͊̂̓̽͘͞͞ͅà̧̧̺͔̦͂̋͌͘͝e̸̫͔̼̖̜͓͚͓͂͂͊̓͑͋̓̾͝:** >:3

 

**Haruhi_Fudgeyokra:** What are we going to do about Renge? Kyoya-senpai, just because she’s the daughter of some person your father works with doesn’t mean we have to pander to her every request.

 

**L̢̨͉͔͈̖̳̤̩͛͌̀͒͢i̶̢̛͙̫͍̰͎̯̒̆̐̋́̀͘͡͡g̛̼͙̲͕͚͕̤̔̔̿́̍̌͢͡ͅh̷̙͈̲͛̿͗͂͆̂̚͜ͅṯ̶̯̭͓̤̙̗̆̃͌͒͢_̨̯̪̭̓̌͗̔̑͒̅̔͢M̴͓̙̼̝͈̘̻̭͐͆̇͆̍͘͠i͙̘̝̯͕̫̭̰̞͌͋̽̈̃͘ͅń̛̫͔̩̟̽́̔͐̕͘͜͞a̢͙̞̞̪̬͖̣͆͆̒͘͟s̭͈̘̺̱͊͋͊̂̓̽͘͞͞ͅà̧̧̺͔̦͂̋͌͘͝e̸̫͔̼̖̜͓͚͓͂͂͊̓͑͋̓̾͝:** i mean i hate her too, haruhi, but she literally walked through the host club doors. we’re stuck with her for now.

 

**Kira:** Don’t say it like that, Minasae-san. 

 

**L̢̨͉͔͈̖̳̤̩͛͌̀͒͢i̶̢̛͙̫͍̰͎̯̒̆̐̋́̀͘͡͡g̛̼͙̲͕͚͕̤̔̔̿́̍̌͢͡ͅh̷̙͈̲͛̿͗͂͆̂̚͜ͅṯ̶̯̭͓̤̙̗̆̃͌͒͢_̨̯̪̭̓̌͗̔̑͒̅̔͢M̴͓̙̼̝͈̘̻̭͐͆̇͆̍͘͠i͙̘̝̯͕̫̭̰̞͌͋̽̈̃͘ͅń̛̫͔̩̟̽́̔͐̕͘͜͞a̢͙̞̞̪̬͖̣͆͆̒͘͟s̭͈̘̺̱͊͋͊̂̓̽͘͞͞ͅà̧̧̺͔̦͂̋͌͘͝e̸̫͔̼̖̜͓͚͓͂͂͊̓͑͋̓̾͝:** shes not here Kyoya. Calm your man-tits.

 

**Kira:** I could add her to the chat.

 

**L̢̨͉͔͈̖̳̤̩͛͌̀͒͢i̶̢̛͙̫͍̰͎̯̒̆̐̋́̀͘͡͡g̛̼͙̲͕͚͕̤̔̔̿́̍̌͢͡ͅh̷̙͈̲͛̿͗͂͆̂̚͜ͅṯ̶̯̭͓̤̙̗̆̃͌͒͢_̨̯̪̭̓̌͗̔̑͒̅̔͢M̴͓̙̼̝͈̘̻̭͐͆̇͆̍͘͠i͙̘̝̯͕̫̭̰̞͌͋̽̈̃͘ͅń̛̫͔̩̟̽́̔͐̕͘͜͞a̢͙̞̞̪̬͖̣͆͆̒͘͟s̭͈̘̺̱͊͋͊̂̓̽͘͞͞ͅà̧̧̺͔̦͂̋͌͘͝e̸̫͔̼̖̜͓͚͓͂͂͊̓͑͋̓̾͝:** ...yeah about that….

 

**sunshine™:** shhhhhh. only dreams now.

 

**L̢̨͉͔͈̖̳̤̩͛͌̀͒͢i̶̢̛͙̫͍̰͎̯̒̆̐̋́̀͘͡͡g̛̼͙̲͕͚͕̤̔̔̿́̍̌͢͡ͅh̷̙͈̲͛̿͗͂͆̂̚͜ͅṯ̶̯̭͓̤̙̗̆̃͌͒͢_̨̯̪̭̓̌͗̔̑͒̅̔͢M̴͓̙̼̝͈̘̻̭͐͆̇͆̍͘͠i͙̘̝̯͕̫̭̰̞͌͋̽̈̃͘ͅń̛̫͔̩̟̽́̔͐̕͘͜͞a̢͙̞̞̪̬͖̣͆͆̒͘͟s̭͈̘̺̱͊͋͊̂̓̽͘͞͞ͅà̧̧̺͔̦͂̋͌͘͝e̸̫͔̼̖̜͓͚͓͂͂͊̓͑͋̓̾͝:** ...what?

 

**sunshine™:** what?

 

**Kira:** What have you done this time?

 

**L̢̨͉͔͈̖̳̤̩͛͌̀͒͢i̶̢̛͙̫͍̰͎̯̒̆̐̋́̀͘͡͡g̛̼͙̲͕͚͕̤̔̔̿́̍̌͢͡ͅh̷̙͈̲͛̿͗͂͆̂̚͜ͅṯ̶̯̭͓̤̙̗̆̃͌͒͢_̨̯̪̭̓̌͗̔̑͒̅̔͢M̴͓̙̼̝͈̘̻̭͐͆̇͆̍͘͠i͙̘̝̯͕̫̭̰̞͌͋̽̈̃͘ͅń̛̫͔̩̟̽́̔͐̕͘͜͞a̢͙̞̞̪̬͖̣͆͆̒͘͟s̭͈̘̺̱͊͋͊̂̓̽͘͞͞ͅà̧̧̺͔̦͂̋͌͘͝e̸̫͔̼̖̜͓͚͓͂͂͊̓͑͋̓̾͝:** nothing...that bad.

 

**Kira:** Minasae-san…

 

**L̢̨͉͔͈̖̳̤̩͛͌̀͒͢i̶̢̛͙̫͍̰͎̯̒̆̐̋́̀͘͡͡g̛̼͙̲͕͚͕̤̔̔̿́̍̌͢͡ͅh̷̙͈̲͛̿͗͂͆̂̚͜ͅṯ̶̯̭͓̤̙̗̆̃͌͒͢_̨̯̪̭̓̌͗̔̑͒̅̔͢M̴͓̙̼̝͈̘̻̭͐͆̇͆̍͘͠i͙̘̝̯͕̫̭̰̞͌͋̽̈̃͘ͅń̛̫͔̩̟̽́̔͐̕͘͜͞a̢͙̞̞̪̬͖̣͆͆̒͘͟s̭͈̘̺̱͊͋͊̂̓̽͘͞͞ͅà̧̧̺͔̦͂̋͌͘͝e̸̫͔̼̖̜͓͚͓͂͂͊̓͑͋̓̾͝** : uh oh. i get shoot shoot now.

  
  


**Kira:** do you think this is funny?

 

**L̢̨͉͔͈̖̳̤̩͛͌̀͒͢i̶̢̛͙̫͍̰͎̯̒̆̐̋́̀͘͡͡g̛̼͙̲͕͚͕̤̔̔̿́̍̌͢͡ͅh̷̙͈̲͛̿͗͂͆̂̚͜ͅṯ̶̯̭͓̤̙̗̆̃͌͒͢_̨̯̪̭̓̌͗̔̑͒̅̔͢M̴͓̙̼̝͈̘̻̭͐͆̇͆̍͘͠i͙̘̝̯͕̫̭̰̞͌͋̽̈̃͘ͅń̛̫͔̩̟̽́̔͐̕͘͜͞a̢͙̞̞̪̬͖̣͆͆̒͘͟s̭͈̘̺̱͊͋͊̂̓̽͘͞͞ͅà̧̧̺͔̦͂̋͌͘͝e̸̫͔̼̖̜͓͚͓͂͂͊̓͑͋̓̾͝:** actually yes. i do. now if youll excuse me i have some things to attend to.

 

**L̢̨͉͔͈̖̳̤̩͛͌̀͒͢i̶̢̛͙̫͍̰͎̯̒̆̐̋́̀͘͡͡g̛̼͙̲͕͚͕̤̔̔̿́̍̌͢͡ͅh̷̙͈̲͛̿͗͂͆̂̚͜ͅṯ̶̯̭͓̤̙̗̆̃͌͒͢_̨̯̪̭̓̌͗̔̑͒̅̔͢M̴͓̙̼̝͈̘̻̭͐͆̇͆̍͘͠i͙̘̝̯͕̫̭̰̞͌͋̽̈̃͘ͅń̛̫͔̩̟̽́̔͐̕͘͜͞a̢͙̞̞̪̬͖̣͆͆̒͘͟s̭͈̘̺̱͊͋͊̂̓̽͘͞͞ͅà̧̧̺͔̦͂̋͌͘͝e̸̫͔̼̖̜͓͚͓͂͂͊̓͑͋̓̾͝** has left the chat

 

**sunshine™:** im out too.

 

**sunshine™** has left the chat

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** BE READY FOR TOMORROW, MY FRONDS, WE WILL HVAE A WONDERFUL TIME. I JUST KNOW IT.

 

**Haruhi_Fudgeyokra:** I feel Light-senpai on a spirtual level right now.

 

**drunk.boss.exe:** HARUHI NO!!!

 

-

 

Though he never really showed it, Kyoya had limits. It was hard to get to them, but they were there. He tried his hardest to be kind to Renge. His father would have his ass on a silver platter if Kyoya did anything otherwise.

 

But he was nearing wits end.

 

Renge glued herself to him any chance she could possibly get. Which was too often for Kyoya’s liking. He didn't like being touched. He didn't like being ‘manhandled’. He didn't really like people in general. So when this female who practically had the same personality of Tamaki started invading his life at every chance, it was a little too much for him.

 

He needed to escape while he could. Renge would be looking for him. Tamaki ran off towards the twins who were ‘harassing’ Haruhi the moment he saw them, leaving Kyoya alone. There was a good chance Renge was somewhere nearby, so Kyoya didn't want to stick around and try to calm the blonde idiot down.

 

Strangely enough, his refuge was found with the last person he expected. Renge and Light really didn't seem to be on the same page with the whole issue here. Though if you really asked Kyoya he's probably tell you that he thought Light just didn't give a shit and was trying to find her own peace.

 

And Kyoya couldn't blame her. They were both really similar in the sense that they wanted their personal space. Though Light enjoyed getting on Kyoya’s nerves she was never in his actual personal space like Tamaki (and a lesser extent the twins) usually were. As crazy as it was to admit, he thought she was the most relatable host. 

 

Light had a friend group that was very hard to deal with. He could see that. When the majority of this friend group had gone to the host club, he could see she was very close to losing her temper. Actually losing her temper, not her loud sarcastic jabs she usually threw at the club. When they began coming to the club less (which Kyoya suspected had something to do with Roomba Mori) he could see she was less snappy than before.

 

“Uh. Hey...Kyoya.” Light said slowly. Her expression told him she was very confused seeing him standing there.

 

Ally and Penny had the exact same look on their faces.

 

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

 

“Do you have a problem with my presence?” Kyoya asked, pushing his glasses up his face.

 

“No I'm just...confused. Where'd Tamaki go? Aren't you usually keeping him from causing a global accident or something?” Light asked.

 

“He's currently preoccupied.” Kyoya replied.

 

“With Haruhi I guess? I hope he realizes his obsession with her is getting out of hand soon.” Light said.

 

“Agreed.” Kyoya said. 

 

His eyes shifted around for any sign of the dreaded pink bow. He slightly shuddered at the thought of Renge finding him. Not today.

 

“Are you okay?” Penny asked, clearly noticing his less than characteristic actions.

 

It took Light 0.3 seconds to realize what was happening. Her eyes widened slightly.

 

“Dude are you trying to hide from Renge?” she asked.

 

“Don't be insane, Minasae-san. Why would I do that?” Kyoya asked. His voice wavered so slightly most people wouldn't notice. The look on Light’s face told him she did.

 

Ally, Penny and Light all exchanged some sort of internal conversation. They turned back to Kyoya, an expression of pure regret falling upon Light’s face.

 

“Do you want to hang with us for a bit? I'm sure you'll be safe then.” Light asked. It sounded very forced, like she wanted him to say no. But something told Kyoya it was an act. 

 

“Hurry up before I change my mind and leave you with the parasite.” she deadpanned.

 

She pulled out her phone and began texting someone. Her fingers flew across the screen of her iPhone for a good minute. Before pocketing her phone again.

 

Moments later, Kyoya’s phone buzzed. He reached into his pocket to check it, but stopped himself when he saw Light following behind Penny and Ally. Listening closely, he heard the two blondes talking about meeting up with Jack somewhere. Deciding he'd check his phone later, he began walking after them.

 

Off in the distance, a pink bow bobbed through the crowd. 

 

-

 

There was a basketball game. The twins were playing basketball, but who knows if they really knew what they were doing. One of the twins tries to pull off a lay up. He fails. The twins falls.

 

“Kaoru!” the other twin yelled. It was Kaoru who threw the ball.

 

He lay on the ground clutching his knee.

 

“I'm not going to make it, Hikaru. But I know you can. Never forget me.” Kaoru said, trying to be like the Titanic scene.

 

An onlooker watched, with an annoyed look on their face. “Jesus fucking Christ…” they whispered.

 

The scene changed. Suddenly the twins are standing in the rain. Hikaru was having a flashback or something. Or was it Kaoru. No one really cares it's not like people can tell them apart.

 

“I’m envious of you two. I wish I had someone to support me like that.” said a voice. 

 

A spotlight shines down, lighting up Tamaki. He posed dramatically as if he were truly in pain.

 

“Why are you jealous of us? You’re the school’s idol.” Kaoru asked.

 

“Yes. I'm the school’s idol. Like those Korean singer boys who are famous around the world. Like them, I wish people wouldn't judge me on my looks. But for me on the inside.” Tamaki said.

 

Kyoya swore he heard one of the twins whisper, “Ew.” That would be cut in post production.

 

The scenery changed again. It was still raining. Haruhi ran through a yard. Someone chased her. 

 

“You can run but you can't hide.  Bitch .” it was Hunny.

 

“It's time to put you in your place…” he said, actually sounding pretty dark.

 

Tears started forming in his eyes. He was breaking.

 

“Haru-chan I'm sorry I can't do this!! At least until you wake me up at some ungodly hour of the morning. Then it's fair game.” he cried.

 

The camera cut. Renge walked over to the duo, a look of sheer disapproval on her face. 

 

“What's wrong with you? Why aren't you sticking to the script?” Renge yelled.

 

“Your script sucks.” Light said, from the corner of the room.

 

“Do you have a problem, Light-kun?” Renge hissed.

 

“Well for one, wrong fucking honorific. I usually let it slide, but you're doing it on purpose to try to anger me. Secondly, I'm being serious the script sounds like it was a terrible fanfiction written by some college age girl because she has no control over her life.” Light replied.

 

Zing at the author. 

 

Wait….

 

“May I ask why we’re even making a movie about the club? I'm pretty sure the Wolf of Wall Street is already a movie.” Light said.

 

“Inappropriate, Minasae-san.” Kyoya deadpanned.

 

“Shut the fuck up, Kyoya.” Light shot back.

 

Renge gasped, horrified. It's not like she hadn't heard Light swear before, literally it happened moments before. But god forbid anyone insult her precious Kyoya. (AN: I hate that I had to write this.)

 

“We get rolling in five. Be ready Light- _ kun _ .” Renge said, narrowing her eyes at the older girl.

 

Light have her the ‘ok’ fingers and went back to her phone.

 

-

 

“Oh wow. Look at how smart I am. Too bad I don't feel like using it efficiently.” Light said, sarcastically.

 

Renge was glaring at her from the sidelines, but waited to see what happened. This was the fourth take and Light still wasn't taking this movie seriously.

 

“Want cookies. And a 90 minute cut of Death Note.” Jack said.

 

“You better not be talking about movie. That was terrible.” Light said.

 

“Fine...but it's not what I wanted.” Jack mumbled.

 

Light pressed her mouth into a flat line, in attempt to get herself not to burst out laughing. Jack was playing the part of an idiot quite well. Death Note the movie was horrible. Speaking of which, Jack was trying really hard not to laugh too. 

 

“Welp. I'm gonna go over there and do things that are definitely not suspicious or illegal.” Light said, pointing offscreen.

 

“Oh also. I can't bring all my genius with me, so I'll leave to you my indecisive thoughts about BlackPink, my fear of people close to me dying and six years of improv classes. Remember comedy comes in threes.” she said, before bolting it off screen.

 

“Did you just Rick and Morty me?!” Jack yelled.

 

“I did, sunshine. I did.” Light called back.

 

“Cut!!!” Renge screeched.

 

Light and Jack both snorted. Renge stomped over to Light, metaphorical steam blew out of the girl’s ears. Light rolled her eyes. They rested on a disapproving Kyoya. Light stuck her tongue out at him.

 

“Why can't you stick to the script?!” Renge asked.

 

“Like I said earlier. I don't like the script. I'm making up my own as I go along.” Light replied.

 

“I don't think this is working out.” Renge said.

 

“I agree. Does that mean the movie is cancelled?” Light asked.

 

“No. I mean I don't think you belong in this club.” Renge replied.

 

A collective gasp escaped from the rest of the host club. They knew an argument was about to play out, on which side it was starting from, it was hard to say at the time. Given their knowledge of how Light views the club, they were banking their money on Renge being the one to start it.

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Light asked.

 

“You’re not host club material. You’re not sweet to anyone, so you’re not a tsundere.“ Renge began.

 

“Lies. Have you seen Light and Jack together. It gives us diabetes.” the twins retorted. Light’s hand smacked into her face (read as: glasses) at this statement. Jack began choking on his own spit.

 

“Whatever. I don’t even know how people see you as attractive. At least Tamaki literally has the face of an angel, despite his princely love being thrown around like the idiot he is. You look like you haven’t eaten in months, you have a hipster haircut and I’m pretty sure you haven’t slept since 1984.” Renge ranted.

 

Light’s expression, rather than turning angry, became one of understanding. 

 

“Oh shit...you're  _ jealous _ !” she said.

 

“What?!” Renge yelled, appalled at such an accusation.

 

“Renge, listen. I know you've been watching me hang out with Kyoya and shit for the day. I'm not an idiot, I'm not Tamaki.” Light said.

 

“Liiiiiight!” Tamaki cried.

 

“I'm going to be real with you for a moment, Renge. The Kyoya your perceiving, isn't the real one. You're projecting your image of the Miyabi guy onto him and deluding yourself into thinking that's what Kyoya’s like. Which isn't it at all.” Light said.

 

She waved her hand in Kyoya’s direction.

 

“That guy over there, isn't going to pat your head and tell you what a good job you've done like a fucking dating sim character. He's an asshole. He cares about how much money the club makes. So for lack of better terms, get your head out of your ass Renge.” Light said, crossing her arms over her chest.

 

“Kyoya?” Renge asked, turning towards the boy in question on the brink of tears.

 

HIs face held no sympathy for her, his patience had long diminished. After the conversation he had with Light earlier, he expected her to be a little different to him but no. She was just as much of a bitch as before. (Not that Kyoya would put it in those words). However what she said was mostly true. He wasn’t the Miyabi guy she thought he was. He was Kyoya Ootori the cold, Shadow King of the host club.

 

“Light-senpai’s right you know. You only really liked Kyoya for what he looked like rather than what was on the inside. It’s the personality that matters not the appearance.” Haruhi chimed in.

 

Geez was it rip on Kyoya day or something? Though Haruhi’s words weren’t meant to offend Kyoya, unlike Light’s, they were still a small stab to his pride. 

 

Renge’s revelation about how she shouldn’t be judging people was cut short. Loud buzzing bombarded the quiet room. Light pulled her phone out of her pocket, looking at it in confusion. Moments later she began to cringe.

 

“Shit. I gotta peace out.” she said, stuffing the phone back in her pocket.

 

“Is everything alright?” Tamaki asked.

 

“Ha. Never is. See ya later, dingus.” Light said, walking out of the room.

 

**[Kyoya the Dickweed]**

 

**Light_Minasae:** you’re welcome btw.

 

**Kyoya the Dickweed:** I’m starting to despise you again.

 

**Light_Minasae:** you started to like me? ha.

 

**Kyoya the Dickweed:** I don’t understand you.

 

**Light_Minasae:** aww and here i thought you could read everyone.

 

**Kyoya the Dickweed:** Why did you leave?

 

**Light_Minasae:** bcuz i didnt feel like listening to the conversation anymore. it was going nowhere.

 

**Kyoya the Dickweed:** What are you talking about? Renge was beginning to understand.

 

**Light_Minasae:** yeah but the author didnt know what to write anymore. se she ended it.

 

**Light_Minasae:** anyways. 

 

**Kyoya the Dickweed:** If Renge was the issue, Light, I’ve respectfully asked her to leave.

 

**Light_Minasae:** it wasn’t but good for you...i guess?

 

**Kyoya the Dickweed:** And she apologizes for all the trouble she’s caused, including her jealousy problem with you.

 

**Light_Minasae:** Kyoya I really don’t care. I’ll see you tomorrow in class.

 

The next day Kyoya didn’t see Light in class.


	6. The Fight Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The twins are being little shits again. Save Haruhi 2k17.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the result of writing something months ago, not uploading it and being too lazy to read it. Enjoy.

Haruhi really didn't understand the twins sometimes. She considered herself smart, and she was. After all she was at the top of her class. But that was being book smart. Being emotionally smart was something entirely different, which was why understanding the twins was hard.

 

The twins wanted to be seen as different people, she knew that, so why they constantly tricked people into thinking they were the other twin, she couldn't say. It was a mystery to her. It was a mystery to everyone really. 

 

Haruhi felt like she was the only person who could really tell them apart at times. The twins personalities were very different. Hikaru was the more mischievous one. But to her that was the only giveaway besides the hair part.

 

The reason she was debating this was the twins were playing a game. A game to see who could tell the twins apart. The ‘Which One is Hikaru’ game. Personally Haruhi thought it was really dumb, and getting a little annoying. It was pretty much the twin’s entertainment for the day.

 

Every time, even if one of the girls got it right, they were wrong. No matter the answer they were wrong. And Haruhi couldn't understand why they were doing it.

 

“It's a bit.” Light said.

 

Haruhi looked down at the older girl that pulled her out of her thoughts.

 

“They don't really care about the right or wrong answer, the point they're trying to prove is no one really knows them. Their guests are guessing which one is which. That's why they're always wrong. No one has a good reason for their answer.” Light explained, looking up from her cell phone.

 

“And I suppose you can tell which one of us is which?” the twins asked, slinking in behind Haruhi.

 

“Only if I listen to your voices. Kaoru’s is higher than Hikaru’s. If you’re silent, which I wish you’d do more often, I can’t see a difference.” Light replied.

 

“But Light-senpai, how can you tell the difference in their voices if they talk in sync?” Haruhi asked.

 

Light shrugged “Hearing aid. I can kind of hear which side their voices are coming from. It’s really trippy.” she said.

 

More of the host club’s guests were paying attention to the conversation now. It was interesting to see someone who could tell the twins apart, even moreso the reason why they could.

 

“I didn’t know you had a hearing aid, Light-chan.” Hunny said.

 

“You never asked. It wasn’t that important.” Light replied, shrugging nonchalantly.

 

“Why do you need it?” one of the guests asked.

 

“To hear.” Light deadpanned. “Why are you so surprised? I’m not about telling you everything about myself.” 

 

“It’s for that reason exactly, Light-kun.” one of the guests said.

 

Light almost outwardly cringed, remembering the whole Renge fiasco. For the most part after that, people had began to stop calling her ‘Light-kun’. Some people just forgot.

 

“I don’t do it because I’m going to be out of here by the end of the school year. I’m only on exchange there’s no chance I’ll ever see you again. You don’t need to know my life story.” Light explained.

 

The twins, utterly bored with the conversation, went off to do their own thing. Meaning, they went off to bother Tamaki. Strangely enough, he was so invested in Light’s conversation he payed no mind to their attempts at bothering him.

 

So they decided upon something else.

 

“Hey Haruhi.” they called.

 

Haruhi tuned out of Light’s conversation, turning towards the twins. She assumed nothing good was going to come out of this.

 

“Next time we have a break from school,” Hikaru said.

 

“Can we come over to your place?” Kaoru asked.

 

They ended up asking their question just as Light finished her explanation. Tamaki listened carefully to the twins, ‘worrying for the sake of his poor Haruhi’. 

 

“Why do you want to do that?” Haruhi asked.

 

“Because we’re friends and we want to see your place.” the twins replied.

 

“No. You’re just going to make fun of me.” Haruhi deadpanned. Of course they were like this.

 

“Pleaaaaase.” the twins pleaded. “No matter how much we beg you?”

“No. You’re not coming to my place.” Haruhi deadpanned.

 

Tamaki stood up, holding one hand on his chest and the other one out. Dramatic wind blew his hair around, though god knows where it was coming from.

 

“I too would like to go to your place to pay respects to your mother.” Tamaki said.

 

“Somehow even more no.” Haruhi replied.

 

Tamaki ran off to his emo corner, to cry. His Haruhi didn’t want him to come over. Why? He was nothing but a good father to her. What could possibly prevent him from coming over?

 

“Why do you care so much about going over to Haruhi’s place?” Light asked.

 

“Because, Light-senpai, Haruhi’s our toy.” the twins replied.

 

A door creaked open. Spooky music played in the room as a cloaked figure stepped out through the small crack.

 

“Toys, toys toys. If you like toys you should come down to Al’s Toy Barn...I mean the Black Magic club. If you join, we’ll even thrown in a free Beelzenef the curse doll. Just pay shipping and handling.” the figure said.

 

“Heyyyy Nekozawa-senpai. What’s good my dude?” Light called.

 

Tamaki shrieked upon hearing her words.

 

“Light!!!! How did you get involved with him?! He  _ curses  _ people!!!” he yelled.

 

“Ally’s part of the club. Originally thought it was a cult, but honestly who doesn’t with any of the clubs in this school?” Light replied.

 

“Minasae-san, it’s good to see you again. I trust you’ve been well.” Nekozawa said, inching close out of the door.

 

“Eh. As good as you can be in this club. Wanna explain why Tamaki thinks you’re cursed? Suddenly I’m dying to know.” Light asked.

 

“He IS cursed Light! Last year I accidentally stepped on his creepy cat doll and got transported to another dimension!!” Tamaki yelled.

 

“You ran into the beginning Greek exam because you were so scared.” Kyoya deadpanned.

 

“And what about when my legs turned into lead three days later, Kyoya? How do you explain that?” Tamaki yelled in Kyoya’s face.

 

“You ran a marathon the day before. My god you’re an idiot.” Kyoya whispered.

 

“Don't underestimate the powers of the Black Magic Club, Ootori-san. Our curses are very real.” Nekozawa said.

 

“Hey, Nekozawa-senpai, if the host club thing falls through can I join your club?” Light asked.

 

Tamaki began screeching from the corner. There were also some tears thrown in there but it mostly consisted of screeching.

 

Nekozawa’s screeches joined Tamaki. The twins grinned, shining a light on the third year. Nekozawa speed through the room back through his door, slamming it shut. Tamaki screamed even louder, questioning why anyone would do this to someone who had the power to curse someone. 

 

He was, predictably, ignored by the twins. Once again, they tried to get Haruhi to invite them over to her house. Once again she strong denied them. Having already known, this the twins devised a plan. They were going to trick Haruhi into letting them go over to her place.

 

“If you can guess which one of us is Hikaru we won’t bother you about going to your place for a day.” the twins said.

 

“A month.” Haruhi deadpanned.

 

That was a good enough agreement for them.

 

The twins put on their dorky hats again, and spun around to confuse Haruhi. After a trippy sequence, which made Haruhi think of Girl’s Generation’s I Got a Boy song, it was time to guess which twin was which.

 

Pointing to the twin on the left she said, “This one’s Kaoru,” then to the one on the right, “This one is Hikaru.”

 

“Whoopsie dangles, you’re wrong.” the twins said.

 

“What the fuck does whoopsie dangles mean?” Light whispered.

 

No one had a clear answer.

 

“No I know I’m right. You’re both different from each other despite looking identical.” Haruhi said.

 

“What do you mean?” Jack asked.

 

“Hikaru’s speech and actions make him more mischievous than Kaoru. If that makes any sense.” Haruhi explained. 

 

Kaoru began to laugh quietly.

 

**[pest 1, pest 2]**

 

**pest 1:** LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT

 

**Light_Minasae:** jegus fuck. what do you want?

 

**pest 2:** first of all. How am I a pest?

 

**Light_Minasae:** because you need to take your salty shit about your bro, put it in a bag and throw that shit out. aka stfu

 

**pest 2:** wow rude.

 

**pest 1:** NOT THE ISSUE HERE GUIS. 

 

**Light_Minasae:** k. then wtf is?

 

**pest 1:** HAVE ANY OF YOU NOTICED WE NEVER HAVE TO DO SCHOOL WORK?

 

**Light_Minasae:** im pretty sure thats just you…

 

**pest 1:** NO LEIK WE NVERE HAVE TO DO IT ON SCREEN.

 

**pest 2:** stop being self aware.

 

**Light_Minasae:** arent we all self aware though?

 

**pest 2:** I doubt the host club is.

 

**Light_Minasae:** true. tamaki seems to think were an anime.

 

**pest 2:** evidence?

 

**Light_Minasae:** its a you had to be there kind of thing. he had a whole meltdown trying to figure out if he was the main character or not.

 

**pest 2:** what’d you say?

 

**Light_Minasae:** lol nothing. just let him have his moment, yaknow?

 

**pest 2:** doesn’t that boost his ego though?

 

**Light_Minasae:** what part of meltdown didn’t you understand?

 

**pest 1:** SO ARE WE AN ANIME?

 

**Light_Minasae:** fuck no. if we were an anime Vanessa’s hair would be naturally blue not some shitty home dye job.

 

**pest 2:** fuck you.

 

**Light_Minasae:** :P

 

**Light_Minasae:** holy fuck...the twins just started a war with each other lol.

 

**pest 2:** yooooooo really?!

 

**Light_Minasae:** hahaha yeah.

 

**Light_Minasae:** wait ew. kaoru’s into you. no accounting for taste.

 

**pest 2:** like you should be talking about taste.

 

**Light_Minasae:** bruh. if anything your brother is the one thats into  **me**

 

**pest 2:** lololololololololololololol

 

**pest 1:** SHOULD WE EVEN BE TELLING HER THIS?

 

**pest 2:** i said lol because its funny she thought I was talking about Jack.

 

**pest 1:** LOL WHOOPS GOMEN.

 

**Light_Minasae** has blocked  **pest 1** and  **pest 2**

 

The ground of the music room shook as a platform rose from the ground. Standing on it was Renge, who apparently gained the hots for Haruhi sometime after Light left the last chapter. Light had an expression of pure disgust, watching the first year yammering on about love squares and shit.

 

“Why the fuck is this clown still here?” Light asked.

 

“Literally just because she’s into Haruhi now.” Jack replied.

 

“I’d hate to be Haruhi right now. Stuck in the shitfest known as having half the host club and school into you.” Light said.

 

Jack snorted, the two Canadians being drowned out over the continued arguing over the twins. 

 

“That’s it! We’re over!” the twins yelled. 

 

The rest of the host club looked either shocked or annoyed by this statement. The annoyed person specifically being Kyoya, who knew the profits were going to go waaaaaaaay down thanks to this. Light and Jack’s feeling were mutual. They were just wondering how long this would last. 

 

**[FRONDS]**

 

**TatiluvsFaiytail:** ACCORDING TO MY SOURCES THE TWINS ARE FIGHTING

 

**#deadinside:** ok.

 

**can_u_maube_not:** why should we care?

 

**Lightimoo:** and why do you care?

 

**TatiluvsFairytail:** BECAUSE ITLL PROBABTRT LEAD TO SPICY GOSSI[.

 

**#deadinside:** ....how?

 

**TatiluvsFairytail:** HEHE IDK. IT PROBABLY JUST WILL. I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BOENS

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** i think you need to get your bones checked out.

 

**vanESSER:** why are they fighting again?

 

**Lightimoo:** they’re probably just bored and trying to stir shit up.

 

**vanESSER:** like you’re the one to Talk.

 

**Lightimoo:** ?

 

**vanESSER:** remember that time you hacked into your teacher’s computer and posted pictures of bees all over their lesson notes.

 

**Lightimoo:** no one can prove that was me.

 

**#deadinside:** sounds fake.

 

**Jackiebean:** light dONT GO INTO THE HOSt club grouP CHAT

 

**Lightimoo:** is it a shit fest?

 

**Jackiebean:** y e s. 

 

**Lightimoo:** are they trying to summon me?

 

**Jackiebean:** y e s

 

**Lightimoo:** lol. gg host club.

 

**Jackiebean:** literally they just want you there to give them new nicknames. and they wont leave me alone….

 

**Lightimoo:** lol well if thats all.

 

**Jackiebean:** nOO

  
  


**[The Host Studs]**

 

**Light_Minasae:** alright everyone shut the fuck up. i didnt bother reading the rest of this shit conversation and i dont plan on it. just step away from your keyboards and let me do my magic.

 

**Light_Minasae** changed  **drunk.boss.exe** to  **really.drunk.boss.exe**

 

**Light_Minasae** changed  **twin 1** to  **bitchbaby**

 

**Light_Minasae** changed  **twin 2** to  **shit_fairy**

 

**Light_Minasae** changed  **cake.child.exe** to  **shortie**

 

**Light_Minasae** changed  **Kira** to  **the_real_boss_here**

 

**Light_Minasae** changed  **Haruhi_Fudgeyokra** to  **poor.unfortunate.soul**

 

**Light_Minasae** changed  **Light_Minasae** to  **set_me_free**

 

**set_me_free:** with that i bid you adieu.

 

**poor.unfortunate.soul:** Well she got the names right for sure.

 

**shit_fairy:** Nani The Fuck?!

 

**bitchbaby:** excuse YOU?! don't talk to Haruhi that way.

 

**shit_fairy:** Shit Up Hikaoru

 

**bitchbaby:** don't make me come over there Kaoru.

 

**shit_fairy:** Come At Me Bro.

 

**set_me_free** changed  **sunshine™** to  **DAKINGINDANORF**

 

**DAKINGINDANORF:** SHREIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIK WHY

 

**set_me_free:** >:3 all hail DAKINGINDANORF

 

**DAKINGINDANORF:** I HATE YOU

 

**set_me_free:** lol sounds fake but k.

 

**DAKINGINDANORF:** I DONT WANT TO DIE IN A WEDDING

 

**set_me_free:** lol you wont...probably

 

**DAKINGINDANORF:** WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

 

**set_me_free:** set the canadians free™ 

 

**set_me_free:** every breath of air goes towards the initiative to bring the poor souls of jack harrington and light minasae back home. 

 

**set_me_free:** also download jack’s mixtape on soundcloud.

 

**DAKINDINDANORF:** WE PROMISED NOT TO TALK ABOUT THAT

 

**set_me_free:** whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooops

 

**shit_fairy:** What The Fuck?

 

**bitchbaby:** stfu kaoru

 

**shit_fairy:** Fuck You Hikaru

 

**bitchbaby:** no fuck you kaoru

 

**the_real_boss_here:** Excellent job mInaSaE-sAn

 

**set_me_free:** thanks kyoya. i try.

 

**really.drunk.boss.exe:** LIGHR WHY

 

**set_me_free:** because i can.

 

**poor.unfortunate.soul:** This is an absolute shitfest.

 

**set_me_free:** lol my life™ 

 

**shortie:** bitch who the fuck you callin sHoRt?

 

**set_me_free:** youre two foot one.

 

**shortie:** im two foot one of whoppin’ yo bitch ass.

 

**set_me_free:** lol good luck.

 

**shortie:** meet me outside tomorrow before school. we gonna throw down like in prison.

 

**set_me_free:** sure

 

**really.drunk.bos.exe:** HUNNY-SENPAI NOT YOU TOO.

 

**shortie:** there is no hunny-senpai. 

 

**the_real_boss_here:** Minasae-san why have you created this mess?

 

**DAKINGINDANORF:** to be fair you started it.

 

**the_real_boss_here:** I did no such thing.

 

**shortie:** kyoya it was yo bitch ass that brought them here.

 

**set_me_free** has changed  **shortie** to  **blessed.soul™**

 

**blessed.soul™:** Thanks Light-chan :3

 

**set_me_free:** any time, my man.

 

**really.drunk.boss.exe:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

-

 

“I’ve recently become aware that students don’t believe we’re doing enough work.” Sensei Liu said.

 

A bunch of glares were cast in the direction of Tatania, who smiled obliviously. 

 

“So we’re doing a  bullshit  group project. Get in groups of threes and do some  shit thing.” Sensei Liu continued.

 

The sound that immediately followed was a loud smack. Looking towards the direction of Light, Sensei Liu could see Light’s face connected to her desk, holding in the pained yells of her soul. Sensei Liu made a mental note to always assign groups on two from now on. Minasae was a cool student. She shared dank memes.

 

When Light eventually picked her head off the desk, her two options were staring directly at her. Well to be accurate, Tamaki and Tatania were. Penny gave Light a pleading look whereas Kyoya looked like he couldn’t give any less fucks. 

 

On one hand, she could escape the host club by working with Penny and Tatania, however she made a rebuttal on that thought immediately. Ew working with Tatania. (Which basically meant doing all the work while Tatania fucks around on her shitty tumblr blog.)

 

Light sighed flickering her eyes towards Kyoya.

 

“What the fuck are we supposed to be doing?” she asked.

 

Tamaki’s shrieks of joy drowned out whatever response Kyoya gave Light, to everyone’s displeasure. Penny also had a look of absolute betrayal, while Tatania just looked extremely disappointed. 

 

“Next time.” Light whispered to Penny. They both knew it was a lie. Light would never work with Tatania.

 

“This is going to be so fun! We can all go to Kyoya’s place to work on it tonight!” Tamaki exclaimed.

 

“Excuse me that's  _ my  _ house.” Kyoya said.

 

“I still have no idea what our project is.” Light said.

 

-

 

[ **sunshine™** ]

 

**Lightimoo:** aid me.

 

**sunshine™:** ?

 

**Lightimoo:** g r o u p  p r o j e c t s  a r e f u c k e d

 

**sunshine™:** feelsbadman

 

**Lightimoo:** same

 

**sunshine™:** what's the project on?

 

**Lightimoo:** wish I knew lol

 

**sunshine™:** ...Lightimoo no…

 

**Lightimoo:** lol

 

**sunshine™:** shouldn't you be working right now?

 

**Lightimoo:** nah Tamaki and Kyoya are arguing. it'll take a good ten minutes before either of them notice.

 

**sunshine™:** lol I love how you're avoiding Tatania by working with Tamaki and Kyoya.

 

**Lightimoo:** poor penny.

 

**sunshine™:** a moment of silence for Penny.

 

**Lightimoo:** rip

 

**sunshine™:** you need to be stopped.

 

**Lightimoo:** come at me, bwow

 

**sunshine™:** stooooooop

 

**Lightimoo:** >B3

 

**sunshine™:** dear god why.

 

**Lightimoo:** because I can :3333333333

 

**sunshine™:** someone should take your internet away for life.

 

**Lightimoo:** *lifeu

 

**sunshine™:** Jack is dead come back again later.

 

**Lightimoo:** lol naisu

 

**sunshine™:** what did I do to deserve this?

 

**Lightimoo:** you know you love me >:3

 

**sunshine™:** >//////<

 

**Lightimoo:** *swoons*

 

**sunshine™:** wanna play Overwatch later?

 

**Lightimoo:** do i want to? fuck yeah. can i? nope sorrz.

 

**sunshine™:** :O oh noooooooo

 

**Lightimoo:** not your fault tAtAnIa decided we need a project.

 

**sunshine™:** riot

 

**Lightimoo:** lol I wish.

 

**Lightimoo:** lol neither of them have noticed yet.

 

**sunshine™:** holy shit lol

 

**Lightimoo:** I thought weeboya would have noticed by now.

 

**sunshine™:** lol yeah. same.

 

**Lightimoo:** I have no idea what they're talking about lol.

 

**sunshine™:** I never do lol

 

**Lightimoo:** u dum

 

**sunshine™: betrayal**

 

**Lightimoo:** oops gōmen

 

**sunshine™:** :3

 

**Lightimoo:** oh shit weeboya noticed me. gotta fly.

 

**sunshine™:** we’ll meet again boo.

 

**Lightimoo:** existence.exe deleted.

 

“Light, come with us. We’re going to lunch.” Tamaki said, grabbing Light’s arm.

 

“Nah Imma dip. Penny and Ally wanna hang.” Light said, pulling her wrist away from the blonde.

 

“But we need to check on the twiiiiiins.” Tamaki whined.

 

“Check on them yourself. You don't need me for that shit.” Light replied.

 

“I think it'd be a wholesome experience for everyone if we all went. Also I need your help in disciplining the twins.” Tamaki replied.

 

Kyoya swore he heard Light whisper “of course” sarcastically under her breath. Honestly at this point he didn't really give a shit.

 

Regardless of her answer, Light was forced to come along with the host club anyways. She believed the twins could handle things on their own but Tamaki was adamant on the club checking on them. She was dragged to the lunch room, which was a sight to behold.

 

The twins were arguing over what lunch they should have, ordering in perfect sync despite being in an already heated argument. Personally Light didn't see how they could possibly be so in sync while fighting. Half the shit the twins said sounded heavily rehearsed anyways. She was starting to become suspicious of the twins.

 

“Haruhi you're here!!” Tamaki cheered, literally prancing over to her. 

 

“Yeah. I usually eat my lunch in the class room but I came to check in Hikaru and Kaoru.” Haruhi replied.

 

“Did they dye their hair?” Jack whispered to Light, staring at the garish pink and blue hair of the twins.

 

“Sadly.” Light replied. “I have no idea why we had to be dragged into this shitfest.” 

 

“Because we’re members of the host club.” Jack begrudgingly replied.

 

The moody look that spread across Light’s face could rival Hanzo Shimada’s. It was so fucking moody. 

 

“I’m going to fucking quit this club. I swear to god.” she hissed.

 

“You haven’t yet so I think that’s a lie.” Jack replied.

 

A chair flew by the two Canadians, the perpetrators oblivious to the rage they were filling Light with. Grabbing Jack’s arm she dragged him towards the lunchroom exit.

 

“Light where are you going?” Tamaki cried.

 

“Somewhere away from this shit, I dunno specifically. Get your shit together with the twins then maybe I’ll consider returning. You’re the president of this club. Act like it..” Light replied. She slammed the door shut, leaving a dumbfounded Tamaki, Haruhi and Kyoya in it’s wake. The twins exchanged a subtle glance. They wondered if maybe they were going a little far just to be invited to Haruhi’s house. 

 

They shoved that thought to the back of their minds. Light tended to overreact to some things, this was probably just one of those times. Besides they needed to get their revenge on her for telling them apart somehow, even if breaking her sanity was the punishment.

 

Hikaru shoved Kaoru off the tower of tables and chairs, screaming ‘LION KING REFERNCE’ resuming their fake fight.

 

-

 

**[Cool People + Vanessa and Tatania]**

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** K so yall™ know how I was forced into going to Kyoya’s place right?

 

**#deadinside:** serves you right you traitor.

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** yeah yeah whatever.

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** lol what happened?

 

**Tati_luvs_Fairytail:** DID KYUOOTA CONFESS HIS LOEB FOR YOU?

 

**LighttheMemeQueen** has blocked  **Tati_luvs_Fairytail**

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** now that the trash has been taken care of i can on with my story.

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** so naturally we didn’t get shit done because Tamaki and Kyoya were arguing over what they should do about the twins. Kyoya beat the shit out of tamaki with a textbook btw. then after about an hour of me pleading to leave i was actually able to leave.

 

**vanESSER:** when does the good shit happen?

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** wait you impatient fake emo.

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** but kyoya’s bitch ass brother comes in and is like “who tf is that?’. so naturally my ass responds with a very eloquent ‘i need healing’

 

**#deadinside:** of fucking course.

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** but wait. theres more.

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** so kyoyas  _ this close  _ to losing his shit when his brother responds, “heroes never die”.

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** no…

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** yes

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** naturally i did what every sane person would do. yell ‘what the fuck’. so kyoyas bitch ass dad comes out. when asked who shouted that i pointed to his brother and bolted out of the window.

 

**#deadinside:** you’re dead to me

 

**vanESSER:** basically what you’re saying is youre never invited to kyoyas house ever again and the hwole Ootori familt thinks you’re insane.

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** no actually the moral of the story is dont believe everything you see on the internet because i made that shit up/

 

**#deadinside:** oh thank god.

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** would Kyoya confirm this?

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** yeah. i the only thing that did happen was my awkward, unconvincing statement that i was a boy. i dont think he bought it

 

**vanESSER:** why does anyone even believe you are?

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** i have no fucking clue. people here are fucking dumb af.

 

**vanESSER:** speaking of dumb af where tf is Jack?

 

**Jackiebean:** wow respect your older brother, jeez.

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** yo i found another hilarious kpop crack video. Light, dude, you should watch it with me.

 

**LighttheMemeQueen:** fuck yeah dude!

 

**LighttheMemeQueen** and  **can_u_maybe_not** have muted the chat.

 

**#deadinside:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°)

 

**Jackiebean:** why?

 

**#deadinside:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) idk. im bored and you’re easily bothered

 

**Jackiebean** has muted the chat

 

**#deadinside:** lol mission accomplished.

 

The twins were still fighting the next day. Quite honestly it was getting on everyone’s nerves at this point. No one really understood why they were still fighting, since originally it was for an extremely petty reason. They stood in front of a pile of furniture, topped with Hunny and his stuffed rabbit, breathing heavily.

 

“Seriously guys, we’ve had enough of your bullshit. Just make up already.” Light deadpanned.

 

“Our  _ bullshit?! _ Do you know what it’s like to wake up in the morning and always be mistaken for someone else?!” Hikaru yelled.

 

The two Canadians snorted, confusing the twins greatly. The rest of the host club watched, unsure of how the events would unfold.

 

“People mistake me for my younger brother all the time. I’m just not a little bitch about it and correct them when they’re wrong.” Light replied.

 

“You have a brother?!” Tamaki yelled.

 

Light coughed loudly, pulling out her phone.

 

[ **Noodles - why do we still use this?]**

 

**Soba:** abort mission!!! abort!!!!

 

**Udon:** Anija what are you talking about?

 

**Soba:** they know...also fuck you, you little shit.

 

As Light tuned back in the yells of Hikaru and Kaoru filled the room once again. Kaoru pulled a wooden cat doll out of his pocket announcing his evil plan to curse Hikaru.

 

“What the fuck?” Light whispered.

 

“Just roll with it.” Jack whispered back.

 

“Should...should we tell them?” Light asked.

 

“No.” Jack replied.

 

“Tell us what?” Kyoya asked, appearing from the shadows, like Reaper.

 

“The fight’s fake. They're just trying to mooch their way into Haruhi’s house.” Light replied nonchalantly.

 

Someone gasped loudly. The twins stared at Light with over dramatic gasping expressions on their faces, the cat doll fell to the ground.

 

“How dare you accuse us of fabricating a lie to get to Haruhi’s house? We would  _ never  _ do that!” Hikaru said, sounding extremely offended.

 

“Yeah like you'd never photoshop her again. That worked out soooo well.” Light sarcastically replied.

 

Tamaki and Haruhi’s enraged shrieks filled the room, covering the screams of the twins.

 

“Hold on a minute. Light-chan do you have actual evidence that this was all fabricated?” Hunny asked.

 

“To quote the twins ‘wow I'm so bored, can we come to your place Haruhi?’” Light sarcastically replied.

 

“I found this earlier the other day.” Jack said, holding up a script. The script’s title read  **Let’s Fake Fight and Get Into Haruhi’s House** .

 

Tamaki and Haruhi slowly advanced towards the twins. The promise of death in their eyes, more so from Tamaki than Haruhi. The twins slowly back away, tightly holding each other.

 

“Good bye Hikaru…” Kaoru whispered.

 

“I love you Kaoru.” Hikaru whispered back, tears streaming down his face.

 

An electric razor appeared from nowhere in Tamaki’s hands.

 

-

 

“Oh I know which one Hikaru is. He's the bald one!!” one of the girls yelled.

 

“you're riiiight.” the twins glumly sang.

 

The girls they were hosting clapped in delight, not noticing the mood around them. The rest of the club watched, Light snickering in the background.

 

“I can't believe they actually bought that.” she said.

 

The front page of the script Jack held earlier fell off revealing a bunch of pages with a single repeated word.  **SYKE** .

 

“They said they wanted something interesting to happen.” Jack said.

 

The two Canadians snickered to themselves, not noticing Kyoya looming in the background. The script was ripped out of Jack’s hand. The two Canadians only began to laugh harder as Kyoya started to clue into their shenanigans.

 

“I can't believe you two.” he said, shaking his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> formating is for chumps.


	7. I need healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light just wants to work on the project. She didn't ask for this.

After the disastrous attempt to work on their project while the twins were ‘fighting’ Light never expected to be dragged back to Kyoya’s place by Tamaki. She half expected to be pestered into inviting them over to her own, which was something she’d never do willingly, or dragged to Tamaki’s. Yet lo and behold, she was back at the Ootori manor. 

 

Light wasn’t joking when she told everyone not to believe what she said about the first time. What really happened was she sat through two hours of Kyoya and Tamaki bickering like an old married couple while she drew shitpost quality Overwatch fanart. Eventually Kyoya decided to release her from eternal torment and allowed her to return home. Literally the only people in the house that time were the three of them and the staff.

 

“My father will be home this time. Please attempt to behave yourselves.” Kyoya said.

 

“I mean if we’re actually going to do  _ work  _ this time, sure. If not then I’m going to leave now.” Light replied, rolling her eyes.

 

“I can assure you this time we will.” Kyoya replied.

 

-

 

_ Fuck me sideways with a chainsaw.  _

 

To Light’s complete dismay the three second years’ work session had quickly diverted into another  _ Tamaki Wants to Do Something Expensive and Elaborate for the Host Club But Kyoya Doesn’t Want to Pay For It  _ argument. She couldn’t even question why she agreed to come with them because she never even had to choice to say no. That sounded familiar. 

 

Neither Tamaki or Kyoya were going to back down from this very easily...or quickly. They knew for a fact they needed this project done soon and Light  **_really_ ** didn’t want to put herself back into the position where she does all the work. It was annoying enough doing it for Tatania but with Kyoya Ootori of all people, no fucking thanks.

 

**[Fronds]**

 

**Min_tea:** do you ever want to crowd surf but without the crowd so you break all of your bones?

 

**vanESSER:** what the fuck?

 

**Min_tea:** tamaki and kyoya are arguing again. i want to throw myself off the planet.

 

**Pen.E.Wise:** i mean...tatania and i havent gotten anything done yet because the third person in our group keeps crying whenever we try to work...want to just join us?

 

**Min_tea:** honestly at this point. yes.

 

**Pen.E.Wise:** yo maybe you could help us with our stuff and we could do yours!

 

**Min_tea:** with our combined japanese skills im sure we can at least sound like a kyoya who wasnt trying.

 

**Pen.E.Wise:** did you just diss your own japanese skills?

 

**Min_tea:** my dad tells me my japanese skills are shit all the time.

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** wasn’t there a time you couldn’t even speak english?   
  


**Min_tea:** when i was like...5. 

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** classic.

 

**vanESSER:** just throwing it in here that you were the one who taught us how to speak japanese so you guys are totally fucked.

 

**Pen.E.Wise:** except Tatania. She ‘learned’ it from anime.

 

**Min_tea:** shi t you right…and i dont think she counts.

 

**paNini:** Wouldn’t it make more sense to just ask them to get back to work?

 

**Min_tea:** i tried that last time. look at how well that turned out.

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** so you did take the sensible route at one point? noice.

 

**Min_tea:** ally stfu.

 

**paNini:** Last time they were trying to figure out what to do about Hikaru and Kaoru, right? Maybe they’ll listen to you this time.

 

**DaKinginDaNorf:** the probablility of that happening is 0%

 

**DaKinginDaNorf:** light...no….

 

**Min_tea:** light yes. all hail DAKINGINDANORF

 

**DaKinginDaNorf:** this wasnt funny last time what made you think itd be funny here.

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** it’s fun y because we don’t know if the king Light’s referring to is the one that dies in a wedding or the one that fucks his aunt.

 

**vanESSER:** she could have almagamted both.

 

**Pen.E.Wise:** almagamted.

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** and you say Tatania can’t spell…

 

**DaKinginDaNorf** changed their name to  **endless.suffering.exe**

 

**Pen.E.Wise:** hey Light look. you converted him into you.

 

**Min_tea:** shit. does that mean i have to be the positive one now? fuck how do i do that? i havent been happy since 1682.

 

**Pen.E.Wise:** k but you were literally smiling and laughing earlier today.

 

**Min_tea:** because we got a new dog...again.

 

**endless.suffering.exe:** didn’t your dad just get another dog?

 

**Min_tea:** yes. he did. 

 

**endless.suffering.exe:** blesst

 

**Min_tea** changed  **endless.suffering.exe** to  **blesst™**

 

**blesst™** : ugh.

 

**Min_tea:** <3

 

**vanESSER:** ew

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** h

 

**Pen.E.Wise:** a

 

**blesst™:** this must be how you feel 24/7.

 

**Min_tea:** more like 25/8

 

**paNini:** That doesn’t even make sense…

 

**Min_tea:** im always in intense pain and i use memes to numb myself.

 

**vanESSER:** read at 18:30

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** hey Light. read my name.

 

**Min_tea:** looooooooooooooooooool

 

“Minasae-san, please. We need to start working.” Kyoya sighed.

 

Light lowered her phone giving him an ‘are you fucking serious’ face. “You two have been arguing for the past hour. How do you think I feel?” 

 

“We need you to settle our argument, Light. Would you and Haruhi wear a dress for a Victorian era Tea Party themed cosplay?” Tamaki asked his eyes shining in desperation.

 

**“** Absolutely not.” Light scoffed, setting her phone back on the table. Maybe not they could actually get the work.

 

No. That was too much to ask. Tamaki ran off into the corner of Kyoya’s room to sulk quietly to himself, disappointed his ‘daughters’ wouldn’t wear a pretty dress like ‘daddy’ wanted them to.

 

Her MacBook snapped shut and was shoved into her bag. Light pocketed her phone, slung her bag over her shoulder and stood up in one swift motion. “I’m going home.” she announced.

 

“Minasae-san, we need to work on our project.” Kyoya argued.

 

“I’ll do it myself. You know for someone that’s supposed to be top of the class you waste an awful lot of time arguing with Tamaki about host club shit when you’re supposed to be getting work done. I’m tired of wasting my fucking time.” Light yelled, storming out of the room.

 

**[The Lizard]**

 

**baepsae:** yo so can you pick me up?

 

**The Lizard:** what happened?

 

**baepsae:** you know i thought joining tamaki and kyoya would actually work out because kyoyas top of the class and shit. but instead ive wasted more fucking than i ever have when i work with penny and tatania. because god fucking forbid i can actually find a group that will collectively do the same amount of work as each other. 

 

**baepsae:** FUCK TAMAKI AND KYOYA

 

**The Lizard:** light. breathe.

 

**baepsae:** if i wasnt breathing id be dead, ally

 

**The Lizard:** i meant calm down.

 

**baepsae:** i am calm. i accidentally hit the caps button.

 

**The Lizard:** i can smell your lies from a mile away. youre going to end up punching a brick wall when you wait for me. 

 

**baepsae:** just pick me up please. let me have this.

 

**The Lizard:** there’s a Starbucks about 20 minutes away from you. i’ll pick y’all up there.

 

**baepsae:** thanks man.

 

**The Lizard:** just tell me when you leave. and dont get kidnapped.

 

**baepsae:** ha ok.

 

Her journey to the Starbucks was almost immediately put on hold. When passing through on of the hallways, Chairman Suoh and Kyoya’s father stepped out. At first neither of them noticed her. The Chairman noticed her when she tried to sneak by.

 

“Minasae, it’s a pleasure to see you again.” the Chairman said, raising his arms in the air, in a way that reminded her a little too much of Tamaki.

 

_ Fuck FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK k tarnation. Don't think about it. Don't fuuuuucking do it. _

 

“It's good to see you too, Chairman.” Light said, her eyes flickered towards the end of the hallway. Her escape.

 

“Please call me Uncle.” Chairman Suoh said, producing a rose out of nowhere offering it to her.

 

_ don't you fucking dare. he's the fucking chairman you piece of shit. _

 

“I'd honestly prefer to call you Chairman.” Light said, slowly sliding towards the end of the hallway.

 

Kyoya’s father wasn't really regarding her. He was definitely observing, in the same weird creepy way Kyoya does. 

 

_ D O N T _

 

“I actually had something I wanted to discuss with you. If you have the time now that would be wonderful.” Chairman Suoh said.

 

_ You don't have the time. You don't have the time. You don't have the fucking time. Ally is waiting for you. _

 

“N-yes.” Light replied.

 

_ You fucking idiot. _

 

She prayed the entire conversation would end quickly. Before she said something she didn’t mean and to avoid making Ally wait too long for her to respond.

 

The Chairman lead her into the room he and Kyoya’s father had just stepped out of. 

 

“I wanted to ask you something personal. Something that I feel needed to be cleared up.” the Chairman said.

 

_ Hurry UP. _

 

“Ok.” she said.

 

“Tamaki frequently talks about you. Now the odd thing is that he frequently refers to you as a female. Your application and student records contradict this.” the Chairman explained.

 

_ Of fucking course Tamaki talks about you with his father. Because it’s not creepy enough that he calls you his daughter to your face and knew your phone number before you had actually gotten to know him. _

 

_ Wait her student records do what? _

 

“What?”

 

_ How eloquent. _

 

**_Shut up._ **

 

“When you applied for the foreign exchange program you signed your gender off as other. By your name I assumed you were male. Now I understand Tamaki can be rather eccentric at times but unless there’s a mistake he truly believes you are a female and I would like to understand why.” the Chairman said, folding his hands together.

 

Deciding to actually go on this exchange was a completely spontaneous decision on her part. If she remembered correctly, it was nearly 4 am when she signed her forms. Far past the point of tiredness, and reaching the point where she was literally about to pass out. She must have been so out of it that she signed her papers incorrectly.

 

“Technically I am a female. I don’t really think I feel like one though.” she found herself saying. It’s not what she meant to say, even though that was what she felt. She was planning on explaining the situation to the Chairman the way she had just been thinking.

 

She opened her mouth in attempt to take it back but the Chairman was already nodding in understandment. Light cringed, knowing she’d just made things much more complicated than it needed to be.

 

Her phone buzzed in her pocket. Ally was waiting for a response.  _ fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck _

 

“Suoh, my friend, since Minasae is a female student shouldn’t she be obligated to wear the female uniform?” Kyoya’s father asked. Light bit her tongue stopping herself from calling him an ass.

 

“The rules regarding students who do not conform to the gender binary and transitioning students are still being developed. If what Minasae is saying is true than I will not force them to wear something they don’t want to.” the Chairman replied.

 

_ You dug your own grave with that one. _

 

**_How many times do I have to ask you to shut up?_ **

 

_ I am you. _

 

**_fUCK._ **

 

“But they are the rules, Suoh. You cannot change them for one student.” Kyoya’s father said.

 

“I can guarantee Minasae is not the only person to feel this way, Ootori.” 

 

Feeling an argument brewing Light began to panic. All she wanted to do was leave, why the fuck did she have to open her mouth like that? Glancing to the right she saw the window was open.

 

_ Don’t do it again, for the love of all that is holy. _

 

Light didn’t realize what she was doing until she felt the wind loudly assaulting her hearing aid. Very vaguely she could hear both men shouting out of the window. Her body switched into autopilot, pulling out her phone texting a garbled mess to Ally and Google Mapping the closest Starbucks. She was pretty sure she almost got hit by a few cars on the way there.

 

Ally was about to make a lizard joke when they arrived at Starbucks. The joke died when they noticed how distant the younger teen looked. They drove home without saying a word to Light, blasting BTS throughout the car instead.

 

-

 

Light snapped back into reality when she noticed a hand waving in front of her face. Tamaki’s mouth moved, though she wasn’t aware of what he was saying. She was reasonably confused when she finally processed that  **Tamaki** was trying to get her attention.

 

“You’ve been spaced out for a while. Is everything okay?” he asked.

 

_ I just imagined a whole scenario where I fucked up a conversation with your father because I’m wearing the uniform that doesn’t match my physical gender. I have no idea what the fuck just happened. _

 

“What happened to Kyoya?” she asked, realizing he wasn’t in the room with them anymore.

 

“His father wanted to speak with him. It’s not important though. I want to know what happened to you. I’ve been trying to get your attention for close to twenty minutes.” Tamaki replied.

 

“It happens sometimes. Don’t worry about it.” she replied.

 

Tamaki didn’t look convinced but he dropped the topic. It was clear from his expression he wanted to continue to press but is afraid of what may happen if he does. 

 

Instead he began discussing what he believes they should do about the project until Kyoya returns. Most of it was planned out by the time Kyoya returned.

 

**[Fronds]**

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** have you ever noticed that Tamaki’s head looks like a coconut?

 

**sunshine™:** go to sleep Ally.

 

**Min_tea:** which one of you assholes drugged the chicken nuggets?

 

**Pen.E.Wise:** no one drugged the chicken nuggets. wtf are you talking about?

 

**Min_tea:** i feel like i just tripped some major drugs.

 

**sunshine™:** what happened? you okay?

 

**Min_tea:** i had this really realistic hallucination that the chairman was asking me about whether i was a girl or not and for some reason i jumped out of a window again.

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** wouldn’t he already know that from your student records or whatever?

 

**Min_tea:** that’s something hat came up in this hallucination. also i think i incorrectly filled out my exchange application.

 

**Pen.E.Wise:** how?

 

**Min_tea:** i was like...really tired when i filled it out so i may have checked off my gender as other so the Chairman never really questioned why my records state im a female.

 

**sunshine™:** ive seen your report cards, light. its said other for a while.

 

**Min_tea:** wait really? i dont even remember changing that.

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** i’m pretty sure those changes can be made on the student information forms your parents have to sign at the beginning of every year. your dad probably did it at some point.

 

**Min_tea:** honestly, im not even sure if im still not in reality so i dont know how to respond to this. im even more confused than before

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** dont know what to tell you man.

 

**Min_tea:** i hope i am because tamaki and i actually got shit done for once. who knew the force we needed to get shit done was having kyoya not there.

 

**Pen.E.Wise:** hold the fUCK UP. you got work DONE with TAMAKI?!

 

**Min_tea:** thats precisely why i feel like nothing is real right now.

 

**Pen.E.Wise:** holy shiiiiiiiit

 

**Min_tea:** academically he’s actually pretty smart. hes just annoying af.

 

**vanESSER:** he was one of the contenders for top of the class last year. he was a few points lower than Kyoya.

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** so we just reiterated what Light said. he’s smart academically but socially inept.

 

**sunshine™:** i think a lot of what he says is on impulse. a lot of his actions seem to point towards him having ADHD.

 

**paNini:** Guys we shouldn’t be talking about him behind his back like this.

 

**Min_tea:** im positive the host club calls me a psychopath behind my back.

 

**vanESSER:** you’re paranoid.

 

**Min_tea:** no im not.

 

**IWANNAKOKOFLOPOFFTHEWORLD:** GESSU WHO JUST GOT INTO EOX 

 

**IWANNAKOKOFLOPOFFTHEWORLD: *** XEO

 

**IWANNAKOKOFLOPOFFTHEWORLD:** *EXO

 

**Min_tea, vanESSER, sunshine™, can_u_maybe_not, Pen.E.Wise** and  **paNini** have left the chat.

  
**IWANNAFKOKOFLOPOFFTHEWORD:** DANITEM GUSY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the real question is did this chapter actually happen or is it just Light's imagination?
> 
>  
> 
> Also the chicken nuggets thing is a reference to the BTS fanfictions that I created on my other account. I still need to post RM's.


	8. Welcome to the Jungle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruhi and Light test their survival skills in the fake jungle.

The only thing Haruhi wanted to do right now was go home. It had already been a long, exhausting day and there was nothing more that she wanted other than to go home and do some laundry.

 

She didn’t want the twins to suddenly drag her into a limo as as she started making her way to her bus stop. The sketchy ‘ _Good bring her in,_ ’ from Tamaki was not reassuring in the last.

 

None of the other host club members explained where they were going despite her questions. Light was equally as confused as she was, and shrugged at her when Haruhi looked at her for an answer.

 

The strangest thing about the entire ordeal was Jack wasn’t with her. Ever since joining the host club Haruhi didn't think they spent any of their free-time apart, other than the choice times Tamaki would drag her around for ‘host club business’. Normally they were always together, other than the choice times Tamaki decided that he ‘needed’ Light for some host club shit.

 

The host club ended up arriving at an indoor water park.  Almost immediately after entering, the twins dragged Haruhi away to the changing area, saying something about bringing some swimsuits for her to try on. There were a pair of identical maids in the change room for some reason, giving her some rather terrible suggestions on what to wear.

 

She ended up wearing a pink one piece because it was the least horrifying thing she could find. Somehow that didn’t satisfy Tamaki because he asked her to put a yellow t shirt and shorts on. Something about not showing skin. A rather hypocritical decision in her opinion because during her first week as a host club member they’d literally tried to make her cosplay in something nearly equally as revealing as a swimsuit..

 

Upon meeting up with the rest of the club Kyoya finally explained that this was a theme park his family was going to open soon.

 

“I thought the Ootori group ran hospitals and was a medical business.” Haruhi said.

 

“That is true but my family has decided to expand their horizons. Think of this as a mental wellness center for the people who are overworked and need a vacation but do not have the time to actually go on one. The Ootori group’s main focus is the good-health and mental well-being of the public.” Kyoya replied.

 

“Sure…” Haruhi said, still unconvinced.

 

Damn rich people, she thought.

 

-

 

“Boss, why are you making Haruhi wear that yellow monstrocity?” Kaoru asked, pointing to the distracted first year.

 

“Yeah, I would have thought you would have been all like _‘I wanna see Haruhi in a swim suit_ ’.” Hikaru agreed, doing a terrible impression of Tamaki.

 

The blonde second year gasped loudly, deeply offended by the impression. He flailed his arms about yelling how he did **_not_ ** sound like that.

 

“Maybe this is an elaborate ruse. He doesn’t want anyone else to see Haruhi in a swimsuit, only himself. That’s pretty nasty.” Kaoru whispered loudly to Hikaru.

 

“I agree. He must be one of those jealous pervert types.” Hikaru replied in the same tone.

 

Tamaki gasped loudly again and vehemently denied those accusations. He was Haruhi’s father who was not old enough to be her father. There was no instance in this universe or any alternative universe where Tamaki would ever be a pervert. How dare the twins accuse him of so. He wanted to protect his darling Haruhi from the real perverts in the club, aka the devil twins themselves.

 

Off in the distance Hunny skipped over to Haruhi, who was deep in conversation with Light. Tamaki could barely hear the short third year ask if Haruhi wanted to go in the pool with him.

 

Did...did Hunny want Haruhi too? Did he have to protect Haruhi from Hunny-senpai?! Hunny-senpai was a karate master he couldn’t fight him…

 

“Boss...boss...you’re starting to scare us.” the twins said.

 

“My position as father...is being stripped away from me…” Tamaki whispered.

 

“No one wants that position but you.” Hikaru deadpanned.

 

-

 

Hunny twirled around in his pink floatie. “It looks cute doesn’t it, Haru-chan?” he asked.

 

“I guess...but do you actually need it?” Haruhi slowly replied.

 

“Nope!!” Hunny sang, prancing off towards the wave pool.

 

The Reading Rainbow transition sound effect loudly played from Light’s phone making both her and Haruhi jump slightly. Her dumbfounded expression turned mildly annoyed as she stared at the phone.

 

“What is it?” Haruhi asked.

 

Light cleared her throat, “ _By the way I changed your text tone. The lizards will rule. JK they already run the government._ ”

 

“Please end my suffering.” she sighed.

 

“I feel your pain, Light-senpai.” Haruhi agreed.

 

“DADDY SAYS NO!!!” Tamaki yelled in the distance. A stream of water flew out of nowhere hitting Light in the face. Water dripped off her glasses, shielding the completely blank look in her eyes.

 

“Tamaki-senpai what was that for?” Haruhi yelled.

 

“I am trying to protect you from those devil twins! They are trying to stake a claim on your hand in marriage!” Tamaki cried, flailing the water gun about.

 

“Please God, I beg of you...I’ll start believing if you just strike me dead now.” Light whispered.

 

Tamaki screeched like a banshee when he was hit by another stream of water. With another battle cry he chased after the twins vowing to strike them dead...or moderately injured.

 

Light took off her glasses shaking her head. Haruhi flinched, trying to avoid the flying drops of water. It was then that she finally noticed Light was still in her school uniform.

 

“Why didn’t the twins force you into a swimsuit, Light-senpai?” Haruhi asked.

 

“I don’t give them the reactions that they want so they don’t really like me. It’s understandable...and I’m thankful for it. I already have Tamaki and Kyoya on my ass all the time. I’m also pretty sure they’re still a little salty Jack and I are the reason their heads got shaved.” Light replied.

 

The ground began shaking. Turning towards the wave pool, Haruhi and Light had the front row seats to seeing Hunny get swallowed up by a giant wave. There were a million safety regulations being broken. That wasn’t the issue though, one their friends was just swallowed up by a wave, and possibly drowned.

 

When the wave subsided, Hunny was gone.

 

“Holy shit you’re actually trying to kill us.” Light said, breaking the silence that fell over the club.

 

Kyoya all but glared at the girl while Tamaki scrambled around ‘gathering the troops’ in a rescue attempt for Hunny.

 

Pointing into a random direction, Tamaki the twins and Haruhi ran off. Kyoya attempted to protest but they were already barreling off towards the unknown. He turned to Light, who was still sitting in the chair, messing with her hair.

 

“You won’t be joining them?” Kyoya asked.

 

“I already know about the alligators. No thank you.” Light replied.

 

“Hm...what a shame.” Kyoya mumbled, scribbling in his black book.

 

“You’re a fucking asshole.” Light scoffed.

 

The two seconds years heard Tamaki yell about going in the opposite direction, and watched as he lead the three first years off in the opposite direction. Their screams of terror followed not even a few seconds later, realising there were alligators there too.

 

“Why are there alligators everywhere?” Tamaki huffed.

 

“Kyoya’s family built a death trap. If you need a vacation from being overworked it means you’re weak. Only the strongest survive out here.” Light replied, snickering when she heard Kyoya’s hand connect with his face.

 

Tamaki whimpered, a small pool began to form by his feet. The other host club members hoped it was just sweat, or better yet, water.

 

“Is that true, Kyoya?” he whispered.

 

Light snorted, “Of course not, you dingus. Think of the lawsuit.”

 

“The wave pool leads to this point right here. Hunny-senpai should be in that direction.” Kyoya sighed, drawing a path with his pen.

 

“What are all these unnamed areas?” Haruhi asked.

 

“They’re undeveloped areas.” Kyoya replied, folding the map up.

 

Light coughed, though it sounded an awful lot like ‘death traps’.

 

Kyoya began to lead the way. Everyone knew this was for the best, Tamaki would probably lead them to the real death traps.

 

-

“It’s like a real jungle out here…” Tamaki quietly said, looking at their surroundings. It was filled with palm trees and other plants you’d find in a rainforest.

 

“And there are a lot of strange animal calls…” Haruhi mumbled after hearing some sort of bird call.

 

The sky suddenly darkened. Rain began drizzling from the ceiling onto the host club. Kyoya looked at his watch.

 

“Looks like the squall is starting.” he said.

 

“Thanks for the warning…” Hikaru sarcastically said.

 

They sought refuge under a gazebo not that far away. The twins began mercilessly heckling Tamaki about his ‘daddy issues’ while they waited for the rain to stop.

 

Kyoya was in the middle of calling his private police force. It seemed kind of ironic considering he was definitely trying to subtly kill everyone earlier. Haruhi wasn’t going to question it.

 

Not wanting to give into the assfuckery of Tamaki and the twins Haruhi stood by Light. At some point she must have found a hairtie in one of her pockets, a portion of her hair was tied in an extremely messy, frizzy bun. The rest of it just stuck out wherever it wanted.

 

Light was holding her phone, tapping her fingers on the railing. Haruhi opened her mouth to talk to the older girl, but was immediately interrupted by Light’s phone playing a highly inappropriate song.

 

“Hey, sunshine. I see you aren’t dead.” Light said.

 

“ _Thanks. Impeccable word choice, as always._ ” Jack replied, the amount of sarcasm coming out of his mouth put Light’s to shame.

 

Light grinned, “I try my best.”

 

“ _Aren’t you usually back by now? What happened? Couldn’t mooch a ride off of Ally?_ ” Jack asked.

 

“You mooch rides off of Ally too so don’t give me any of that shit. And the host club dragged me into one of their bullshit bonding exercises or something. I’m pretty sure Kyoya’s family built a death trap and just killed short stuff.” Light replied.

 

There was a beat of silence.

 

“ _Yeah that sounds about accurate._ ” Jack finally said.

 

“I think I can see a bear trap from here. What should I do?” Light asked, snickering quietly.

 

“ _Ally always said that human sacrifices never hurt...unless you’re the one being sacrificed._ ” Jack replied. Haruhi could hear his snickers through the speaker.

 

“Earlier today I [solidified my place in art school.](https://imgur.com/a/XWNNCnG)  I’ll show it to you when I get back. _”_ Light said.

 

Jack could only assume what kind of shitpost quality garbage she created.

 

“ _Please don’t_.” he whispered.

 

“No I swear it’s beautiful. It’s everyone from the host club before everything went to shit, aka after I was thrown into it.” Light replied.

 

“ _I don’t want to see your meme garbage, Light_.” Jack deadpanned. Haruhi could practically hear the life draining from his very existence.

 

Light gasped quietly, “But you love my memes…”

 

“ _Show it to me when I’m in a better mood._ ” he replied.

 

“Off topic, please stop using my computer to watch Por-”

 

The call was suddenly cut off. Light stared at her phone confused for a moment before bursting out laughing. It left just as quickly as it started, a moment later she was glaring slightly at her phone.

 

“I knew Vanessa wasn’t lying…” she whispered.

 

Dropping her phone in her pocket Light turned to the extremely confused looking Haruhi. “I’m going to go find short stuff because I don’t want to stay in the Ootori Pain Train any longer. Wanna come with?” she asked.

 

-

 

**[The Host Studs]**

 

**King Dingleberry:** WYH DSINT I THINK FO THIS EALRIET? WE CAN ASK HUBNY SENPAI WHRE HE IS THIS WAY

 

**the.bald.one:** boss his phone probably got destroyed in the water.

 

**th.half.bald.one:** It’s A Shame No One Invented Waterproof Phones Yet…

 

**glasses.the.edgydog:** Minasae-san has been messing with the usernames again.

 

**King Dingleberry:** WATH DEOS DINGLEBERYR MEAN?

 

**best.boi:** it means you’re dumb.

 

**King Dingleberry:** I AM NOT DAUN

 

**King Dingleberry:** *DOMB

 

**King Dingleberry:** *DUBM

 

**the.bald.one:** just give up.

 

**the.half.bald.one:** Jack-Senpai Is Here…

 

**best.boi:** yup.

 

**King Dingleberry:** SOMETHING IS WRONG. LIGHT SHOULD HAVE TOLD US TO SHUT UP BY NOW.

 

**King Dingleberry:** AND WHERE IS MY DARLING, BEAUTIFUL HARUHI?

 

**glasses.the.edgydog:** Perhaps we should have been paying attention to our surroundings. They aren’t under the gazebo anymore.

 

**best.boi:** gazebo?

 

**the.half.bald.one:** Kyoya brought us to his family’s unopened waterpark.

 

**best.boi:**...

 

**best.boi:** you brought a girl with a hearing aid to a waterpark?

 

**King Dingleberry:** WHTS WRONG WITH THA?

 

**best.boi:** they’re not waterproof why did you think that was a good idea?

 

**King Dingleberry:** I’VE NEVR MET A DEFA PERSON IN MT LIFE JOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW SHAT?

 

**best.boi:** tamaki ive heard about how much time you invest in learning about useless ‘commoner’ shit. if you invested as much time into undersatnding other people’s issues as you did with that this wouldn’t be an issue.

 

**glasses.the.edgydog:** Jack-senpai, as riveting as this is, we really must start searching for Haruhi and Minasae-san. You may discuss this with me later.

 

**best.boi:** [enjoy assholes](https://www.google.ca/search?q=middle+finger+emoji&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi_l-3v7f7aAhXGqYMKHZrsBeEQ_AUICigB&biw=1366&bih=662#imgrc=_Hjb-yWfkbSSqM:)

 

**the.bald.one:** see this is why everyone thinks you and Light-senpai are dating.

 

**King Dingleberry:** AHH BY DAUGHTER HARUHI. WE MUST FIND YOU.

 

**King Dingleberry:** AND LITHF TOO I GUESS

 

-

 

Haruhi wasn’t exactly sure which way Light was bringing her. They’d left the gazebo about 15 minutes ago, and was honestly surprised the host club wasn’t already on their asses. It was safe to assume they had noticed by now, but probably didn’t want to get wet so they were still hiding under the gazebo.

 

The less surprising thing was that Light held no regard for her school uniform. It was soaked beyond belief and she didn’t seem to care at all.

 

“Light-senpai do you actually know where we’re going?” Haruhi asked.

 

“I know where we should be going, but I have no idea if we’re going to right way.” Light replied nonchalantly.

 

Haruhi slightly slumped at those words. “Shouldn’t we have waited for the host club then? Kyoya actually knows the grounds.” she asked.

 

“Sure, but I want to go home and going to find shortie myself is the quickest way to getting what I want.” Light replied.

 

“Okay that makes sense, but if we get lost too then all will be for nothing.” Haruhi reasoned.

 

“We won’t get lost.” Light replied. She pulled a map out of her uniform pocket and handed it to Haruhi.

 

“When did you get this?” Haruhi asked, looking up from the map.

 

“When we arrived. In case one of us did get lost.” Light replied, shrugging. She stuffed her hands back into her pockets.

 

“Oh...sorry for doubting you.” Haruhi said, unfolding the map. She vaguely remembered where Kyoya said Hunny might be, and where they started from.

 

“I’m used to it.” Light replied.

 

Haruhi decided to not question it any further. There was a very good chance she wouldn’t like the answer if she did. Instead the first year changed the subject. It wasn’t often that she could talk to the Canadian girl without immediately being interrupted by Tamaki or the twins.

 

“So you and Jack-senpai are really close.” Haruhi said.

 

Light snorted, “You just noticed?” she sarcastically asked.

 

“Well no, I was just wondering…” Haruhi trailed off.

 

“How we became friends because we’re ‘so different’.” Light finished, using air quotes on so different.

 

Haruhi cocked her head to the side. Light and Jack did seem very different in personality so she didn’t why Light put it that way. Then again she never talked to Light ot Jack outside of the host club so she couldn’t be much of a judge on their character.

 

“We had a mutual love of video games as kids. And that’s about all there is to it.” Light explained. There was definitely more to it, Haruhi could tell, but again she wasn’t going to press further.

 

“Is he the reason you want to go home?” Haruhi asked.

 

“Haruhi I have other friends. That I also happen to live with...and that I abandon every day because of the club. Not everything in my life revolves around Jack. The whole ‘soulmate’ thing is a bit. We do it to piss people off or for the club.” Light replied.

 

“So you don’t have a crush on him?” Haruhi asked.

 

Light stopped in her tracks. She turned around to face Haruhi, with a disgusted look on her face. “Haruhi I’m an aromantic asexual and he’s my friend why would you suggest that?” she asked.

 

“You’re a what?” Haruhi asked, completely ignoring Light’s question.

 

“I don’t like people in any form other than platonically. I thought it was obvious.” Light replied, pulling her phone out of her pocket.

 

**[sunshine]**

 

**Lightimoo:** yo we need to tone tf down on the soulmate bullshit.

 

**sunshine:** more than we already have?

 

**Lightimoo:** yeah im pretty sure the entire host club thinks we’re either dating or have crushes on each other which is ew.

 

**sunshine:** excuse me im fabulous as hell.

 

**Lightimoo:** stfu. im apparently not obvious enough.

 

**sunshine:** wait i thought we toned it down because you were getting bored with the bit.

 

**Lightimoo:** i was getting bored with it but it was mostly because it was getting overbearing and annoying.

 

**sunshine:** ah. got ya.

 

**Lightimoo:** it’s our chance to be free from the host club.

 

**sunshine:** i somehow doubt that. but no more soulmate shit.

 

**Lightimoo:** bless

 

“Well that’s settled.” Light mumbled, shoving her phone back into her pocket. The rain finally subsided, clouds cleared out of the sky and the sun shone once more.

 

In the distance both Haruhi and Light could hear heavy footsteps quickly getting closer. Along with the footsteps, men were shouting orders at each other. The two females vaguely heard one of the men say Kyoya’s name, which was either a very good thing or a very bad thing. There was no real inbetween.

 

Haruhi gripped the map tighter when a bunch of heavily armed men appeared, surrounding the two female hosts, continuing to shout.

 

“Target acquired. Suspicious figure in our sights.” one of the men said into their radio.

 

“Light-senpai…” Haruhi whispered, hoping the older girl had some kind of idea. The second year was frozen in place with her hands raised.

 

“Wait, sir, isn’t that uniform-”

 

The question of one of the officers would never be finished. Out of seemingly nowhere, Hunny began yelling like Tarzan, swinging in like a bat out of hell and drop kicked one of the soldiers.

 

“Wait, short stuff, maybe you shouldn’t...oh fuck.” Light whispered.

 

Haruhi stood, slack jawed, watching in awe as Hunny beat the ever-loving shit out of the private officers. Light was fairly certain at least one of them had started to notice their mistake thanks to her uniform but didn’t really feel like getting involved more than necessary.

 

In a matter of minutes, all the officers were laying on the ground, some of their limbs stood at very odd angles. They all groaned in pain.

 

Hunny stood over them triumphantly, pointing in the general direction on most of the mess.

 

“Messing with my friends is a big no-no.” Hunny said, an aura of flowers floated around him as if he hadn’t just beaten up a bunch of men.

 

“Are you two okay?” Hunny asked, noticing the two girls were still frozen in place.

 

“Short stuff I’m pretty sure they realised they were wrong when they saw my uniform.” Light replied, slowly lowering her hands.

 

“We’re terribly sorry. We were unaware Master Kyoya had brought his friends along.” the officer that had tried to speak before, wheezed out.

 

The other hosts appeared, assessing the damage around them. The twins poked at some of the officers, commenting on how Hunny was holding back. Haruhi turned to the third year, completely slack-jawed once again.

 

“You’re a karate master?” she asked, in disbelief.

 

“Mmhm. Light-chan, I’m surprised you didn’t do anything.” Hunny said, turning to look up at the second year.

 

“They have guns, that’s a fight I can’t win. No thanks.” Light replied.

 

-

 

**[Froooooondzzzz]**

 

**vanESSER:** @Min_tea yo so I heard you almost died today.

 

**Min_tea:** where tf did you hear that?

 

**vanESSER:** Kaoru.

 

**Min_tea:**  youre friends with kaoru? shit did i forget about that?

 

**Pen.E.Wise:** hold the fuck up. What happened?

 

**sunshine:** it’s one of the host club members, they probably over exaggerated the story.

 

**Min_tea:** yup. i mean, a bunch of guys did accidentally point their guns at me but it was a mistake they quickly realised. a little too late though, short stuff did beat the ever-loving shit out of them.

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** please seek some help if you think this is normal

 

**Min_tea:** to be fair, it terrifying at the time. the time has passed though.

 

**paNini:** Why can’t we ever talk face to face...like normal people?

 

**sunshine:** because we’re not normal people?

 

**vanESSER:** speak for yourself.

 

**sunshine:** im kindly requesting that you fuck off.

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** i think you need to find friends other than Light...and soon.

 

**Pen.E.Wise:** you’re slowly turning into her.

 

**Min_tea:** im starting to wonder which group chat i hate more. this one or the host club one.

 

**sunshine:** definitely the host club one. it’s all just tamaki lusting over haruhi.

 

**Min_tea:** i hate how accurate that is.

 

**sunshine:** same.

 

**KYOYAxLIGHT4LYFE:** TAMAHARU IS GERAT.

 

**Min_tea:** ok well im going to go ask one of the police force guys to shoot me. its been nice knowing y’all.

 

**Pen.E.Wise** has banned **KYOYAxLIGHT4LYFE** from the chat

 

**can_u_maybe_not:** i’m going to puke now. peace out losers.

 

**vanESSER:** same.

 

**sunshine:** please end this madness.

 

**paNini:** I deeply regret joining this group.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized I forgot to write the chapter about the annoying piano kid. Oops.
> 
> I'd also like to take the time to mention that the horrifying picture that is linked is something I drew and deeply regret making.
> 
> Ok cool. cool. See you next time for everything goes to shit, aka the stupid beach chapter.


	9. Side Chapter: How Jack and Light became friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The very deep, very emotional tale of how Light and Jack became friends.

“How did you and Jack-senpai become friends?”

 

It was a question on everyone at the host club’s mind. Haruhi seemed to be the only one daring enough to ask. How this was daring, I do not know. Probably something to do with Light’s insane amount of trolling that goes on off screen.

 

Light looked thoughtfully off into the distance. She began speaking in an oddly serene voice, something that never actually happened in the club.

 

_ It was the year 2005. Light had just been kicked out of the ninja academy and cast to the snowy mountains of Mount Fuji. On the peak of the mountain she stood for 736 days waiting for her true calling in life.  _

 

_ On the 737 day a flying pirate ship stopped in front of her. A boy in a green tunic and his yellow fairy flew down, grabbing the young ninja, pulling her onto their pirate ship claiming they’d bring her to Neverland.  _

 

_ Halfway through their journey Light back flipped off the ship, hurtling towards a pit of hungry sharks. Seconds away from death, she was saved by a monotonous noise that got louder as if coming towards you scared the sharks off. _

 

_ Sadly for out young ninja, the force of the fall shattered her ear drums and caused her to become deaf, until a kind blue dragon bestowed upon her two hearing aids.  _

 

_ With her new pet dragon, the young ninja continued on her quest of self-discovery (read as: back to the ninja academy to become a true ninja). She faced many great trials, one including a mafia that barely passed as a mafia and a dumb police chief who greatly resembled her. Once she conquered them all, she made her way back to Attitude Village. _

 

_ Upon returning, she found the village deserted except for a young, skinny Jewish boy living off of scraps on the street. Using her pet dragon as transport, she took the boy to a magical land called Canada where they became best friends and eventually became part of the Ouran host club. _

 

“Light-senpai I want to know how you guys actually became friends…” Haruhi deadpanned.

 

“There’s nothing unrealistic about my story. Sunshine back me up here.” Light called to the boy, who was currently hiding his face in shame.

 

-

 

_ A young boy sat with his back against the school’s wall. A Japanese girl walked up to him, holding a giant red kick ball. _

 

_ “Is that Pokemon LeafGreen?” she asked, looking at the screen. _

 

_ “Uh...yeah?” the boy replied, a little confused. _

 

_ She threw the kickball into the knees of someone calling her a rude nickname and pulled a silver GameBoy out of her sweater’s pocket.  _

 

_ “Trade with me.” she said. _

 

-

“We both liked video games.” was Jack’s answer.

 

The room went quiet.

 

“A-are you serious? Tamaki spent months trying to figure out which one of us was who.”

 

“And he taught me the value of friendship.”

 

“And me to do what I love.”

 

“And you’re trying to tell us that you and Light-senpai became friends over  **video games** .”

 

Jack shrugged. “Yeah. Not everything has to be deep.”

 

“I probably shouldn’t tell them how Penny, Ally and I became friends then, should I?” Light asked.

 

“Is that the bong story or the kazoo story?” he asked.

 

“The bong story is how we became friends with Penny, Ally is the kazoo story.” Light replied.

 

Tamaki shrieked loudly when he registered what a bong was. He spouted out a rant about how it was illegal and couldn’t  believe his ‘darling sister’ would ever do something as horrible as smoking weed. He sobbed uncontrollably, clinging onto a disappointed looking Kyoya.

 

“Dude chill. Ally can imitate the sound of a bong with a water bottle. We don’t do that shit.” Light deadpanned.

 

“I never should have asked anything.” Haruhi sighed, as Tamaki wailed loudly about how Light shouldn’t know what a bong sounds like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't get her started on how she became friends with Nini.


	10. Beach. BITCH?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The obligatory beach episode where I really start to break my OCs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter is named after an old BTS meme. Kill me.

“We’re going to the beach?” Haruhi asked.

“Yeah. You said you wanted to go there last chapter. So we’re going to go.” the twins said.

“I don’t remember saying that…” Haruhi trailed off.

She was suddenly very aware of all the swimsuits in front of her. The twins and Hunny were arguing over which one she should wear to the beach. She didn't really care. She just happy to go. Though she never said it before, she did prefer the beach to waterparks.

She vaguely heard the twins saying something to Light, which got no response out of her at all. They were probably trying to get her in on this too.

Damn rich people.

“Didn't you hear us, Light-senpai? We’ve picked one out for you too so you won’t feel left out this time.” the twins said.

“You do realize I’m still not getting in the water right?” Light deadpanned.

“You're no fun…” they mumbled.

Slinking back over to Haruhi, they continued to bother her instead. Haruhi was a much easier target.

The twins dragged Haruhi over to a pink frilly swimsuit simultaneously explaining why Hunny’s was not a good option.

Tamaki, hearing this, ran over to them, going off on a tirade about how they should leave his ‘daughters’ alone. No one really knew why he was implying Light was involved with this because she wasn't in the slightest.

“Are we actually going to the beach?” Haruhi asked.

“Yes. We’re going to the beach.” Kyoya replied.

As the rest of the host club yelled in celebration, Light looked towards the scene as if she was in The Office.

“Shit.” she whispered.

Jack walked into the club room, graced with Light acting like she was on the Office and the host club yelling about the beach. He turned around, deciding to ask about it later (read as: never).

-

It was a warm sunny day in Okinawa. The host club stood in front of the villa that's either owned by Kyoya’s family or Nekozawa’s family depending on whether you watch the anime or read the manga. There was something gloomy oncoming though.

“Where the fuck are we?” Light asked.

“Okinawa.” Tamaki replied.

“That doesn't help.” Light deadpanned.

“How do you not know where Okinawa is? You're Japanese.” the twins asked.

Light turned to them, with an expressionless look. “What part of I’m a Canadian do you people not seem to understand?”

“So why Okinawa and not somewhere like Fiji?” the twins asked, changing the subject.

Kyoya pulled a black notebook out of his back pocket. He produced a pen from his sock (which he was wearing with sandals once again) and began scribbling in his notebook. “Because Haruhi’s a commoner, do you really think she would have a passport?”

“Light-senpai and Jack-senpai are both commoners. They have passports.” Haruhi replied, slightly miffed at his comment.

“

The twins started to pester Haruhi about changing into her swimsuit almost immediately. Haruhi did her best to ward off the twins, only to rope Tamaki into the discussion, much to her dismay. Light and Jack exchanged a look before walking off in the opposite direction, they didn’t want any part of this.

Hunny skipped along beside them, insisting he spend time with them before the guests arrive. The two Canadians were only mildly surprised Kyoya decided to make this a host club activity.

Light unceremoniously tossed her bag onto the ground when she finally decided they were far enough away from the other host club members. Hunny asked about the bag, but didn’t get a very defined answer.

“Taking a new approach.” was what she replied.

He looked to Jack for more answers, but didn’t receive anything from him.

“I’m going to go see if Kyo-chan needs any help.” Hunny said, walking back towards the rest of the club. As much as he did want to get to know the second year better, she never gave them much to work with. He suspected there was a good reason behind it, but didn’t have much opportunity to ask.

-

“SEAFOOD!!!” Haruhi screamed, just as Light pulled down her headphones.

She blinked a few times, wondering where the hell that came from. A shadow loomed behind her, prompting the girl to turn around and look up. Kyoya was standing there, with a look of disapproval.

Light, ignoring the look, pointed to Haruhi. “Did I miss something important?” she asked,

“It's just compensation for Hunny-senpai after what happened at the Aqua Gardens.” Kyoya replied.

“I still want to punch you in the shins for that.” Light said, shaking her head. She reached into her bag and pulled out her laptop. Some of the guests she and Jack hosted were starting to make their appearances so she wanted to prepare herself.

“I’d prefer if you kept things professional.” Kyoya replied, turning around. He didn’t look up from his black notebook as he walked back over to the long line of girls waiting to be hosted by Tamaki.

 

Meanwhile Haruhi threw a centipede, which was apparently a manly feat. Given her nonchalant demeanour about the bug, the twins began to wonder what Haruhi could possibly be afraid of.

“Hey Tamaki, let's play a game. It'll be fun. Haruhi doesn't seem to be afraid of anything and neither does Light-senpai. It's the ‘Who Can Find Light and Haruhi’s Weakness Game’!” the twins said, throwing their arms up.

“Lol have fun dying.” Hunny said picking up a crab and dropping it in a bucket.

“I agree with Hunny-senpai. That game sounds horrible.” Tamaki cringed.

“We’re terrible people. Get over it. Besides. I doubt they'd share it with you. They'd only share that kind of stuff with someone they're close with.” the twins said, shrugging and walking away.

“That implies you're close with Light-chan.” Hunny mumbled.

“What are the rules?!” Tamaki yelled, drowning out Hunny.

The twins paused and smirked. They won once again against Tamaki.

“Rules are simple. Deadline is sunset tomorrow.” Hikaru said.

“Whoever finds out their weakness first wins.” the twins replied.

“I have the perfect prize.” Kyoya said, appearing sometime during the twins and Tamaki’s squabble. He was holding pictures of young Haruhi and a single picture of Light with long hair. Unsurprisingly she didn't look happy.

“I'll compete too I guess.” Hunny said. Blackmail material at it’s finest. “But where did you get those?”

Haruhi’s dad and god knows where.

-

Light had been in the middle of watching an Overwatch stream when the twins suddenly grabbed her arms and dragged her away. Her laptop was left attended to by Jack, despite her pleas for help in English. It was host club shegainery he didn't want to participate in.

Light gave up and allowed herself, some guests and Haruhi to be dragged into a small cave.

The twins told a story about people drowning and dying. Neither Haruhi or Light reacted to anything in the story. The ghost hand didn't succeed in scaring either of them, to the twins disappointment.

Fear of ghosts. Failed.

Light wanted to go back to her laptop after that. Her luck was shit. Hunny called both Haruhi and a reluctant Light over to the police van.

Light could see where this was going and climbed in the truck, hoping to get things over with quicker.

When the doors closed, it took moments before Hunny started freaking out. It took both girls to calm him down, though Light’s form of comfort was robotically patting his head.

Fear of the dark, unsuccessful.

After that, she went back to her laptop. Light was smart. Much smarter than she let on. She knew what the club was doing. They are trying to figure out her fear.

There was nothing the host club could really do that would really show off what she was afraid of. Or at least nothing any of them would stoop to the levels to. The host club was annoying, but they weren’t the type to purposefully drive someone over the edge.

Light sat down beside Jack, grabbing her laptop from him.

“Bad day?” he jokingly asked.

“Shut the fuck up.” Light replied, tapping on the laptop keys harder than necessary.

The smile on his face faltered. Not wanting to sour her mood more than before, Jack patted her on the shoulder, stood up and disappeared. He had no clear idea on where he wanted to go, he was sure Vanessa was somewhere on the beach.

Not too far into the distance Haruhi was collecting more shellfish. Between his sister and Haruhi he already knew which one he wanted to talk to more.

-

“We’ve got to be missing something.” Hikaru said.

“Right? They both need to have a weakness.” Kaoru agreed.

From the ledge they were sitting on, they heard rustling behind them. Turning around they found Tamaki digging through the grass with a bucket of coiling snakes by his feet.

“What are you doing?” Hikaru asked.

“This, men, is a bucket of rat snakes. I didn't have a boot to make an urban reference or whatever they're called. Light and Haruhi will freak out at these!!” Tamaki declared, picking the bucket up.

“Everyone hates snakes Tamaki. It doesn't count.” Hikaru said.

Elsewhere, Light calmed herself down enough to play The Matrix on her laptop. Most of her guests were seeing the movie for the first time. Like most people viewing old movies, they thought it was pretty cheesy. It was also kind of violent for their taste, but Light seemed to be genuinely enjoying it.

She’d vaguely hinted upon her exchange with Jack earlier. She was unnecessarily snippy with him and wanted to apologize. The fact she hadn’t seen him in a while was getting worrying.

“You guys watch the rest on your own. I’ll be right back.” she said, jumping up to her feet.

Not too far in the distance Light saw the twins and Tamaki hunched over something. She highly doubted that they would be of any help, seeing as they were trying to scare her and Haruhi for the entire day, but there asking them wouldn’t hurt. When she approached the three boys she noticed Tamaki was actually crouching over a bucket of snakes.

“Snakes...good guess but no.” Light said, gesturing to the bucket.

Tamaki shrieked loudly, nearly knocking the bucket over.

“Hey Light-senpai. What’s up?” the twins asked, trying to be as casual as possible.

She rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest. “Have any of you seen Jack?”

The twins shrugged, doing their own thing all day they hadn’t seen him.

“Thanks anyways.” Light said, taking a closer look at the bucket of snakes. “Wait are those poisonous?!”

A screaming fest between Tamaki and the twins ensued as Tamaki picked the bucket up and started running around with it. Since they weren't going to be of any help anymore, Light started walking away from the scene.

Things started going downhill when Vanessa ran towards them, shouting. One of Haruhi’s regulars followed closely behind. The twins and Tamaki stopped immediately when noticing them.

“Hey, uh, some dudes just showed up on the beach and they’re totally attempting to kick the shit out of Haruhi and my bro...” Vanessa said.

Suddenly Tamaki and the twins went into Haruhi Protection mode. They sped off towards the cliff, dragging Light along, without sparing a second glance at Vanessa and the guest. Along the way, they dragged Kyoya and Hunny into the mix.

Upon arriving, they found two heavily intoxicated men looming over Jack, who was trying to keep them away from Haruhi. One of the men swiped his hand, attempting to grab at them. Haruhi wobbled closer to the edge.

“Light what are you doing?” Tamaki asked watching her pick up the discarded usa-chan pail by their feet.

Jack leaned towards Haruhi and whispered something to her. The two men stepped closer to them. Haruhi nodded, though her expression was still unsure.

“Hey, fuckers. NERF THIS!” Light yelled. The two men turned around, clearly confused, only for the pail to nail one of them in the face. The man stumbled back, dazed, wiping a small stream of blood from his nose. The other was trying to comprehend what just happened.

The Canadian third year grabbed Haruhi’s wrist, all but dragging her back to safety. He spared a glance to Light, flinching slightly when he saw her expression. Something he didn’t want to get involved with again.  
-

After getting the thugs to leave the beach the host club stood in silence for a while. The only mildly remorseful looking person was Jack, who’d since recovered from the initial shock of the entire thing. Haruhi didn’t really see how she could have possibly wronged anyone.

“What were you thinking Haruhi? Why did you take those men on?” Tamaki asked, gripping Haruhi’s shoulders.

“I was there so I had to help. It’s not like you were going to. You were doing nothing but trying to scare Light-senpai and I all day.” Haruhi replied.

“That’s not an excuse, Haruhi. Don’t forget you’re a girl. You’re not a martial arts master like Hunny-senpai.” Tamaki yelled.

“That doesn’t matter, senpai. Neither is Light-senpai. If you’re going to be angry at me for trying to help, with Jack-senpai I may add, then you should be giving Light-senpai this lecture too.” Haruhi yelled back.

Tamaki turned to Light, who stood with her arms crossed. Her nails dug into her arms and it looked like she was holding in whatever she wanted to say. Light was going to explode any moment, he could see that.

“Fine. If that’s how you feel. I won’t speak to you until you can admit you were wrong.” he said.

**[Kyoya the Dickweed]**

**Kyoya the Dickweed:** Minasae-san where are you?

**Kyoya the Dickweed:** You’re making the situation more complicated than it needs to be.

**Kyoya the Dickweed:** Why am I not surprised you aren’t listening to me?

As Kyoya slid his phone into his pocket the doors to the dining room opened. Haruhi stood at the door picking at her frilly pink dress with mild distaste as the twins and Hunny complimented her on the unusual garb.

“My dad repacked my bags. I’m not one for wearing this kind of stuff.” Haruhi said.

Having no interest in the conversation Kyoya turned around and strode over to Jack. If any one in the room knew where Light was, Kyoya could only assume it was Jack. The brunette boy was tapping his foot nervously, repeatedly checking his cell phone, not a good sign.

“You don’t know where she is either.” Kyoya said.

“She doesn’t want to talk to anyone. Something bad always comes out of that.” Jack replied.

Kyoya couldn’t say he understood what Jack meant but nodded regardless.

“You’re worried about her.” he stated.

“If you’ve ever seen her like this before you’d know why.” Jack replied.

“Maybe you should have felt that way earlier…” Tamaki mumbled from behind a column.

“Tamaki is that really necessary?” Kyoya asked.

“Forget it, Kyoya.” Jack sighed, pulling his phone out of his pocket again. He knew he’d be met with nothing but he thought he should try anyways.

They decided they’d go search for Light later, a decision very reluctant on Jack’s end. The food Hunny had so graciously cooked for them all was going to get cold and there was no point of wasting good food in Kyoya’s books. That would cost him a butt ton of money.

Haruhi was more than eager to stuff her face full of the crab. She was already super excited to eat crab and after the events of the beach she was really really hungry. The rest of the host club didn’t share the same enthusiasm as she did. Especially Tamaki. He was being a judgemental little prick.

“I’m sorry. I thought you weren’t speaking to me.” Haruhi said, cracking another crab leg open.

Tamaki slammed his hand down on the table. “I won’t stand for this mass mutiny. I’m going for a walk.” he said storming out of the dining hall.

Haruhi was about halfway through the motion of cracking another crab leg when she finally decided to stop and think. Even with Jack she wasn’t much help for those girls. It was thanks to Light none of them were thrown off the cliff...or worse. She wasn’t strong enough on her own...or with Jack-senpai.

“Maybe he’s right...I should learn how to defend myself.” Haruhi said.

The twins sighed. “He’s finally gotten to you, huh.” they said.

“That wasn’t the real issue though. We were all worried about how recklessly you acted.” Hikaru said.

“Even with Jack-chan’s help you almost got hurt.” Hunny piped up.

“I didn’t actually do anything though. Light was the one who actually helped us.” Jack protested.

Loud ringing resounded through the room cutting off whatever response the hosts had for Jack. Kyoya rolled his eyes pulling his phone out of his pocket.

Tamaki was calling him...why? Tamaki was literally in the room five minutes ago.

“What is it now Tamaki?” Kyoya drawled.

“I FELL OUT OF A FUCKING TREE AND I CAN’T FEEL MY FUCKING ARM.” Light yelled. Her voice was muffled. Kyoya assumed Tamaki was on speaker pho-

Wait Light fell out of a what?

 

“You fell out of a tree?!” Kyoya asked incredulously.

“JUDGE ME LATER ASSHAT!” she yelled in response.

Kyoya snapped his phone shut, turning back to the host club.

“If you’d excuse me everyone, I have something to attend to.” he said, standing up.

He could feel everyone giving him questioning stares as he exited the room. None of them heard his conversation. Did Tamaki fall out of a tree?

Jack grabbed his phone off the table and followed Kyoya out the door.

“I don’t feel so good…” Haruhi mumbled.

-

Tamaki only wanted to go for a walk. He didn’t ask for this.

When the blonde stepped outside he hadn’t expected to see anyone, especially Light outside. The weather, as the twins had mentioned earlier, was super gloomy meaning it was going to rain pretty soon. Why he witnessed Light climbing up a tree at this time, Tamaki couldn’t say. He had no clue.

It was when he called out to her that she lost her grip on the branch and crashed back down to the ground. For a moment she lay on the ground, clearly trying to comprehend what happened. Wincing, she sat up, holding her left arm.

Now he was panicking, crouched by a reasonably angry Light waiting for Kyoya (and hopefully a doctor) to arrive.

He didn’t have to wait too long. Kyoya soon appeared with Jack tailing behind. Kyoya had a look of extreme disapproval on his face, whereas Jack looked extremely terrified. They were only observations Tamaki noticed, Light was too busy holding her definitely broken arm and swearing uncontrollably in English.

Kyoya crouched down beside Tamaki, attempting to convince Light to show him her arm. The girl in question only continued to yell about how she was already well aware that her arm was broken and had no idea why people were continuing to stall. Kyoya supposed they should go see a doctor at this point.

Why hadn’t he just asked Tamaki to bring her inside again?

Thankfully the man who had looked at Haruhi and Jack was still on the premises. His disapproval of Light was equally as strong as Kyoya’s, but the doctor was much better at hiding it than Kyoya was at the moment.

“Why exactly were you climbing a tree before a storm, Minasae-san?” the doctor asked.

“Because I do stupid shit whenever I’m pissed off.” Light replied.

“I said I was sorry.” Jack protested.

“Yeah. I know. I heard you the first time.” Light replied.

“You need to be more forgiving, Light.” Tamaki said, laying a hand on her shoulder.

“Oh fuck off. Like you’ve forgiven Haruhi.” Light hissed, swatting his hand away with her good arm.

“Minasae-san, watch your language.” Kyoya said. The underlying tone of his voice made it clear it wasn’t actually the language he wanted her to stop. “You wouldn’t want the chairman to hear the things you say to his son, would you?”

“Doing what I want would make everything counterproductive so at this point I don’t care.” Light replied.

The doctor hummed, tapping Light’s cast. He turned to the confused looking Tamaki, Kyoya dn Jack. “If I may have a moment alone with Minasae-san?” he asked.

When the three men left the room the doctor turned to Light. “I have some questions I need answered from you.”

-

Light doesn’t say anything on the way back to the main house. Tamaki wanted to ask Light what she and the doctor talked about, but Kyoya stopped him. Whatever it was ruined her mood even more than before. Once back at the villa, Light dragged Jack into her room and slammed the door.

She sat down on the floor silently fuming to herself. Jack took a seat beside her staring at the ground. Picking at the grout on the floor he waited for Light to cool down.

“I'm sorry…” he mumbled.

“Stop apologizing I already know your sorry.” Light grumbled.

“Then why are you still angry at me? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, or why you’re even angry in the first place.” Jack asked throwing his hands in the air.

“I’m not angry at you! I’m angry at myself!” she yelled.

Jack inhaled deeply, folding his hands together and holding them up to his chin.

“You mean to tell me, that you refused to talk to anyone, climbed a tree, and broke your arm because you were angry at yourself?! Why the fuck were you angry at yourself?!” he yelled.

“If I wasn’t such a fucking asshole you never would have left and wouldn’t have even been in that situation.” Light yelled.

“Haruhi still would have been. Did you forget about that?” he asked.

“The host club would literally drop everything they’re doing for Haruhi. No one cared about you.” she yelled, jabbing her finger into his chest.

Jack looked back down at the floor, focusing on his shoes. They were getting dirty...and old. He probably needed to get new shoes when he returned home. “Wow...thanks.”

Light smacked her hand against her face. That was not what she meant to say at all. She wasn’t sure why she always said stupid shit whenever she was angry, or why she was so easily angered. It was frustrating, she was trying to be a better person and it had been working before. Coming to Japan actually seemed to have made it worse.

Whatever it was.

“You don’t have to deal with my shit. You know you can just leave, right?” she asked.

“You’ve said worse stuff before.” he replied.

“Exactly. So why do you still stick around me? I’m sure there are tons of people who’d want to be your friend that aren’t compared to fucking time bombs.” she said bitterly, picking at the fluff of her cast.

Jack shrugged, “I like you better.”

“You’d actually prefer a piece of shit like me over someone normal?” she asked. She shook her head laughing dryly. “You’re fucking ridiculous.”

“Can you stop calling yourself that?” he asked.

“I’m just saying what everyone else is too afraid to say. So no. I can’t.”

He grabbed her bag, digging into the laptop pocket, pulling out a blue Sharpie. Light raised an eyebrow, staring at the Sharpie. When did she put a Sharpie in her bag? How long had it been there?

“Give me your arm.” he said.

Light doesn’t question him verbally. Slowly she moved her casted arm towards him, flinching slightly when he held onto it.

It took a moment before she realized he wanted to sign her cast. He seemed to be struggling to write his name.

He let go of her arm, taking a moment to ‘admire’ his work. “Fuck…”

Turning her arm around to read what was written Light snorted loudly. In bright blue letters she read Jork.

“I can see how the o could look like an a...but where did the r come from?” Light asked.

“It’s really hard to write with Sharpies, okay?” Jack replied.

She grabbed the Sharpie from him, uncapping it with her teeth and wrote her own name.

Or at least she attempted to.

Liyht.

“See it’s hard.” Jack said, gesturing to her own tragic misspelling.

“I’m left-handed...my left arm is broken. I have an excuse.” she replied. “Also...I just signed my own cast that is just….sad.”

“Light…shut up.”

-

The other members of the host club were standing in front of someone’s bedroom door, whispering quietly to themselves. Light and Jack exchanged confused looks, slowly walking over to them.

“What are you guys doing?” Jack slowly asked.

Hunny spun around, waving Usa-chan’s paw at the two Canadians. “Hi Light-chan. Jack-chan!”

“We’re checking on Haruhi and the boss. Kyoya-senpai left them alone in his bedroom a while ago.” Kaoru replied.

The doors of the bedroom were thrown open by the twins. Inside the room the host club witnessed Tamaki talking to a blindfolded Haruhi. She made a comment about not being able to see or hear anything.

“Noooooooooooooope.” Light said, turning around walking back in the other direction.

“Kinky.” the twins whispered.


End file.
